Book-Giving at the Holidays

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I love giving books as gifts. Like LOVE giving books as gifts. It makes me happy on more levels than I can iterate:

• Introducing someone to a new world to get lost in
• Helping another author make a living
• Spreading the love of books that will hopefully be shared and talked about
• So on and so forth...

But there are some problems with giving books at the holidays too.

• For every Smutketeers 12 Days of Christmas that gives away tons of books and gift cards and stuff, there are ten authors who are pushing their books on readers and buyers. 
• For every author willing to answer questions to help you pick the best book for a reader, others ignore  questions completely. 
• And so on and so forth. 

If you are an author, this is really the wrong time of year to be a douchebag author. It's a busy time for everyone, but you ignore your readers and potential readers at your peril.

For example, my daughter is nine. She is a very advanced reader. Middle grade books, for the most part, are too easy for her. She's reading young adult and soaking it up like a sponge. But she's nine. While I don't see her stepping out and trying to become the next evil wizard bent on world domination, she can and will be inappropriate in certain things she choose to talk about. (In other words, I'd prefer books for her where sex and swearing are at a minimum, thank you very much.) Yesterday, I asked about a series she's interested in and (on the off chance it was caught) @mentioned the author. The author did see the tweet. Retweeted it in fact, but didn't answer the question about whether or not the series contained sex. She left it up to her readership to do so. Thankfully they did, and I know it's not an appropriate series for my daughter right now.

But too often questions online are lost to the aether. Thousands of people see them and no one bothers answering (to put it in perspective, this author has over 30,000 followers...3 answered the question, one with a "not sure on the last book"). I get it, and it's fine, but normally when people retweet questions, I assume they don't know the answer and are trying to help. In the case of a reader asking you about your books...you're the best source of information.

Will I potentially buy the series for my kid in a few years when she's older? If she still wants it. But that author turned me off her work personally. I would like to thank the readers who stepped up to answer my question, though.

If you are an author, you need to remember that readers and potential readers are necessary for you to make money. (We shall ignore pirates and jerky readers, obviously.) No readers, no money. It's ridiculously simple math that my math-hating 9 year old could figure out. Be kind to your readers. Be as generous to them as you can. Without them, you don't have a career.

Recycled Post: Another Post on Queries - Basic Etiquette

So I'm being lazy today (as I'm still playing catch-up offline, so you're lucky I'm even here right now and found this lovely gem in the archives for your reading pleasure) and offering you a timely recycled post on "how to write a query letter." This is something of a follow-up to our wonderful Senior Pie Coordinator's bit on Three Stupid Things Writers Do. Where she is deadly calm and concise, I'm going to go into massive detail with screaming and cursing. Because that's how I roll, people.

This was originally written in 2011, right around this week, coincidentally. Again, awesome timing! Here we go:

In order to understand what prompted this rant week's blog post, go give this post a quick read. Go on, I'll wait.

http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/2011/09/lol.html

You see the part down at the bottom there, where some douchebag is fighting with the autoresponder to his query?

Yeah, that.

It shouldn't need to be said, but apparently it does: DO NOT FIGHT WITH THE AUTORESPONDER.

Honestly, if you bothered to research enough to find out where to send your query via e-mail, you should be smart enough to recognize an autoresponse when you get one. In addition to that, you should be GRATEFUL that you received an autoresponse – it means the email address you used was not only working, but correct. Writers are a paranoid, impatient bunch and we like to know things just haven't disappeared. Autoresponders give that sort of psychological reassurance. It's nice of an agency or business to have an autoresponder set up for that very reason.

Now that the "what set Dina off" portion is out of the way, let's get to the real subject of today's post.

Today we're going to talk about queries.

No, we're not going to talk about writing a query. You should already know how to do that, and if you don't, there are some great, free, reliable sources out there online that you can follow. This is more a list of do's and don'ts.

DO:

- INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND CONTACT INFO right at the top of the letter, just like professional letterhead. You're trying to be a professional, this is how it works. For e-queries, make sure again that your (correct!) contact information is there, but only once. If you have your contact info in your signature line, don't junk up the email with it everywhere. If it's an e-query, they're going to reply to the address you sent it from, so if you want your reply (autoresponse or not!) to go to a certain email address, send your query FROM that email address. Agents don't have time to compare email addresses, so don't send your query from your work email then wonder why you didn't get a response to your home email. Again, this shouldn't need to be said, but…yeah.

- KEEP IT TO ONE PAGE. A query letter is just that – a letter. The synopsis or first five chapters or whatever the submission guidelines ask for will tell the story for you, so you don't need to put it in your letter. Narrow your pitch down to a paragraph or two. You get 30 seconds max to make an impression. Don't waste time by telling an agent how you were inspired to write this. They don't care. Get to the good shit.

