Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Julie Butcher

So I‘ve been around publishing for a while. There have been people who should have known better than to do what they did, but went ahead and let their stupid fall out all over everything. Since you are beginning evil writers, I’ll list out the things and then you do not do them. If you go ahead and act like a mental midget, it’s your problem. I won’t try and save you. I’ll just wave good-bye and leave you in the pit that you dug for yourself.

1.      Fire off a nasty email in reply to a rejection letter.

You can print it out and stomp on it. You can yell in your house. You can eat ice cream and cake and watch sappy movies and cry. There are a million things you can do instead of snapping out a rude and angry reply. Out there in publishing land, they send tons of those emails. They are not an insult to you. They are a reply to your query. If you don’t snap, that particular door is still open. Later you can send another manuscript. When you snarl and curse and bite, that door shuts forever. There are a limited number of doors. Don’t be stupid.

2.      Reply negatively to a review.

Everyone gets bad reviews. If you don’t believe this fact then go and look at the top authors on Amazon. They have one star reviews. Totally you are allowed to feel badly. You can cry. You can put that reviewer’s picture on your wall and throw darts if you like. What you absolutely cannot do is to go online and refute what they posted. My suggestion is not to read reviews period. Then you are not temped to get in a cat-fight in the comments, or to fire off another terrible email which can be copy pasted and shown to the world. For goodness sake keep your dignity. No one wants to work with a toddler who throws tantrums whenever they don’t get their way. People are allowed to have an opinion—even people who don’t like your book.

3.      Insult other publishing professionals.

If you are trying to be published (or if you are already there) and you disparage any other publishing professional you are shooting yourself in the foot. Do not moan about how long Agent X is taking to reply to your query. Don’t insult other people’s books—like writing scathing reviews online or elsewhere. Don’t gripe about your editor or agent. Use some common sense. Publishing as a whole may seem enormous. It isn’t. Everyone eventually knows everyone else. Yes, this is an eclectic bunch. Yes, you won’t like some of them—too bad. Put on your big kid pants and act like a grown up.

Most of this should be common sense and good manners people. Don’t make it harder than it is.

Baby Evil Writers 101: There Is No Muse

Baby Evil Writers 101: There is no Muse

Julie Butcher

If one more person tells me they didn’t write today because the muse is gone on vacation I’m going to smack them hard.

There is no muse. Let me repeat myself, there is no muse.

The only thing there is, is to put your butt in the chair and open the document and think about the story until the words hit your fingers. There is self-control. There is hard work. There is stubbornness. There is a brilliant mind that wants to fritter away time on twitter and facebook and favorite TV shows. There is not, however, a freaking fairy that bops you on the head until they make a hole and shove a story into your brain.

Stress saps creativity. Hunger sucks main characters dry. Illness makes your story about bodily fluids which is nasty. But the straight truth is that you are your own muse and that if you don’t take care of yourself and eat and drink and sleep—you won’t write.

Quit making excuses that are the equivalent of telling a cop that you weren’t speeding, the car was going too fast because and invisible Bigfoot had his hairy appendage on the gas pedal. Listen to me, we both don’t believe you. Not one little tiny bit.

If you believe yourself about the muse thing then you are in big trouble. Also you should probably seek professional help.

I know people who were going through horrible experiences in their lives and yet still managed to write and publish a story. If you want to be paid money, then it is a job and sometimes jobs are hard WORK. If it were all fun and games then you would get no money and it would be called PLAY.

We don’t believe in a muse. We believe in work. If you want to keep fooling yourself, then go away from me. When I don’t write it is because I am stressed or lazy or sick. There is no invisible force stopping my fingers. There is only me, on the couch watching television. Sometimes there is me, working in the garden. But you know what? I know what I’m doing. I don’t blame others for me being lazy or evasive.

Suck it up people. Be honest with yourself, and get your butt in the chair.

