Why We Can't Have Nice Things

There's been an article going around the writerly circles of the Intarwebz lately about an author who stalked and confronted the person she felt was her "#1 critic."

Now, fuck knows why the Guardian chose to publish this particular piece (I personally suspect it has to do with attention-whoring on the part of both the outlet and the author in order to increase the sales numbers of both parties, but that's my opinion), but publish it they did, and - as we've discussed multiple times on this blog - THE INTERNET IS FOREVER. There are no take-backs on the Internet. You can't un-ring the bell once you pull that cord, so...yeah. Even if they wanted to take the article down (and there has been outcry for them to do that very thing), it wouldn't be gone. There's Internet archives, screenshots, reblogs...this is now on-record and what did I just say?

THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.

Which brings me to the point of this little rant. Our mission here at the ELEW is to whip inkslingers - both burgeoning and seasoned veterans - into shape. It's right there in black and white: "The Evil League of Evil Writers does not support whining, crying, sniveling, whimpering or bawling about writing, publishing or any aspect thereof. If you're looking for a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear about the rejection letter you've gotten from a literary agent, or a bad review of your work, you will not find it here." So, you can guess how well this latest debacle went over with me.

The mental health of the author in question is not the issue here. (It's been shown through various posts written by the author herself that she has a history since adolescence of behavior/mental/emotional instability. These are facts, not a critique of the author's personality. Thank you to co-founder Bitchstress Dreamkiller for the research links provided.) What is in question here is professionalism and the lack thereof in this particular instance.

It's been discussed here before that you do not respond to reviews of your work, not even to thank the reviewer for reading your work.

YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

REPEAT AFTER ME.

YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

BOLDED: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

UNDERLINED: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

ITALICIZED: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

ALL THREE: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

Do you fucking get it now?

"But Dina," you say, wringing your hands. "You thanked people when you were a baby writer! You fucking hypocrite!"

Yeah? Well, guess what? I didn't have a website like this one to tell me NOT TO DO THAT. It wasn't until much later in my career that I learned how professionals respond to reviews, and that was from reading the blogs of professionals I admired. And you know what they ALL said? "DON'T FUCKING RESPOND TO REVIEWS NOT EVEN TO SAY THANK YOU!" Once I learned that, I didn't thank anyone else. I knew enough to not respond to criticism, so I was safe there, but once I learned the "DO NOT ENGAGE" tenet, I adhered stringently.

"But Dina," you say, your brow furrowing in annoyance. "Big Author X thanks people/reposts reviews/does stuff you're saying not to here! They're a Big Name Author and they do it, so it must be okay!"

Yeeeeeaaaah, no. Just because they do something doesn't mean it's okay for you do to. Think of it like a professional sportsperson - just because they can perform a certain feat doesn't mean you can do it with the same finesse or skill. You are not them, so don't try to be.

Also, part of the reason you don't reply to any review/criticism, positive or negative, is because you'll be tempted to respond no matter what, and that's a dangerous precedent to set. Best to avoid all contact instead of limiting yourself to only a certain type. Further, it makes you look like a douchebag when you constantly point out positive or negative reviews to your fans/followers. One says, "Whee! Look at me! This person thinks I'm awesome! Go see!" and the other says, "Whee! Look at this douchebag! They think I suck! Go tell them they're wrong!" See what I mean, here? Either way you look like an asshat. So don't do it.

Now, the above stated, let's get into some specifics regarding the above article. The author in question, for all intents and purposes, STALKED the person online she felt was causing her the most "harm." I'm not going to get into mental health issues/thin skin/personality problems or any other "reason" anyone might come up with to defend this author's CRIMINAL behavior. Just because there's a potential reason does not excuse the behavior. Like that fucknugget douchebag who murdered those women in California not too long ago. Just because he had reasons for his issues doesn't excuse the fact that he committed murder. Yeah, I went there. I made the comparison. I don't want to hear any whining about how the two crimes aren't at all similar, because guess what?

They are. They're both crimes. They were both committed by people who felt wronged in some way. Jim C. Hines has a fantastic article on the difference between victim and perpetrator in regards to this butt-hurt author's wangst, and I agree with his assessment one hundred percent. This author not only broke the unwritten "do not engage" rule, she broke what amounts to the writer's equivalent of the fourth wall - that space kept between writers and critics.

Dear Author has an excellent piece on why some people (bloggers, critics, writers) choose anonymity, and the author in question is one of the reasons.

Writers like her are the reason we can't have nice things. She is part of the problem. DO NOT BE PART OF THE PROBLEM. If you don't want to be criticized, this game is not for you. Because you know what?