- FOLLOW THE SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. They might not make sense to you, and you might not agree with them, but they're written the way they are for a reason and it's not your place to question it.

Here's the deal: You're asking an agent for the one thing that they don't have a great deal of – their time. DO NOT WASTE THEIR TIME. I hear you over there. You're saying, "Well, I put so much time and effort into my query and they didn't bother to give me the same." SO THE FUCK WHAT. Cope. Deal. Stop crying. They aren't your babysitters. Also, a QUERY letter is just that. A query.

QUERY – question, inquiry.

Your query letter is basically a formal way of asking this agent if they will represent you/take you on as a client, but really, you're asking for much, much more than that, so show a little fucking respect.

- INCLUDE THE WORD "QUERY" OR "SUBMISSION" IN THE SUBJECT LINE OF YOUR EMAIL unless the agency wants you to put something specific there. If you're sending a query via e-mail, this helps the agent. Remember, helping the agent save time is a good thing.

- HAVE THE CORRECT INFORMATION AND A COMPLETE QUERY PACKET. Again, you might not understand why they want a synopsis and a letter and the first five pages, but that's not for you to question. It's for you to follow. And honestly, if you can't follow simple directions and put together a proper query packet, what is there to make them think you could follow the directions for anything else? An editorial letter or a deadline? If you can't manage a simple request when they've gone to the trouble to outline what you're supposed to do for them, that doesn't exactly bode well for any future relationship with you.  A little research goes a long way, and you've spent all this time getting your book ready to fly. Don't fuck up the landing. And speaking of research-

- RESEARCH THE AGENT/AGENCY. They have all the information out there you need. If you found an agent in the Writer's Market, make sure it's a current edition. Go online and make sure that person is still with that company and is still looking for what you're querying with. If they have a blog, go read it and make sure you don't have any of their pet peeves or red flags going on. Like this: http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/2011/07/red-flags.html

- FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. Make sure you send what they ask for AND NO MORE. Do not "save them time" by sending the whole manuscript when all they want is the first five pages. Remember learning about that in elementary school? There's a reason. Querying isn't like cooking – you can't just improvise the recipe and hope you make something edible. Do your homework and follow the guidelines and you'll stand out, I promise.

DON'TS:

- DO NOT REPLY TO A REJECTION. Just don't. (See the part about fighting with the autoresponder.) Agents get hundreds if not thousands of emails a day, and as you can see from the link above, a lot of those emails are rude responses to rejection. You don't need to add to their plethora of mail to wade through. If you simply MUST reply, be sure to include "Thank You For Your Consideration" or something in the subject line.

• EXCEPTION – If the agent you're querying has been corresponding with you or has met you at a convention or something and you have some kind of less-formal relationship, go ahead and send them a POLITE thank you in response to a rejection. Keep it short and sweet. Just say, "thanks for your time, I'm disappointed we won't be working together on this project, I appreciate your consideration" or something and leave it at that.

- DO NOT BEG THEM TO RECONSIDER. This is extremely bad form, and they won't remember you. If they do, it won't be in the "good way." Once an agent sends you a rejection, you've been removed from their consideration. They've moved on to the next query letter and you've been forgotten because they've already decided which "pile" you're in. You're dealt with and done and pitching a fit about it isn't going to help you. They rejected you for a reason, and unless you've changed something dramatically, they're not going to reconsider the same query, either immediately or in the future. Rewrite the book or the query or something. If they said no, there's a reason for it, even if it's not given. Also,

- DON'T ASK FOR CRITICAL FEEDBACK/THE REASON YOU WERE REJECTED. If it's not given in the rejection, don't pester them about it. They don't have time to go back and look up why they rejected you (if they even have that information - many agencies don't keep old queries on file for long, if at all), and if a specific reason wasn't given, suck it up and move on. It could be something as simple as the genre not being right for their agency at the time to an overabundance of that particular storyline. If you're lucky enough to be rejected with a reason, learn from it, fix your issue and go on.

- DO NOT ASK CONSTANTLY FOR STATUS UPDATES, ESPECIALLY THROUGH TWITTER OR FACEBOOK. Just. Don't. Do. This. Just don't. If you see an agent anywhere online or out at a restaurant or whatever, they're on their own time. They're not at work, so you shouldn't ask them about it. They don't have their work in front of them, and it's not fair of you to ask them to recall something on the spot. Also, they don't know. Okay? They just don't know. Again, see the part about hundreds or thousands of messages a day. You honestly expect them to remember your name out of all that? Can you? Name every person who has sent you an email in the last 8 weeks off the top of your head. Go on. If you can do that, you shouldn't be a writer. You should be working as some kind of smarty for a government organization somewhere. If you're NOT a superhero like most of us and can't name every person who has sent you an email in the last 8 weeks, why would you expect an agent to do that? Also, why would you expect them to take time (remember the "time" thing we've been talking about?) to find your note out of all those? I know you want special attention and are impatient and all that, but don't. Just sit and wait. Why? Because if you make a pest of yourself, chances are you're not the kind of person that agent wants to work with. Just sayin'.