Baby Evil Writers 101: About Research

Baby Evil Writers 101: Research

Julie Butcher

I’m sure that all of you baby evil geniuses have heard the importance of doing your research. You’ve heard horror stories about how published authors have been lambasted in public because of some little detail they had gotten wrong in their story. They get emails and people leave reviews trying to publically embarrass and humiliate the writer.

I have met writers who have gotten so deep into research that they have still been writing the same book twenty years later. Research is a deep pit that turns into an escape from what you really need to do—write. You can trick yourself into feeling productive by finding out what herb they used on lamb in Scotland in 1354. In reality, this tidbit isn’t important to the story. What the characters are doing and talking about during the meal is important.

Just write the story. Mark in red the things that you are not sure of and MOVE ALONG. You can google anytime. When in doubt, absolutely do not spend hours and hours and days trying to verify a fact. That is the time for a vague description.

Instead of saying:

He held a Sig Sauer P227 Carry Nitron. Its matte black handle fit perfectly in his hand. The 14 Round extended magazine had enough ammunition to take me down before I’d run a block. That was too much death for a seven inch weapon.

Say:

He had a gun—matte black and lethal. Adrenaline made the skin on my face feel tight, and my legs twitched with the need to run. I wasn’t ready to die.

Because no matter how much research you do, someone out there actually has a Sig Sauer P227. If you describe it perfectly, they’ll catch you on having the shell casing flying out the wrong way. Granted, that took me maybe ten minutes of research but the thing is it does not matter. There is a gun. Guns kill people. Your character thought he/she was going to die. It really is not important what kind of gun he had. The emotions generated by the sight of any gun will send adrenaline to limbs and cause a heart to beat faster.

Don’t get stuck in the details. Get deeper into the emotions. Every ten or twenty or thirty minutes of research are words that are never put onto a page.

Also it is a lame excuse to not write.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Julie Butcher

I don’t think I’ve ever met a writer who doesn’t want to quit working, stay home and make their living from writing. Quitting the day job is the ultimate dream. The problem is making your dreams into reality. Those pesky children seem to want food every single day and then you need a roof, and electricity to run your laptop, and heat in the winter is a necessity and not a luxury. If this is a serious goal, you need to have a plan.

First of all, you have to sell some books. To live in a modicum of comfort, you need to have three books on the shelf for each and every member of your family. For most people this means that their career needs to be firmly established for ten years or more before they gain their freedom. During those ten years, you need to figure out some things.

1.      Where will the health insurance come from? If you are the working person who provides this necessity, you need to plan on paying for it yourself. It isn’t cheap. Unless you have a few hundred thousand dollars tucked away, this isn’t optional.

2.    Make a budget and learn to stick to it. An author gets paid twice yearly and that is a long time between paychecks. Ramen is good but it’s not that good. Also it will make you fat so there you go.

3.      Will any of your children be going to college when you plan to work at home? If so, add another book on the shelf for each child in college. Even scholarship students have expenses not covered by grants and loans

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4.      Pay off anything you can before you quit working outside of the home. You get bonus points for no mortgage and a decent, paid-for car that won’t need immediate repairs.

5.      Include in your budget traveling expenses for conferences and conventions. You’ll need the exposure and unless you’re a big time author, you won’t get your plane tickets paid for you

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6.      Don’t forget to set money aside for promotional items. Also don’t go nuts with these. It is kind of dumb to give away something that costs more than you make by selling a copy of your book.

Most of all you need to get into the habit of setting aside writing time each and every day and sticking to your schedule.  Working from home is still working. No work, no food. Easy-peasy.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Don't Do This to Me Ever

Baby Evil Writers 101
Julie Butcher

So I've been doing a lot of reading for writers lately and some of the openings make me want to go and find the writer and smack them hard in the face.

Your opening is the very first time I get to meet your character and I really want to like them. I do. I’m quite sure that the lovely agents and editors want to love them. So let’s pretend that you are in a car and you've never met this person before. You’re going on a twelve hour drive with them. Just you and them. Now let’s pretend that you are telepathic and that you can read their mind.