There will always be someone out there you're going to annoy, hurt, or piss off. Hell, they might just not like you, your writing, your cat...whatever.

Some people are just assholes, and they glory in it. You know what the secret is?

I'll tell you. Get a pen and write this down on a sticky note and put it above your computer monitor. Ready? Here it is:

DO NOT FUCKING CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

I know. It's way easier said than done. Believe me, I know. It took me many, many years to accept, and many more to put into practice, but that's really the secret.

Do not fucking care what other people think.

You are never going to make everyone happy. Someone will always disagree with you, hate you, think you're an idiot, whatever. If you spend your whole life trying to make everyone happy, you're just going to end up a miserable mess. So you write what you want to write, and only give a rat's ass what someone has to say about your shit when it's someone who has an actual effect on the direction you wish to go. (Hint: This is not people on Goodreads.)

Example: a literary agent rejects you with a standard, impersonal, form rejection. Okay. Fine. YOU DO NOT WRITE TO THEM AND TELL THEM WHY THEY ARE WRONG TO DO SO. You accept it and move on. They're not offering a critique, nor do they have time to do so, so just move along. Cry in your beer for a night if you must (I know it hurts, but it's just for a minute, so down a shot of tequila and get back to work), but don't post a whiny screed on your blog about how that agent sucks for rejecting you. DO NOT ENGAGE.

Example: a literary agent rejects you with a personalized rejection listing a few things about your work that could be improved. This is an instance where you may POLITELY THANK them for their time and suggestions. This is NOT a time where you tell them their suggestions suck and so do they for not accepting your genius. See, this is one of those people who has an effect on the direction you wish to go. You can care about what they think. Go ahead. Just don't let how you feel affect how you react.

That's the trick to this whole "not caring" thing. When you do care what someone else thinks, you're still responsible for what your caring makes you do. You are STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR.

Don't be the reason we can't have nice things. Don't be a douchebag author.

Fuck, don't be a douchebag, period. The world has enough douchebags without you adding to them.

Recycled Post: Speshul Snoflakedom

We interrupt our regularly scheduled "Ask Dr. Dina" series to bring you a recycled post from 2011, as Dr. Dina is busy for the rest of the month. Enjoy!


Hello, evil readers!

Today we're going to talk about Speshul Snoflakedom. If you're not aware of what a Speshul Snoflake is, well, I'll enlighten you.

There are several definitions, so you can head on over to Urban Dictionary if you're curious about all of them, but today we're going to focus on the syndrome.

A malady affecting a significant portion of the world's population wherein the afflicted will demand special treatment, conduct themselves with a ludicrous, unfounded sense of entitlement, and generally make the lives of everyone around them that much more miserable. (via Urban Dictionary)

How does this apply to your writing?

*evil grin*

IN EVERY WAY.

Let's start with "demand special treatment," shall we? Slushpile Hell. #queryfail. Jessica Faust says it beautifully here in her post on Bookends, LLC's blog, titled Thought for The Day:

I love it when people start their query with something along the lines of "I know a query should get to the point, but that's not my style and I like to do things my own way," or "I know you don't accept unrequested manuscripts, but that's not my style and I like to do things my own way," or "I know a mystery should really have a mystery in it, but that's not my style and I like to do things my own way."

Isn't that a little like me saying, "I know I shouldn't get fall-down drunk at writers' conferences, but that's not my style and I like to do things my own way"?

Jessica

Are you seeing a pattern here? People who do these things – who think, for whatever reason, that they should be an exception to the established guidelines or rules or procedure - fall into the category of Speshul Snoflakes.

A perfect example of this is a writer (and I use the term very loosely and only
because they spend considerable time at their keyboard poking keys and forming something that looks like words, despite the fact that they have been told – both gently and not-so by both professionals and betas alike – that they have no ability to do this whatsoever) who uses their medical diagnosis to get people to read their work.

I'll pause here to let that sink in.

Listen up, writers. You do NOT use ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, to garner sympathy readers. Asking (or demanding, in this person's case) that you buy anything because of < insert medical condition or other pitiful situation here > is what I call "pity soliciting." You're selling something to people/wanting them to buy stuff by playing on their sympathy.

Also known as a GUILT TRIP.

Now, there are exceptions to this, HOWEVER – they can only be made by someone other than the writer themselves without making it a pity solicitation. If someone else says, "hey, buy Writer X's work please – their house just burned down and they could use the help," that's fine. Perfectly okay. BUT! If the WRITER says, "buy my books because my house burned down, my dog ran away, I have irritable bowel syndrome and my kid needs therapy," that's something else entirely.

