Happy Birthday, Seleste!

Today is an auspicious day. It is the anniversary of the birth of our Blasphemous Dispensator of Expenditures, Seleste deLaney!

Seleste is smarter than you, handles a lot more shit than you do, and is just generally better than you. Also, she looks FANTASTIC in a corset. If you don't believe me, check out her site and see for yourself.

Additionally, she shares this day of natality with none other than Buffy the Vampire Slayer (shut up, I have this on good authority from someone who knows the 'verse canon, so I don't want to hear ANY ARGUING). That adds many, many points to her Evil Cred. She is truly a valuable and outstanding member of the Evil League of Evil Writers, and we're very pleased to count her among us.

Happy birthday, Seleste! May you enjoy your day in the manner which most pleases you, drinks borne to you buy scantily-clad members of your preferred gender, and booze-filled cupcakes.

Evil hugs,
The ELEW

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Julie Butcher

So, I have been watching everyone on Twitter and Facebook make their choices about what they’ll try to achieve in 2013. The thing about resolutions is that you’re supposed to actually do them. You’re making a promise to yourself that you will accomplish these goals. You might want to think twice about a few I have heard.

  I will get an agent/editor.  ßBAD IDEA

Ummm…no. First of all, the agent or editor chooses you. You pick who to query with your work but after that, the words are all you have. Also, you don’t get them. You work together as a team. The better goal would be to say, I will send out 100 polished, edited, queries in 2013. You can control this resolution while the first is really up to fate.

  I will get a book deal.  ß BAD IDEA

Once again, this isn't within your control. You cannot force anyone’s hand. You cannot make a deal—unless, of course, you make your own fake publishing company and self-publish your story. If all you want is to see your words in print, then go ahead. But don’t expect Goofball and the Amazing Muse to sell like Fifty Shades of Grey. You have a better chance of winning the lotto.

  I will make a bestseller list.  ßBAD IDEA

Of course we would all like to see our book in the top ten lists of The New Your Times. I’m happy for every single writer who is on that list. But, once again, you have no control over whether you make a list or not. All you can control is your writing. You can make yourself sit at the keyboard. You can make yourself outline and write a killer synopsis. You can’t make the faceless masses buy your book. There are names for people who try to force others to do things. Most of them I wouldn't use in public.

   I will write like it is my job.  ßGOOD IDEA

If you have the goal of writing, and actually making green money from your books, you’d better get in the habit of making it your work. This is a resolution that, for the most part, you can control. Of course, if an airplane crashes into your house, you get a free pass and a do-over.

   I will think before I hit SEND on an email. ßEVEN BETTER IDEA

I firmly believe that most writers shoot themselves in the foot agent-wise. They get a form rejection, and fire off an email quicker than snap. A rejection is only that. Your work isn't ready, or it isn't a story that the agent/editor loves. It isn't a reflection on you, your brain, your heart, or your children. Until you click send, the door to that particular agent/editor is open. The very second you pop off that blistering tirade, the door closes forever.

  I will edit the literal crap out of my work to the best of my ability.  ßBEST IDEA EVER!

Editing your own work is difficult, but not impossible. You definitely need a group of beta readers to help you find where what was in your mind didn’t land on the page. You can see your characters like they’re standing in the room. They’re ingrained in your imagination so well that unless you put your work away for weeks (and possibly months if your memory is good), you literally cannot find the mistakes. Editing makes the difference between getting an agent/editor, and singing the blues.

But no matter what you said on January first, give your resolutions a good think, and change them if you need to. Unrealistic goals set you up to fail, and no one needs that, right?

Does the Dark side really have Cookies?

I get the feeling I’m about to find out. 

When the invitation came through to join the Evil League of Evil Writers, I was thrilled. I’ve guest blogged on the site, and I agree wholeheartedly with their mission of evil. That won’t surprise a lot of people.

I jumped at the chance, primarily, because the rest of the members all pretty much rock, but also because the very idea of an evil league is pretty damn cool.  I watched the League theme song video with a delighted cackle on my lips and, like a mad scientist, began to analyze just why the Dark side was so appealing. Do they have cookies, and if so, are there any white-chocolate, macadamia nut goodies left for me?

Villains are cool. My villains, your villains, anyone’s villains. Personally, I trace the phenomenon to its origin, somewhere between David Bowie’s goblin king and Dragonlance’s evil, wizard twin, Raistlin. I fell for the dark side somewhere between Maleficent and Mad Madam Mim. (Disney really does the evil sorceress best) I’m sure everyone else has their own favorites, but why do so many of us just love that bad guy? It just might be because the dark side actually does have much more to offer…

Points in favor of villainy (the cookies)

Power: The dark side has better magic. It’s true. No matter how many sparkly, swish-and-flick spells the good guys have at their disposal, the other side’s are always bigger, more dramatic and far more powerful.