• EXCEPTION: If you haven't heard back from an agent within their stated response time, a POLITE follow-up mail is acceptable. NOT a Facebook or Twitter message!

- DO NOT SAY ANYTHING LIKE ANY OF THESE LETTERS: http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/

So there you have it. Basic query etiquette. Be nice, be polite, do your homework, and read up on things.

For more information on How Not To Be A Douchebag Author, please visit Skyla's blog [ETA: The archives on Skyla's blog aren't updated with her Shiny New Site yet, so just] click the HNTBADBA tag here on the ELEW blog and see what's there. There's a whole slew of posts on the subject.

Recycled Post: Dina Drinks Because You Suck

Dr. Dina is a little busy this month. We've had the Evil for Julie Fundraisers going on, and just because the donation part is over doesn't mean the work is. As such, Dr. Dina is recycling a post from the archives. We'll return you to your regularly scheduled evil at some point sometime. (Nice vaguery there, don't you think?)

Anyway! Today's post is brought to you by 100% recycled material! Enjoy!

Originally written April of 2012, so it's a couple years old.

Dina Drinks Because You Suck

I, regrettably, know one (or two, or five) of the individuals responsible for this rant, and what set me off this time was a particular post by one of them doing EXACTLY WHAT  YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO if you wish to become a professional writer.

This person is in the process of querying agents, i.e. they're looking for professional representation in a professional field. Now, said person has a history of fail, but this particular incident takes the cake.

This person blogged about their rejection.

"Well Dina, that's not so bad," you say. "After all, rejection is part of the process. Why shouldn't we blog about it?"

Blogging about being rejected is fine. Utterly fine. Blog away about your fail. But what you don't do –

WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DO – NOT – DO –

- is call the agent out on your blog BY NAME.

You don't say "So-and-So of This Agency rejected me. Add their name to the list of people who have."

You do NOT call an agent out on your blog. I don't care what they've done or haven't done. It's bad enough to blog about your rejection, but to blog about it so candidly?

"But Dina," you say. "What's wrong with that?"

A couple things.

1) Professional writers take rejection like adults.

You don't broadcast to the world that someone was fool enough to ignore your genius or however you want to phrase it. It's one thing to blog that you're querying. I know it's part of the process and some people need cheering on or consolation or whatever. All that's fine. But you don't slander (or libel as the case may be - "libel" is in print) an agent or agency just because they told you "no." Bad, bad form, whatever your reason. Which brings us to –

2) Rejection is between you and the agent.

How would you feel if you turned someone down for a job and they went and told the world that you suck for not giving them the job? Agents don't post their rejected queries online (well, not in their entirety and certainly not with any identifying information. I admit I love Slushpile Hell), and authors shouldn't post the list of agents who rejected them online.

Professionals don't do that. Professionals don't even mention they're in the query process until they have something to announce – like an acceptance of representation. Even then, some don't mention it. Some just put a little thing on their contact page of who reps them. Some don't even do that.

Now, given all that, it's your prerogative what you blog about/what you put on your website*. Your blog, your career, your life. If you get your kicks burning bridges, then by all means, post every damned rejection you get online for the world to see. I guarantee you no agent in the world is going to touch you once it gets around what you're up to, and believe me, the Internet isn't as small as you think it is. The publishing world is very small, and someone, somewhere (like me, for instance) is going to notice your douchebaggery and call attention to it.

If you bothered to research how to query properly/how to do things professionally, why don't you also research How Not To Be A Douchebag Author?

Oh, one last thing. Probably a bad idea to blog things like "To Any Agent Reading This Post," and putting your query letter up online and querying them with a URL.

Just sayin'.

*ETA 2014: This also includes your Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter...any of your social networks. The internet is forever, and what you say on it can get you into shit. How deep that shit is depends on how deep the hole you dug was, and how big a shovel you used...

I Am Judging You…and You Are Not Adequately Evil

I was talking to someone recently and the topic turned to who is cattier: musicians or authors? We both gave examples of asshole tactics from people in our chosen fields, and you know what? I think artists are kind of universally catty, but for good reason.