Now go and read the first two pages of your manuscript. I’ll wait.

.

Did you have your character do or say or think any of the following things?

1.       I don’t want to be here.

2.       I hate her/him/it/them.

3.       I’m going to vomit/spit/pee/poop

4.       I need to use the bathroom.

5.       I’m bored.

6.       I’m tired.

7.       Life sucks.

8.       I wish I was dead.

9.       I wish you were dead.

10.   I want to kill them

11.   That anything or anyone is stupid. (Including themselves.)

12.   That anyone or anything is dumb, boring or gross.

13.   They want to have sex with something or someone.

Now I want you to pretend that this stranger character said all of the things that they thought and said directly to you. Do you want to be in the car with them for twelve hours? Because I probably won’t. 

What you’re asking the reader to do is to spend twelve hours with a virtual stranger. FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND WRONG IN THE WORLD do not do those things.

If you met someone at a cocktail party, and they threw up on your little black dress, would you stay around to get to know them?

I wouldn’t.

If they said any of the above things to you, a stranger, would you want to give them your precious time?

Nope.

All-righty then. Go and delete those pages and introduce your character in a way that shows us who they are inside. Give us a glimpse of the very best part of their soul. Make us want to know them better before we learn their weird preferences and nasty quirks.

No bodily fluids.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Rules
Julie Butcher

When I first started writing, I went to every single blog post and website to see if I was doing it wrong. The problem with this was that everyone said something different.

You can find rules all over the internet. Never use then, never use comma and then! Never use an adverb, or an adjective, or a noun. Oh my goodness go and cut every single word ending in –ly, or –ing! 

Oh my darling baby minions of evil, You must follow the rules.

Or maybe not.

I tried to follow all of the laws or rules or whatever you might call them. I went through an entire manuscript to take out *that* and *then*. And guess what? It totally made the writing stupid. The music and voice had leaked out with the giant holes.

Guess what else my darling evilettes? If your writing is compelling and your characters enthralling, you can break any rule you want.

The biggest and only rule you need for writing is to make each sentence count. Every single word should be necessary to carry your plot forward. Each sentence should be complete in itself. If you take a sentence out of context, it should still sound lovely and make sense.

To do this, try reading your story out loud. The stupid sentences will jump out at you. You'll sit and wonder what came out of your mouth. I swear it will help.

So quit googling the rules and spend the time making sure the words on the page mean what you want them to mean. Tell your story without bogging up your brain with too many laws of writing.

Because really, there aren't any.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Julie Butcher

So now that a few of you have off for the holidays, I'm sure your evil glee extends to sending queries! You have time, you have a computer. Your internet is working, so why not?

No. Because the agents are all like this—

And the editors are all like this—

I know this because I am a writer and I am all like this—

Even my kids are all like this—

And the dog—

And the cat—

Everyone is all like this—

So, wait until after the New Year, mkay?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part Two

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginnings Part Two

Julie Butcher

When you meet a new friend, and they’re nice to you, then you like them. In a book, we can only stand in the shadows and watch to see if we like a character. We notice what they do, how they treat others, how they speak, if they're an asshat—or not.

We judge them. With their actions and dialogue in only a few pages, we make a final decision if we want to spend time in their world. If you don’t believe me, go and people watch at the bookstore. Customers don’t skip to the middle, they look on the first page.

So this is why your beginning is the most important part of the story. If you can’t hook the reader, the rest of the book is a waste of your time. I content edit books for a lot of people and I’ve noticed a few things that happen often enough to be trends.

1.       The character is alone. Okay guys, when you’re at the park or the store and you’re say, waiting in a line. Do you watch someone quietly standing by themselves or do you watch a couple talking, or a boisterous family? Now, if you are watching the guy by himself and he’s talking to no one, do you want to hike yourself across the store for a visit with the crazy person? Of course you don’t. People who talk to themselves are dangerous—certainly more so that a couple or a family. If you wouldn’t go right into that book and talk to the character, don’t write it that way.