Spontaneity: You never know what the dark side will do next! The villain can be counted on to shake things up whenever boredom threatens. They are the unpredictable element, the spooky excitement of the unknown.

Underdog value: If good always triumphs, then you can’t find a better underdog than a villain. They try so hard, and yet, you’re pretty sure they’re going to eff it up in the end.  

Style: (it’s all about the clothes) The dark side often has better costumes. (Certain superhero franchises aside.) Evil couture is sexier. So are black horses, evil cars, villainous hairstyles, dragons and most evil spaceships. Evil pets are definitely cooler. Case in point:

They will get you...just as soon as they wake up.

Theme songs: The dark side gets the best music nine times out of ten. (I just made that up.)

Infamy: Way harder to earn than fame. Anyone can be famous, but to become infamous takes something really, globally, immensely huge.

Underlings: Minions are terribly useful when moving…or you know, whatever you’re doing.

Truth: The dark side is honest. Seriously. Not in a goofy, heroic, honor and chivalry kind of way. I mean in the straight up, “Hey, that’s not mine, but it’s shiny and I want it,” sort of way. You’ll never know what your good friend is really thinking. They HAVE to act nice. Your evil friend won’t bother with false, goody-goody rubbish. If you have something they want, they’ll simply announce it directly and get on with plotting your demise.

That’s the real gem, if you ask me. Not the demise part, perhaps, but the straight up bit. I want a friend who’ll tell me this dress does make my ass look huge, and then make me go change before we go out in public.  Whether you know it or not, so do you.

You want someone to tell you, “Hey, your plot has a galactic hole in it.” You do. It will sting a bit, because no one likes to hear the truth about their ass…or their book. But it’s good to know it, just the same. We need our evil friends to save us from public embarrassment. Thankfully, in this industry, we have critique partners, beta readers, editors and reviewers who will happily lend an honest opinion.

Love them. Embrace the evil. Once the stinging stops, you can probably have a cookie. But hands off the white chocolate chips. They’re for me.

~ Frances

It's Not Butt In Chair, It's Hands On Keyboard

Gothic Goddess, here.

There's been a lot of talk lately about your word count and producing words and so on, and this is understandable. It's a new year, which means new beginnings and new goals and so on, and productivity/changing your habits is usually one on a lot of people's New Year's Resolutions list.

I'm okay with this. BUT!

Here's the thing. Like any new routine or goal, the enthusiasm and drive behind it can fizzle out about a week or so into it. They say it takes about three weeks to make or break a habit (some sources say six, but we'll go with three for argument's sake), so sticking with it (what’s called "discipline" for you free spirit hippy types) can be a challenge. This is where wanting it badly enough comes in, but I've covered that topic before.

What I'm going to talk about today is not desire, but fear.

See, I share our Bad Horse's opinion on the subject of writer's block. There's no such thing as writer's block. (I'm not talking about writer's angst or writer's apathy. These are two different animals I'll discuss here another time.) There's only fear.

And if you're going to be a writer, you have to stop being afraid.

That right there is the real goal. Anyone can produce words. It takes courage (guts, huevos, brass balls, a pair, cojones, a set, a backbone, a spine – you get it) to write, and I've met more than a few people who should really step back and admit to themselves that they're not brave enough to be a writer.

And you know what? That's okay.

It's okay to be afraid. It is. What makes the difference between a writer and someone who writes is what they do with that fear.

Someone who writes cries "writer's block" or whines about how they have no time to write or how they wish they could write or that they "should/want to get back to their writing" (that they haven't touched in months or years).

A writer sits down and puts their hands on the fucking keyboard and lets it happen, and THAT is terrifying. Every damned time.

Just because you accustom yourself to something doesn't mean it's less scary. It just means you're less afraid. Writing, like anything else you want to become proficient at, is scary as hell the first time you do it, but unlike firearms training or driver's education, every time you touch the keyboard, something different happens. There is no "getting used to" writing.

There's only letting yourself be okay with the fear.

Writing is about surrender, every time, and that can be tremendously frightening for control freaks.

But it's also insanely addictive and seductive. You create your own worlds, can control them (sometimes – more often than not they do what they want/control YOU), are familiar to the inhabitants of that world, you know the rules, on and on. It can be intoxicating, and sometimes you never want to leave. (Other times you can't wait to get the hell out, but that's another topic.)

When you put your hands on the keyboard, you're taking a risk of losing yourself, and that's what the majority of people who "want to write" don't understand and never will. They still think they're in control and don't want to give any of it up, when that's exactly what you absolutely must do if you're going to be a writer. (I'm smirking evilly at you,"indie" authors.)

So many of those who "want to write" think that because they blog about their various personal issues and oh-by-the-way-throw-in-something-wordsmithy-here they're a writer.