You see, artists tend to do a lot of work alone (even when it's a musical group…the group is "alone.") So when we go out into the bigger world to essentially hang with our peeps, we want it to be a positive experience. We want the person who has the book fair table next to ours to be respectful of space and talk you up as you talk them up. We want the band who comes before or after to bring in people and help out if there's an equipment issue. We want the "lesser" known actors to not be shuffled to the background in every photo op in favor of the bigger names (okay, that's as a fan, but I'm sure the actors don't like it much either).

Essentially, we want people to not be assholes. I mean, these are supposed to be our people so there should be a type of kinship there.

But we all know that's not always the case. And no, I'm not talking about the people who bite their tongues or roll their eyes to not make waves.

I'm talking about the ones that those actions are in reference to. (Focusing on authors here because I just don't know enough about the music biz.)
- the author who jumps into a conversation you're having, not because they have something useful to say, but because they heard the random person ask about your book and if they like your book, the person will really love theirs.
- the one who sits next to you at the book fair or has a promo spot next to yours and decides that dividing line doesn't apply to them--and of course, you wouldn't mind, right?
- the one who takes over a panel that they aren't on at a convention.
- the one who publicly bitches about reviews/their genre/editors/etc and basically makes us all look like whiny douchenozzles.
- the drama queens
- the prima donnas…

The list goes on and on. It's bad enough when this happens with a new author who probably just doesn't know better (ie--they don't get that no matter how many books get published in any given day, publishing is not a big world and people talk--a lot). You see, for the most part, the newbies get the smile and nod and walk away. Or maybe some quiet advice giving. (The ones who have been around for a while but aren't a big deal? They get the eye rolls and the gossip. Sorry, speshul snowflakes, but we do talk about you, and it's not always nice--even if we personally like you--because your behavior is crap.)

When it's a big name author, though, that's when the real cat claws come out. There are some big name authors who talk shit about everything and treat people like crap. I don't know them all and I won't name names of the ones I thought of right off. The thing with these people is…we might not be standing around waiting for them to fall from grace, but when it happens, we sure as hell will watch. We might even bring drinks and popcorn.

Might not be a proud moment, but it's a true one. And if we were a fan and you suddenly reveal your douchebaggery? Oh boy…

The point is, and we've said it here a lot, don't be a douchebag author. People talk. People remember. Be nice. Be friendly. Be helpful. And for the sake of all that is evil and…evil…never ever act like you're more important than the others in the room. I don't care if you are JK Rowling and Stephen King's love child all grown up and selling a bajillion copies of Harry Potter and the Dark Tower. You are an author and reader…just like everyone else there. Be a fucking human being rather than a (real or only in your mind) superstar. Even paranormal readers like humans.

Biting the Hand...

A while back, I was doing my normal thing and poking around Twitter while I made breakfast when this popped up in my feed:

Sending hate mail to your editor after they worked hard to give you honest, thorough, critical edits/critiques is not the way to go.
— Rachel Russell (@RachelxRussell) October 3, 2013

I threw up a little in my mouth when I read it.

I mean, all published authors have had some edits that make them want to scream but, dude... You're a goddamn professional. Grab a pillow, scream, then pull up your panties and get to work.

Here's a little mantra that might help you:

My editor is not my enemy. My editor is my book's very best friend.

Post it all over your office, house, car... tattoo it backwards on your forehead (so you can read it in the mirror) or forward on your arm (so it's visible every time you sit down at your computer). Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Editing isn't like a break up, it's really not. Your editor is not taking your book (heart) and ripping it to shreds in order to leave it (you) destroyed. It might momentarily feel that way, but it's not reality. Your editor's job is to make your book better.

Look at it like Frankenstein's monster.

Dude is basically building a person. He's got a pretty good handle on anatomy and has all the requisite equipment. When he flips the switch, the creature animates but...chaos results.

In the book world, that kind of chaos is bad.

Imagine if Frankenstein had an editor. Said editor would point out things like how stupid it would be to use a criminal's brain or heart. Bad juju. They'd notice that gaping hole where some organ or other should be. They might even be able to point out how to revive the creature without it turning monstrous.

Granted, that creature wouldn't have been as interesting to read about, but it would have LIVED. It would have been a miracle rather than a monster.

Writers, without a good editor, are creating monsters.

Now, you and your particular editor might not be a good fit. The editor might not "get" you. This happens, but it's no excuse for sending hate mail. It's no excuse for acting like a diva. Your art isn't art yet. It's palatable crap. You want--no, you deserve for it to be better than that, so why would you not take everything your editor says to heart?

Of course, there will be bits and pieces that require discussion and a few things that maybe you should fight for, but the author-editor relationship should be one of partners. Ask questions, get clarification, fight for that one scene that you know readers will love. But don't be an ass about it.