2.       The character is angry, or depressed, or just being a booger-head. We all have friends who have bad days and we have to deal with them and their problems because they are already our friends. If I meet someone and they’re glowering, and kicking puppies, and farting or whatever—the first thought in my head is absolutely not that I want to spend time with them. Oh heck no.

3.       The character is responding to someone else. Your main character should be the first one to speak. It is his story. He should be the one to steer the conversation boat. The first thing out of his mouth should be positive. (We like to meet positive people) His first action should be a tiny glimpse into his soul. Is he gallant? He can hold the door open for someone. Is he brave? He could chase a criminal or grab a child out of traffic. Is his family the most important thing in his life? He could call his mom to say hello. Yes, most of these things are kind of boring . But we need to see your main character as a likeable person before all of the terrible things happen to him. If we don’t like him, we could care less if he loses all his money or if he fails a test or if someone smashes his car.

4.       The character is looking in a mirror. We don’t need to know what he looks like, we need to know who he is, where he is, what he’s doing, and how he treats people. Don’t insult your reader by thinking that they’re so shallow that they’ll like someone because of their looks. How rude.

Right now don’t worry about the perfect first sentence. Let us meet your character for a page or two before the end of the world happens. Let us like him because that is important.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part One

Baby Evil Writers 101:Beginings Part One

Julie Butcher

I think every writer I have ever met started their first manuscript with their character being alone. They’re in their house, or in the bed, or standing and waiting for a bus—but they are always alone. There is a logical reason for this. It’s way harder to imagine six people in a room, their actions and dialogue than it is one.

Sometimes this works my evil darlings but mostly it makes you work harder to make your protagonist likable. When we see people in real life, we judge them by their actions , and by how they interact with others. Let’s say you’re at a park. You see a toddler trip, scrape their knee, and start screaming bloody murder.

1.       The mother runs to comfort the child. She hugs him and sings.

2.       The mother runs, grabs up the child, and starts screaming for help, “Call 9-1-1!”

3.       The mother ignores the child and lets another mom take care of the toddler.

4.       The mom snatches a first aid kit from her purse, cleans and bandages the wound, but talks on her cell the whole time.

5.       The mother smacks the child and complains loudly about how much work this child is for her.

       

You would feel differently about the mother with each scenario. But the main point is that you would be judging her by how she reacts to her child’s injury. If a child wasn’t present, she’d just be sitting on a bench and thinking—boring.

Since we are human, and evil, we watch from the sidelines and judge others. This is what we all do. In sixty seconds we are judge, jury, and executioner. Everyone does this and they do it with your book. At most you get a page or two to interest the reader in your hero.

That isn’t much.

 Put your protagonist with someone else, show how he interacts with others. Otherwise, he is just like a picture on the wall—we know what he looks like but nothing about who he is inside.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Candy is like Stories

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Candy is Like Stories

Julie Butcher

It is almost Halloween minions. Rejoice! Now, not only do you have lovely costumed beasties running about the neighborhood to inspire you to greater heights of writing evil, you have CANDY!

Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar suuuuuuuuuuggggggaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I’ve been thinking a lot about candy lately. (Okay, I do anyway but especially now that it is time to trick or treat.) And what I’ve figured out is that the lovely evil that is candy is a lot like working on your manuscript.

“Pish-tosh,” you say? Well, I am evil, and I can hear you, and you should be very afraid right now. It is so like candy. The reason your words are like chocolaty goodness is that after too many, we begin to feel ill. That’s right, as sick as a dog. Baby evil writers tend to hammer a point so hard that it sticks out the other side of the manuscript.