This is not so.

Being a writer is about more than production. More than being paid to make words. More than "wanting."

Being a writer is about putting your hands on the keyboard and surrendering yourself to whatever may happen. It's about losing control and letting go and not knowing where you're going or what's going to happen to you when you get there (thank you, Starman, I just totally nicked that quote).

Writing is about fear and the courage to face it.

It ain't for wussies. 

P.S. For those writers who are committed to their wordcount/goal and want a nice way to keep track and have a good visual record of their progress, may I recommend this excellent word tracker shown to me by our beloved Bitchstress Dreamkiller, available free from the wonderful Svenja Liv.

Young at Heart

Okay, I'm not old. I just turned 31, which I consider to be just barely old enough to justify me acting like an adult. And young enough to still call my parents for advice about stuff. I'm married, though, so that ups the relative age a few years. Given how many nights I stay in reading instead of going out and partying my youth away, I'm probably even older than I thought.

Plus I just got my first real wrinkle.

Oh god. I'm ancient.

*chugs a bottle of wine*

Okay, I'm better now. Normally, I could care less about age. I mean, on the internet, no one knows how old you are, right? And that's all that matters. Besides, in my day job, being older is an advantage (for some reason people get uppity about being charged $225 an hour to talk to someone who's younger than your grandchildren... and I can't say that I blame them!).

But I'm working on a Young Adult novel these days. And my heroine is in high school.

I barely remember high school. My overwhelming impression of it is that I couldn't wait for it to be over. I even considered graduating a year early to escape to college. I didn't, but man, I wanted to.

So how am I supposed to write a book with believable high school characters when I can barely remember what high school was like?

If I were older and had kids of my own, I'd pester them until they told me. If I had cousins or nieces or nephews that were in high school, you can count I'd be harassing them for the hip new things. But I don't. So short of hanging around the local high school until I get arrested, what's a girl an old lady perfectly aged female individual to do?

I do have some leeway because this is scifi YA, so a couple hundred years in the future, who knows what kids those days will be saying/doing? But attitude will probably stay the same (unfortunately!)

So I've been watching a lot of teen movies. Yeah, sure, they feature 20-somethings trying to pretend like they're high schoolers, but they do a pretty good job of getting across the stereotypical teenage drama. Any suggestions for movies or TV I should check out?

Otherwise, I'm up a creek until my non-existent children are conceived, born, and grow up.

Although I did just get a monster zit, so maybe I'm regressing. In no time, I'll remember what life in the super cool crowd in high school was like (Yeah, right. I was a nerdy loser back then. And now.)

Like, totes later, dudes!

Shouldn't You Be Writing?

by Seleste deLaney

I have this author friend. She's seen a bit of success and has picked up an uber-fan. Not quite Annie Wilkes (Misery), but an uber-fan nonetheless. This fan keeps poking at my friend about the next book. At first I shrugged it off because it looked like it had only happened a couple times, but lately it's happening more often. A couple weeks ago, she made the "mistake" of posting about something on her social media that *gasp* wasn't writing. Uber-fan basically told her to get back to work.

Um... excuse me?

First, no one works 24/7. No one. I'm a mom, and even I get a couple hours away from that job every night to sleep. Everyone needs sleep, food, exercise, and a bevy of other things that aren't work. As much as writers joke about how we never stop writing (not entirely a joke, but I'll get to this in a bit), we don't spend all day every day at our computers tapping out stories. It is a job that most of us spend more than the normal 40 hours a week at, but it is a job.

Second, an author's job involves a lot more than just writing. If all we had to do was type out stories, we could (most of us) churn out 6-12 books a year, no problem. Most of them would be crap, but we could. You see, we also have to make time for editing, which can take as much time as writing. We also have to make time for querying/submissions/paperwork/etc--all the businessy parts of dealing with publishers. We also are supposed to be active in promoting our work. That means blogging and book tours and social media. Unless an author is making a solid six-figure plus income, they're probably doing most of that solo, which is more work. And none of this even takes research into account. Authors do the job because we love the job, but there's more to it than just writing the story, and all of it takes time.

Third, (and I am a classic case of this) if all a person does is work, they will burn out. That well of stories in their head? It will dry up because everything will sound like a crappy idea. They won't be able to write because the idea of sitting in front of the keyboard and creating a world out of nothing is exhausting. It's ceased to be a joy and it's become drudgery. At that point, the author that you love? They're not only going to not be working on the next book in the series you're anxiously awaiting; they're not going to be working on anything. Maybe ever, but certainly not for a while. Everyone needs to recharge sometimes, and writing can be incredibly emotionally and mentally taxing.