In fact--unless you are under mad deadlines which are rare with first round edits--don't do anything with your edits for at least 24 hours after you read them. Let them gel in your mind. Then read them again. Stuff that pissed you off at first glance might make more sense. And if they don't, give yourself another 24. Read the manuscript again with the editor comments in your mind and see if you can understand where the editor was coming from.

Then, take your questions, concerns, etc. and talk to the editor politely. They just spent a lot of time pouring over your work to help you make it better. Respect that. And choose your battles. There are darlings that will need to be killed in the editing process. Sometimes a lot of them. Be a professional and accept that fact.

24-48 hours. That's all. And it could be enough to keep you from turning a partnership into an adversarial mess. It could be enough to keep you from garnering a reputation as an author who is a bear to work with. Publishing isn't as big a world as people like to think--don't ruin your place in it with your ego.

Comfort IN, Dump OUT: Publishing Edition

So nearly two months ago, I rather unexpectedly lost my job.

Okay, it wasn't unexpected. Not entirely. It was a change in my situation about six months sooner than I'd planned and done in a most...spectacularly not-cool way. And so I entered crisis mode: I'm a single woman, I've been doing the job of six people to pay the bills, I wasn't ready to be in this position again, lalala.

And the thing is that it affected more people than just me. I oversaw a lot of books and, therefore, corners of people's careers. People who trusted me, people who depended on me, people who recognized I was the glue holding a lot together. I'd stayed in an unhealthy situation for a long time because I didn't want to abandon those people and I worried, of course, about what would happen to them.

But my first worry was more "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO STARVE TO DEATH AND LIVE UNDER THE BRIDGE AND MY BABIES CAN'T GO TO THE VET AND AND AND AND--"

Email poured in. And it was rather remarkable that many of the messages of concern came from people also affected by this and their first question was, "Are you okay?" Their second, "Is there anything I can do?" Even when I tried to revert to Momma Bear mode, one of my fellow ELEW members here said, "I'm old and cranky and have lots of contingency plans--I'm more worried about you."

Weight, it lifted from my shoulders right in that moment.

First and foremost, before worrying about themselves, they expressed concern for me and I felt that much more able to face this ugly block of fear for my future. As it should be, because at the end of the day, despite many people being affected, it was my entire livelihood that was gone, whereas for others it was a small part of their overall living. My friends and colleagues (generally) recognized that I was the center of this ring.

What ring? Here you go:

The Silk Ring Theory

That is from this article on how to not say the wrong thing, specifically to someone who is diagnosed with something bad but it can work in any kind of a crisis.

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan's colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn't feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague's response? "This isn't just about you."

"It's not?" Susan wondered. "My breast cancer is not about me? It's about you?"

If you've ever been in or near that center ring, you know what it feels like. Your spouse is dying. You've been diagnosed with cancer. Your child is sick. Your mother died. You're dealing with a lot, you're in need of comfort and support, and many people--often well-meaning--manage to dump into your ring, leading you to feel like you have to comfort them rather than the other way around.

And the absurdity of this is that everyone has no shortage of people they can dump out to already; there is no need to go into the ring. In my case, people around me could (and did) complain to their spouses, to their friends, to their peers. If you look at that ring and find there is absolutely no one to bitch to--that everyone is more affected than you--congratulations! It is a GOOD THING to not have something horrible happen to you. So don't say anything.

I do not think the average person means to be douchebaggy in this way. I think it's that we automatically believe we're always in that center ring. It takes a lot of effort and self-awareness to realize we're not.

A good friend of mine has a debilitating chronic illness. Does it affect me? Yes. I worry for her, I get scared for her, I fret about how awful my life would be without her in it, I lament how powerless I feel because I can't help. Do I kvetch to her about this? Hell no. She's in the center of the ring when it comes to her illness. Would I kvetch to her husband about this? Again, no. He's closer to the center of the ring than I am. I kvetch to people outside the sphere of those affected by her disorder.

This is the ELEW blog, I know, so around we go back to publishing: crises happen all the damn time. To everyone.

Sometimes it's something relatively minor, sometimes it's something major. Deaths, illnesses, and other losses in our personal lives. Failed series, horrible reviews, low royalties on the less traumatic side of things. And before you open your mouth to bitch to someone, pause and think about where they fit in the level of rings around the situation.

As a reader, upon hearing an author you love is sick, I understand the thought of "What about that book of yours coming out next year?" Hell, even if they're not sick--I recall one author who gave birth and ended up needing more time off than expected, so her next book's pub date was bumped by an extra six months and readers damn near RIOTED about it. I get it, we are impatient for books we love. That's normal. But you don't say that to the author. Kvetch to fellow readers. Don't send whiny mail to the author needing reassurances about the book's release.