Plot points are lovely things until they turn into a railroad spike that you drive through my head. Most generally, readers are a smart bunch of cookies. When the bad guy kicks a dog, we know he is bad. Your main character should know he’s bad. Your hero should immediately PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE FOR KICKING A DOG. We don’t need him to pontificate on why it is a terrible thing to hurt animals.

Unless your target reading group is high functioning sociopaths, they get it. Don’t kill the flow of your scenes by stopping to explain the motives behind punching a bad guy in the face. You do not have to justify your hero’s actions.

Another reason your words are candy is that too much of a good thing is always bad. We tend to like our hero. We want him to be happy.  This is lovely and boring. Torture your darlings my evil minions. Give them just a minute glimpse of happy before the next big bad comes and kicks them in the teeth.

You may get your candy now but he doesn’t get any until the end of the book.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Using Triggers to Write

Using Triggers to Write

Julie Butcher

How many times have you sat down to write and the glittery shininess of the internet  swept you away? (Kind of like Calgon-take-me-away, right?) It is oh, so easy to just pop onto twitter for a few seconds and end up staying for two or three hours. Then, you’ll only accept the gifts from the fun neighbor games on facebook, and not actually play. Then an hour later it’s time to tuck the kids in bed or do the dishes. Real life takes over and you have zilch wordage for the day.

There are several different things to use to get working. I use audio, visual, and space for prompts.

Audio:

When I begin a manuscript, I use one song where the beat and lyrics sing the story in my mind. I play it on repeat for the first several chapters—until I don’t really hear it anymore. Then, when it is finally time to write (remember, I have six kids) I play the song a couple of times and the story jumps back into my head. Even if I fall from grace and wander over to twitter or facebook, the song sticks the story into my brain. The downside of this method is that when you’re in the car and the song comes on the radio, you start getting story and you can’t write it down. (Very, very irritating)

Visual:

Make a story board or character sheets. (I already told you how to do that here.) Look at them before you begin writing. It really does help to make the characters full-fleshed. Then you won’t give them the wrong eye or hair color and they won’t use another character’s slang words. This saves on editing later

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Space:

You need a place where you write. It needs to both be so familiar that it isn’t distracting and uncomfortable enough that you don’t fall asleep. It needs to be safe so that you don’t worry if people come in or out. Preferably, there needs to be a door you can lock or a ladder you can pull up. I’m lucky enough to have a clubhouse—with ferocious guard dogs and cannons and a moat. Okay, no dogs or ditches but I do have a clubhouse. You might have to make do with a locked bedroom door.

The thing is that by using prompts, you’ll save a few minutes, or hours. That’s a good thing, right?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent #1

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent Step #1

Julie Butcher

Once you’ve finished a manuscript, it’s easy to jump right into sending hundreds of letters to literary agents. Maybe you get a list from a friend, or sign up for a website that lists agents who represent the genre of book that you write. They’re an agent and so inherently have the evil goodness that you’re searching for, right?

Not so my sweet minions of evil.

 I personally know many writers who lost YEARS OF THEIR LIVES by signing with an agent who was so not the cream center of the Twinkie. I know it is hard not to grab the first agent that says they like your work. Querying is a horrible, mind and spirit breaking process, but it needn’t make your brain leak out of your ears, or your lack of common sense flush all of your hard work down the toilet of fail.

What you write may be art but, this is a business guys, and you need to know stuff.

 Today, I’ll focus on one way you can positively know that an agent is honest, and that they’ll have your best interests at heart. (There are lots of different checks and balances you can do, and this is just the first.)

Is this agent a member of AAR? (Association of Author’s Representatives)

The literary agents of AAR are the super-agents of the publishing industry. They have a Cannon of Ethics and strict guidelines that they must adhere to in order to stay a member. Because of the difficult membership requirements, an AAR agent is more likely to be in publishing for the long haul, and not someone who informs their clients of a career change on Facebook. (Yes, this happened.)