Lastly, that bit about how writers are always writing? It's both true and false. It's false because of all the things I've mentioned above. It's true because when we listen to music, we often find inspiration. When we see a movie, watch TV, or read someone else's books, we're learning new story-telling paths. When we go on vacations, we're finding new and exotic places to authentically include in our work. When we spend time with our children, pets, family, friends...we're having actual interpersonal connections that we can bring back to our work and make it more alive.

Writers are all readers. We know the frustration of wanting the next book now. As often as not, we wish we could write faster so we could get more stories to our fans, because we appreciate you and your excitement. But we also know the reality that no matter how fast we write, some things are out of our control (release dates included).

We're all on the same side here, believe it or not.

Welcome Frances Pauli!

Change is afoot! Which is a lot like EVIL being afoot only more...change-y.

It is my pleasure to welcome our new member Frances Pauli.

I have known Frances as an author for a few years now and had the utmost pleasure of working with her on some of her fantastic books. It is during this time she has MADE ME CRY. And we all know I don't have feelings, so this is a feat indeed. I, for one, need no further proof of her eviltry.

She is also a fantastic writer, an utmost professional, and a perfect addition to our league; I'm beyond excited to have her among us on the dark side.

Frances Pauli writes speculative fiction, usually with touches of humor or romance, which means, of course, that she has trouble choosing sides.

She's always been a rabid fan of things outside the box, odd, weird or unusual, and that trend follows through to her tales which feature aliens, fairies, and even, on occasion, an assortment of humans. Frances eats far too much chocolate, drinks far too little wine and does her best to get the stories out and on paper before they drive her completely insane. More information on her work and upcoming releases can be found on her website: http://francespauli.com

Website - Twitter - Facebook - Goodreads - Blog

Frances Pauli is our new Releaser of the Hellhounds. So when you are naughty and we'd like to get rid of you, her smile will fill with malice and she will release the hellhounds to chase you down and tear you apart.

Please join me in welcoming Frances! (Or don't and be prepared to see said hellhounds in action.)

Let "Show, Don't Tell" Be Your 2013 Mantra

It's standard writing advice, right? Show, Don't Tell? As a writer, you hear those words so often, you probably want to pull your hair out and HERE is Mama Bitchstress saying them to you AGAIN, OMGWTFBBQ SKYLA??

As often the case, that which is true in writing also is in life.

I read this Cracked article the other day. Go check it out.

No really, I'll wait.

*two hours pass*

Right. I forgot to warn you Cracked is like a gateway to procrastination hell. (Second only to TV Tropes.)

Sorry.

Anyway, you'll notice in a lot of ways the article basically sounds like our Gothic Goddess giving advice, straight down to proclaiming the hippies as being wrong (those dirty, dirty hippies). But one of the things that stuck out to me was "What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do" on the second page.

Let this be the year you show what you are instead of tell.

If you are a writer, stop telling people this. Just stop. Stop and do. Spend a week loosely tracking how many hours a day you spend talking about writing/telling people you're a writer vs the actual motherfucking writing you DO. The former should not be greater than the latter.

Notice I say "write" and not run out and throw your shit on Kindle. Publishing doesn't make you a writer; actually writing does. Honing your craft does.

Are you querying? I can't tell you how many fucking cover letters I've read where the writer assures me the book is really funny. Again, our advice for life: don't TELL ME you're funny, SHOW ME. Write a query letter showcasing your sense of humor.  This is not rocket science.

And yet it is, actually, or feels like it. In life it's very easy to say you're something when your actions say something else.

But here's the thing: Life is not a YA novel and you are not the secretly awesome, compassionate, funny but shy girl no one notices. The Hot Boy is not going to one day zero in on you and see The Real You and defy social expectation by hanging out with you because he just "knows" deep down your amazing, kind heart by just looking in your fabulous probably-violet-coloured eyes.

What you think happens.

What actually happens.

Someone isn't going to notice you in life and then take you to the prom because you're SO AWESOME INSIDE and live happily ever after.

You don't become a better writer without writing stuff. You are not going to get a publishing contract without submitting stuff and showing stuff like you're an entertaining storyteller. You are not going to successfully network and make friends in this industry unless YOU make YOURSELF someone that other people will want to hang out with.

Sit down and make a list of everything you think you are. All of the various attributes. Now...what have you backed up with actions in the last week? In the last month? Writers, have you written anything? If you're compassionate, have you actually done anything for anyone recently? If you consider yourself gracious, have you thanked people for things? If you believe you're a good friend, have you reached out to anyone lately? Have your actions shown that you are the various things you think you are?

Because I can tell you, the world at large doesn't give a fuck who you think you are inside; what matters is what you do, how you interact, and what you contribute.

Don't answer the questions above. Don't think. Don't tell me. Simply do. Make this the year that you decide to show who and what you are instead of just tell people.

And be sure to make your actions evil.

Happy 2013: The Year of Eviltry. Now do the work.