As a writer, when something happens with a publishing staff member you work with (your agent is ill and has to take another job, your editor leaves staff, etc), it's normal to be concerned about how it will affect you because it does affect you. But it's on you to figure out a game plan for yourself and not heap more worry upon them.

And also, as a writer, if an agent or editor mentions a death in their family, your first response to them shouldn't be, "What about the books in your slush pile?" (Nor should it be your second. Or your third. Maybe you shouldn't talk at all.)

It is reasonable to want answers when it relates to your career, I know. But choosing the time and manner in which you inquire helps an already ugly situation a hell of a lot, and choosing who you complain to also makes a difference.

And the thing is, I'll remember. I'll remember the people who were kind and supportive to me during a professional crisis, just like I remember the people who were kind and supportive during personal crises.

Before you type up that message to someone in a crisis or open your mouth to speak, pause and think, "Is this going to bring them comfort or am I expecting them to comfort me?" If it's the latter...just don't say it. Just don't.

You'll get your turn to be the center of a crisis, I promise. Publishing's full of them.

How to Please Everyone

See that title? Are you all excited because I've come to you with the answer of how to make everyone happy with your work?

Okay, here it is...

You can't.

Ta-da!

The fact of the matter is, when it comes to your writing (your singing, your art, your calculations of long division) you cannot please all the people...not even most of the time. After reading a review yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine and she said, "I get dinged for too much sex and not enough sex...in the same book."

At first I thought "Well at least that has never happened to me." But it has. That review in question? Didn't like the lack of sex in a book and felt that as a romance, it should have had some. Fair enough. (I fully believe that everyone has the right to their opinion on a book. So my undies are not in a bunch. Promise. Anyway...) I started thinking about it and realized while it wasn't specific to sex, there had been people who didn't like how much romance was in the book and would have preferred I stick to the action and gadgets.

(Now granted, if it wasn't a romance at all, reader #1 probably wouldn't have read it and wouldn't have been disappointed. But...that isn't the story I wanted to tell. So, romance it is.)

After that, I started thinking about reviews for my other books. And then I started reading reviews for books I either loved or hated. (Pretty much I read the opposing reviews. If I loved it, I read the 1 stars. If I hated it, I read the 5 stars.) Crazy thing. Turns out that on a pretty regular basis, the stuff I loved was the stuff someone else hated (or vice versa).

This makes sense (it just takes being able to step away from your own work to see it sometimes) because people are individuals. We each bring our own expectations to a book.

For myself, if an urban fantasy has romantic elements and there is sex, I expect to "see" the sex. Closed door in UF doesn't work for me and will yank me right out of a story. No sex is fine. Explicit monkey sex is fine. Finding out they previously had sex is even okay. But working up to the point and then jumping to the afterglow makes Sel a cranky reader. (In fairness, it's okay if it happens upon occasion in a book with a lot of sex because, you know, too much sex is no more fun than not enough sex.)

So, as a writer, you need to be able to take a step back from your work once it's out in the world. You need to let readers have their own experience with your book. Because, in that regard (and not any that would allow for pirating--we hang pirates around here), once you release the book, it's not your story any more. It's like when your kids go off to live their own lives. You don't get to control that. Your mistakes are on full display for the rest of the world. And so are your non-mistakes that people still don't like.

And that is okay. They have a right to like and not like whatever the fuck they want.

So you want to know how to please everyone?

You let them feel what they feel and don't try to own that. It's not yours; it's theirs.

In other words, don't be a douchebag author.

It's Not Personal, It's Business

Dina here.

I'm going to expand on my previous post and talk about rejection.

It happens to EVERY WRITER. Every single writer gets a rejection letter for something at some point. Your favorite author? Rejected. Someone you know whose work is utterly brilliant and you can't in a million years see how they could ever be rejected? Yep, them too.

Even people who are already repped get rejections for some of their new ideas, so don't go thinking that once you're accepted by an agent everything is going to be fine and dandy and you'll never have to deal with rejection again. From bestselling novelists to not-yet-pubbed writers, rejection happens to everyone.

And you know what? To paraphrase The Godfather, "it's not personal, it's business."

The vast majority (and I'm talking like 99.8% here) of rejection letters aren't personal. Again, if you've made a complete ass out of yourself or are known to be a complete stalker jerkwad, there might be a bit of "personal" thrown into your rejection, but that's on you. You earned that. The rest of the time, though?

Strictly business. (We're not going to talk here about shit that should have been rejected outright/never have seen the light of day and was accepted instead of your shit. That's a blog post for another time.)