So, before you query everyone and their dog, start with the AAR list of agents.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding Your Voice

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding Your Voice

Julie Butcher

The first time I heard the term Voice, as it applies to writing, was at an SCBWI Conference in St Louis. It was the first time I’d ever met a real-life editor and I was terrified. She very kindly told me that I hadn’t found my voice yet. (FYI this is a bad thing.)

A writer’s voice is almost indefinable and always different from every other. It consists of the way the author combines words, phrases, and idioms. Pacing is part of a voice, as well as character and world building elements.

Okay now I’ll give examples (in English) because I re-read what I’ve written and realize that in 2004, this wouldn’t have helped me one little bit. First we’ll do dark and light voices.

One ray of light broke through the brooding cloud cover, swallowed almost immediately by darkness.

One beam danced through the clouds and skipped like a happy child back behind the grey.

You might write one or the other, or a combination of both. Some people will be drawn to the dark and others to the light. Few people will be drawn to both. This is important to know because some people will never like your writing. You’ll always have a percentage who love your work and a percentage who hate it. Get over yourself because that’s how it goes. You’ll make yourself crazy trying to please everyone. It can’t happen. Period.

No matter how many books you sell, there will always be people who don’t like them. I like vanilla ice cream. You might like chocolate-marshmallow-fudge-chunky-monkey. You’re not a bad person because you like monkey ice cream. We just like different things.  Probably that is why there are so many different books, you think?

The thing about voice is that you’ll only find it by writing. I hear beginning writers say that they can’t read other writers when they’re working on a story. To this I say, “DID YOUR BRAIN FALL RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD?” The only way you get better is by reading people who do it right.

In the best case scenario, your first manuscript will have to be re-written at least ten times before it would be acceptable to an agent or an editor. (Probably more. I’m only saying ten because if I used real numbers it would be overwhelming.) It won’t matter if you pick up a phrase or two along the way. Keep reading the good stuff. That’s how you learn. There isn’t a substitute for well-written work. Not your critique buddies work, and not all of the free self-published material in the world are a substitute for reading professional material.

Eventually, about a million words in, you’ll find your unique voice. Then you’ll find people who love, and hate it.

Baby Evil Writers 101: On Publishing Wait Times

On Publishing Wait Times

Julie Butcher

Stop.

Before you hit send on that manuscript submission or query letter, realize what you're getting yourself into. Because the honest truth is that you're going to need the patience and restraint of a saint. When you're evil this can be the most difficult part of the publishing process.

Not kidding, guys.

Whatever reply scenario you see on a website's guidelines is the fastest possible reply time. It can be longer. In most cases, it will be longer. That said you'll get rejections at an amazingly fast pace. It's always seemed to me that the no comes much more quickly than the yes.

In my own experience, it took sixteen months from querying my agent to an offer of representation.  I know of writers who had an offer on a book as long as two years after they sent the full manuscript. That said, it probably isn't a good idea to poke at people who have only had your work for a couple of weeks.

Learning to wait is part of the process. You'll wait to get an agent or editor. Then you'll wait for them to find the time to read your work and give you notes. After you write like a fury on the revisions, you'll have to wait some more. Then you'll wait to get a publishing date, and wait for the longed for day.

Seriously. You will wait until every nerve in you body screams for it to be over. Then, when you're at the breaking point, YOU WAIT MORE.

The easiest way to deal is to not worry until at least six months after you've sent your work out there. Then, you can email and ask. Then, wait another six months. Find something to do instead of clicking your email every six seconds. Start another project. Write a different story. Go outside and soak up some sun.

This will take a while.

Things you can learn to make waiting easier:

1. Stand on you head in a corner and spit nickels.
2. Make Latin an undead language and chat with your friends.
3. Invent a hover board. (Marty McFly has obviously fallen down on the job.)
4. Tibetan throat singing/ make it to the international contest.

Any more ideas? 