Fundraising is one thing. It's fine to write something with the intent to sell it to have the proceeds go to something specific. It's a whole different thing to ask people constantly to buy your work BECAUSE of something out of your control/you want them to feel sorry for you.

You don't want people to buy your work because they feel sorry for you. You want them to buy your work because it's what they want to read.

Using your medical diagnosis or life tragedy to sell your work (ANY work, not just writing) is a cheap shot, in my opinion. Why would you put in your author bio that you're a breast cancer survivor? Who needs to know that? What's the aim there? Why is that important to tell people? Do you want people to buy your book because you had cancer? (If you do, then more power to you. I'm just saying it's a lame reason to get people to buy your stuff.)

Now if your book was ABOUT living with cancer or coping with it or whatever, THEN it's relevant to say. THEN it's a credibility thing. But if you're writing a mystery story that has nothing at all to do with anything remotely related, there's no point to putting that kind of information in your author bio other than to garner sympathy.

Your writing is about telling a story. It's about escapism, not reality. If you want people to buy your stuff, then write something they're interested in reading. Don't go for the cheap shot/pity buy.

This behavior has the complete and total opposite effect on some people. Like me. Even if I'm interested in buying your story, if you've thrown in a "poor me, buy this book" thing in your bio or on your back cover or even on your blog, I'm not going to bother with you ever.

"Buy my book! I have six kids to feed!" Um, well, that sounds like a personal problem to me. It's not a reason for me to buy your book.

"Buy my book! I have < insert medical condition here >!" Again, not a reason for me to buy your book, and NOT – I REPEAT, NOT – a justification of your lack of writing skills. It's like saying, "Here, I did something that sucks, now pay me for it because it was really hard for me to do because I _____."

Um, how about "no?" Does "no" work for you? Because it does for me. That might work for charities, but you're a writer, not a charity. Making yourself into a charity case doesn't earn you points here.

Also, this isn't something you should put in your query letter. I don't know a single agent who will want to represent you based on the fact that you're a < insert medical condition or personal problem here >. You never see in submission guidelines "special priority granted to persons with < insert condition or situation here >." Submitting your writing is about YOUR WRITING, not YOU as a person. Now, again, if your medical diagnosis or life situation has something to do with your story (i.e. you've written a cancer survivor coping book and have survived cancer yourself), you can put a line in the query about "what qualifies me to write this." Then it's relevant. But don't just say "I'm a cancer patient with six kids to feed and looking for someone to buy my book." (First of all, agents don't "buy" your book - they represent you and present your work to those who would potentially buy it. Just sayin'.) Trying to evoke sympathy will not get you an agent. It will most likely end up getting you rejected. This isn't because agents are heartless. It's because you obviously don't know how to write a query letter and are trying to guilt them into representing you. Emotional blackmail is STILL blackmail, and it's abusive. Don't be that kind of writer.

Now, if you've crafted a brilliant story/followed the submission guidelines/done everything well, it may or may not get representation. If it does, you can tell the agent LATER, personally, that "oh, by the way, this might interfere with things...." It's all about relevance here, people.

Sympathy isn't a way to get anything. See the part in the Speshul Snoflake Syndrome definition about "entitlement."

YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING, EVER. You are not entitled to an agent, a book contract, a six-figure deal, publication, or anything at all, for any reason. Those things are earned, not given. (Unless, of course, you're a celebrity – then they'll just give you a book deal. Well, not YOU…a ghost writer because you're too busy being a celebrity to write anything, let alone write something coherent. Exception to Anthony Bourdain, who can write like a motherfucker.)

Well, that's not entirely accurate. I shouldn't say that Speshul Snoflakes aren't entitled to anything, because they are. They're entitled to mockery, derision and an award. A Speshul Snoflake Award (hereafter referred to as an "SSA").

It's been decided that Speshul Snoflakes are SO SPESHUL that we will occasionally feature one on this blog. I can't promise that there will be no names or links (this will depend on the infraction and obviousness of the Speshulness). Mostly it will just be drawing attention to How Not To Be A Douchebag Author. Our resident Photoshop guru may be making up this virtual award, and we will present it to the "lucky" recipient with our mockery. There is no shortage of "winners" here.

Why would we do such a thing? Because not only should stupid hurt, douchebags should be beaten. Then stabbed. With double-pointed knitting needles. (Wait, those are mine….)

Also...evil. Hi, evil writers here!