It's hard not to take it personally. Believe me, I know the feeling well. It's hard not to get discouraged. But take a long, hard look at your letter(s). If they're anything like "thank you but it's not right for me/my catalogue/etc." or "I don't believe I'm the best person to represent this" or "I didn't fall in love with this" or "I have to be very careful about the projects I take on and this just doesn't fit," here's a hint. These are FORM REJECTIONS.

Now, if your letter says something specific like, "I couldn't connect with the main character" or "I didn't understand _______" or "I love your voice and your concept but _______," these are generally personalized rejections. Now, "personalized" does not mean the rejection is personal. It means it was written specifically FOR you, not ABOUT you. That's the difference here.

A rejection letter is rejecting your WORK, not you as a person, and that's really what you have to keep in mind. I've read several blog posts lately from wannabe writers crying (angrily in some cases!) about how they've been rejected so many times and no one loves them and and and….

As I said before, if you've gotten more than 10 rejections, you might want to look to a few things. You don't just keep querying with your work thinking all is well. READ your rejections carefully. Form rejection? Okay. Suck, but okay. Try someone else until you hit double-digits. Once you hit double-digits, try revamping things. Your query letter, your work, your choice of agent…there's lots of things you can tinker with. Quick refresher from my previous post:

a)      the letter itself – it may not be effectively communicating your premise

b)     the project  - it may not be suitable for the house/agent you're querying

c)      your approach – there are reasons for submission guidelines. Follow them.

If it's a personalized rejection, PAY ATTENTION to what they say. If they say your voice needs work, study up and revise. If they say your pacing is slow, revise. If they say your concept is played out, revise (or trunk, or resub to someone else).

Upon rejection, allow yourself a day to mourn. It's a traumatic experience, form rejection or no. Do NOT post an angry rant NAMING THE AGENT on your blog. Do NOT upload your opus angrily to Createspace in an effort to "show them" (hint: they're not going to notice or care, I promise you).

Notice the part about anger up there. Yeah, rejection sucks. It always hurts no matter how gently it's done, and it's hard not to be angry about that. But SUCK IT UP and TRY HARDER. Try again.

Or don't. I mean, the less you try, the bigger chance someone else has to be accepted.

Why Negative Nancys Look Like Douchey McDouchealots

Bitchstress here, a day late.

Okay, a few weeks...*cough*months*cough*...late. Yes, yes, stuff and things. I do the website stuff here too and I'm TIRED and I'm BUSY and JUST STOP STARING AT ME.

I have a series of posts I'll be starting soon, Editing 101 with Mama Bitchstress. There'll be some theory, some practical things, and probably homework because that's how I roll.

But that is not today.

Today I want to tell you about how you're probably being a douche.

An agent I follow tweeted the other night about being put off by queries where people gleefully declare their book isn't like X, Y, Z (in this case it was that it didn't have porn or vampires). Others have said this as well and it was one of the first things I noticed in acquisitions way back when: a lot of people, either unintentionally or intentionally, insult other books, authors, publishers/editors/agents, and entire genres in their queries.

This is not a way to make friends and influence people, and we shall count the ways.

1. You say your book is nothing like Popular Book X. Well, what if I like Popular Book X? What if my authors/clients write similar (or DID write) Popular Book X? 

What I hear is, "My book is better than that other stuff," and if I LIKE that other stuff, I don't like being insulted. If I DON'T like that other stuff, I don't like people who think they're better than everyone else. I know this isn't always intentional. I know you probably think it's GOOD to say your work isn't Fifty Shades of Fanfic, and all this vampire bitching: yes, there's vampire fatique going on, but a lot of people still dig them.

The solution? LET YOUR WORK STAND FOR ITSELF. Draw a specific, favorable comparison (my book would appeal to fans of X, Y, and Z) and for the love of god, don't bash anyone.

2. You say your book isn't porn. Well, sugar, say what you mean: erotic romance. And erotic romance? It is popular, especially with many a lady these days.

What I hear is, "I'm better than people who write a lowly genre I don't like." And that "lowly" genre? Making hand over fist money instead of yours, sweet cheeks.

The solution: say what it is, and don't bash people's reading tastes. (Noticing a theme here?)

3. You say you're querying the editor/agent because you had problems with your last publisher.

What I hear is, "If we have a difficult working relationship, I'm going to advertise my problems with you to total strangers." You COULD have legit problems (although I'm going to say it now: if you bitch about multiple publishers you're with, the problem isn't them, it's YOU). But the person to discuss your issues with is your spouse, your lawyer, or maybe your editor/agent if it comes up as something important to share.