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Julie Butcher

So, I have been watching everyone on Twitter and Facebook make their choices about what they’ll try to achieve in 2013. The thing about resolutions is that you’re supposed to actually do them. You’re making a promise to yourself that you will accomplish these goals. You might want to think twice about a few I have heard.

  I will get an agent/editor.  ßBAD IDEA

Ummm…no. First of all, the agent or editor chooses you. You pick who to query with your work but after that, the words are all you have. Also, you don’t get them. You work together as a team. The better goal would be to say, I will send out 100 polished, edited, queries in 2013. You can control this resolution while the first is really up to fate.

  I will get a book deal.  ß BAD IDEA

Once again, this isn't within your control. You cannot force anyone’s hand. You cannot make a deal—unless, of course, you make your own fake publishing company and self-publish your story. If all you want is to see your words in print, then go ahead. But don’t expect Goofball and the Amazing Muse to sell like Fifty Shades of Grey. You have a better chance of winning the lotto.

  I will make a bestseller list.  ßBAD IDEA

Of course we would all like to see our book in the top ten lists of The New Your Times. I’m happy for every single writer who is on that list. But, once again, you have no control over whether you make a list or not. All you can control is your writing. You can make yourself sit at the keyboard. You can make yourself outline and write a killer synopsis. You can’t make the faceless masses buy your book. There are names for people who try to force others to do things. Most of them I wouldn't use in public.

   I will write like it is my job.  ßGOOD IDEA

If you have the goal of writing, and actually making green money from your books, you’d better get in the habit of making it your work. This is a resolution that, for the most part, you can control. Of course, if an airplane crashes into your house, you get a free pass and a do-over.

   I will think before I hit SEND on an email. ßEVEN BETTER IDEA

I firmly believe that most writers shoot themselves in the foot agent-wise. They get a form rejection, and fire off an email quicker than snap. A rejection is only that. Your work isn't ready, or it isn't a story that the agent/editor loves. It isn't a reflection on you, your brain, your heart, or your children. Until you click send, the door to that particular agent/editor is open. The very second you pop off that blistering tirade, the door closes forever.

  I will edit the literal crap out of my work to the best of my ability.  ßBEST IDEA EVER!

Editing your own work is difficult, but not impossible. You definitely need a group of beta readers to help you find where what was in your mind didn’t land on the page. You can see your characters like they’re standing in the room. They’re ingrained in your imagination so well that unless you put your work away for weeks (and possibly months if your memory is good), you literally cannot find the mistakes. Editing makes the difference between getting an agent/editor, and singing the blues.

But no matter what you said on January first, give your resolutions a good think, and change them if you need to. Unrealistic goals set you up to fail, and no one needs that, right?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Queries over the Holidays

Baby Evil Writers 101: Queries over the Holidays

Julie Butcher

No. Just no.

Reason One

Literary agents and editors are people, too. They have families. They celebrate holidays. Nowadays everyone has their work email on their phone. Dinner preparation, presents, cleaning, and running about are stressful for everyone. Would you want your job calling you thirty times during your Christmas dinner? So that would be a no.

Reason Two

The holidays are just after NANOWRIMO. If you’re unfamiliar with November as a writing month you should check it out here.  Everyone in the publishing industry is way too familiar with this phenomenon. Tons of writers dash out fifty thousand words in November, slap on an ending, and immediately query agents and editors. You do not want to be one of these people. I’m not saying that Nanowrimo is bad because it gets people in the habit of writing everyday—which is a good thing. The stinky part is that some of these people don’t think they need editing before they woosh their freaking first draft into the world. You don’t want to flush years of effort down the toilet, so—no.

Seriously guys, no.

Reason Three

Most literary agencies and publishing houses are closed for the holidays. When they return, the email is exploding. Even if you’re possibly the next Nobel Prize winner, you’ll drown in the flood. Your chances of having your email lost or deleted have to be a hundred times what they are on a normal day. So, no. Don’t do it.