The solution is shut yer damn trap. You don't go on a first date and bash you ex-husband; you don't cold query a stranger and bash your ex-pub.

We're basically seeing repeats of idiotic, douchey behavior people should've left behind in middle school.

Negative Nancy mutters insults as the cool kids walk by (didn't we all?). Does that make her more popular? Has it EVER made anyone more popular? "Wow, that's so awesome how you sound bitter because you're not cool--let's be friends!" <--- Said no one EVER.

Or how about Gossipy Gabby who talked shit about everyone the moment they were out of earshot? Who thought she'd make a few friends by knocking someone down a few pegs for the shoes she's wearing, or who she dated, or whatever? Of course you do: everyone knows That Girl. And let me tell you something about Gabby: anyone with a brain knows that if she talks about Debbie and Susie and poor, poor Nancy over there, SHE'S GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOU.

I'm not saying you have to pretend to like what you hate or that you can't share bad experiences ever; I'm saying that publicly, in front of professionals, it is probably not a good idea to go about insulting the people you either hope to work with or hope will be your fans. Don't tell me what your book is NOT; SHOW ME what it IS.

Negativity and gossip does not a professional make. It makes a DOUCHE.

Don't be one.

Money for Nothing

Seleste deLaney here with a little fact that a lot of aspiring authors don't seem to understand: most authors make squat for money. Sad but true. Until you hit the big best seller lists (USA Today and NYT), you really shouldn't quit your day job. (Once you hit those, there's a pretty good chance you'll be able to ride a wave for at least a while as long as you keep putting out decent books.)

What that means is within the writing community, we get it--we're all broke. Sometimes this leads to financial difficulties when emergencies crop up. In fact, it's happened a couple times to authors here at our very own ELEW.

So what is a savvy author to do when the shit hits the fan and bills start piling up? Savvy author knuckles down, swallows their pride and asks for help. But, they know money is tight and even if you love their work, you don't really know them. So, they offer something in exchange for your help. They dust off an old manuscript and shine it up to give to people who help out or they write a new short story/novella for a favorite character for the same reason. They start offering critique services for a fee. (These are the types of things our members have done. Something for something is a beautiful thing.)

There are a ton of things an author can do when push comes to shove. Yes, some more palatable than others, but the reality is no one really likes asking for help in this way. Or at least that's what I always thought.

(I'm going to go tangential for a sec, but I promise it all comes back around.)

The rise of online fundraising sites is a great thing. It helps to get donations to groups in need and helps up-and-coming magazines and the like to get off the ground. This is good.

However, a situation came to my attention recently where an author decided to fund-raise for themselves. Now, this is not a situation where their heat is going to be shut off this winter. Or they're at risk of losing their internet (which is a big deal for an author these days). Or medical bills. Or anything else that could be deemed as an emergency. No. Said author just wants something and doesn't currently have the cash to pay for it.

This would be like me trying to raise money for a new corset since we know so many of my fans love my corsets. Sure, I want it and maybe I can't swing it right now (I can because I'm lucky and my husband supports my corset habit, but we're playing pretend for a minute), but I don't need a new corset. I want it. (See the difference there?)

Also, if I'm going to ask the general population for money, I'm damn well going to offer something in return. So... any donation gets a copy of this new freebie short story with minimal editing and the very generic cover a friend of mine made for me. A donation over $X gets that and a copy of the manuscript I pulled from my trunk and shined up. A bigger donation, we'll call it $Y, gets the previous and a red-shirt character named after them in an upcoming story of my choice. Someone's willing to foot the entire cost of the corset? I'd probably be willing to work something out (something likely involving an ARC of said story with their named character and allowing them some choices about the character.)

Why would I do that? Because very few people out there, as much as they might love my corsets in theory, really give a rat's ass if I get a new corset (even if I take a million pictures in it). So, if I truly want that new corset, I need to be willing to do something to get it beyond asking for help. Otherwise, that's known as "taking advantage of your fans."

TAOYF is a bad thing. As an author, our fans are our bread and butter. (For the purpose of this, a fan is someone who loves your work and seeks it out because it's written by you.) It's simple math really:

No fans=reduced word of mouth=fewer book sales=poor author with no new corsets.

And TAOYF will turn some fans against you, thereby automatically lowering that first number and putting more pressure on both you as an author and those other fans to increase word of mouth... It's a vicious, ugly cycle.

So, yeah, people get it. Times are tough. We understand. But if you're going to put yourself out there and ask for money (from your friends and fans), don't be a douchebag author when you do it. Offer something back so it feels more like an exchange and less like you're sitting in your corner pouting and saying, "You aren't doing enough for me."

Also? The work involved is why this sort of thing should be reserved for needs and not just wants.