Reason Four

People remember negative easier than positive. Of all the holidays you remember, the one where someone brought their sick kid to dinner (and they barfed at the table) stands out like mold on bread. Publishing people are smart, guys. They read and everything. They remember who was rude and interrupted their family time. Do you really think they’ll want to work with the person who ruined Christmas?

I know, you think one little email won’t bother anyone. BUT, if your query chimes in and the turkey burns because of it, you’re toast—so no. Seriously, no.

Reason Five

Holidays are for families. Take that time to enjoy your own loved ones. They deserve your entire attention. They love you whether you’re published or not. Seriously, guys, someday they won’t be there and you’ll regret not taking a few days to show them you love them.

I wish you a safe and lovely holiday season filled with all of the good life has to offer.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Tags and Traits

Baby Evil Writers 101: Tags and Traits
Julie Butcher

Tags are word that you try to use only for one particular character. When making your character sheet (see my last Baby Evil Writers 101 post) you need descriptive terms that apply only to one person.  When that person is introduced into a scene, you use one of the tags in the description.

Here is our character sheet from the last lesson.

Gregor (Poppi) Romanoff

Age: 67

Height: 6’

Nationality: Gipsy

Accent: Russian

Married to: Maria (Baba) Romanoff for forty years

Voice sounds like a gravel road

Plays the Violin for gipsy dancers

Lives in an Airstream trailer

Phrases: Devochka as an endearment

Favorite thing: To find news under the message stone

Now we need to make descriptive tags to hang on Poppi. (Whiskers, piercing gaze, tanned, white hair, determined)

The first time Poppi is introduced in the story it reads,

 *The spotlight lit up Poppi’s white hair as he trilled the opening notes.*  Since Poppi is a supporting character, whenever he pops into a scene after an absence from the story line, he’ll have a tag. This is purely to give the reader a mental nudge to form a picture in their mind. I’ll try very hard not to use Poppi’s tags anywhere else in the story.

Next, we need to give Poppi traits. Traits are like tags except they describe either an item the character owns or keeps with them, a characteristic physical movement, or his responsibilities/job.

(Violin, hex bag, pocket watch, sword)

The next time Poppi comes into the picture it reads,

*“Stacia, when you’ve changed, fold the outside chairs and put them in the trailer. We’re meeting up with a carnival in Boise tonight.” He closed and snapped his violin case. “There’s a State Fair, and we’ll run for a month, you’ll like that.”*

Have tags and traits for each character

Use them when a character enters a scene.

Don’t use those words for another character or description if possible. (A it’s lazy and B your job as a writer is to know more than one word for white.)

Baby Evil Writers 101: Character Sheets

Baby Evil Writers 101: Character Sheets
Julie Butcher

One of the biggest mistakes new writers make is to dive into a manuscript without planning the characters. Names aren’t enough. What do they look like? What’s their favorite food? How old are they and when is their birthday? What’s their favorite curse when they’re angry?

Having a hazy idea of what your character looks like shows in your writing. I’ve found that having a character sheet on hand (I pin them on the wall in my writer clubhouse) makes my descriptions crisp and rounds the character into a real person.

Gregor (Poppi) Romanoff

Age: 62

Height: 6’

Nationality: Gipsy

Accent: Russian

Married to: Maria (Baba) Romanoff for 40 years

Voice sounds like a gravel road

Plays the Violin for gipsy dancers

Lives in an Airstream trailer

Phrases: Devochka as an endearment

Favorite thing: To find news under the message stone

When you have an actual picture, it is easier to describe the flow of their hair and the way their ears stick out—just a little. You need a character sheet for each person you put in your book. You can use live people, but chances are that if you would use someone in your own house, someone you know well, by the time you’d need to write a sequel, they would be several years older than when you began their story. Then what would you do?

This is the start of a character sheet. Next time we’ll add tags and traits.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Conflict, Resolution, Setback

Baby Evil Writers 101: Conflict, Resolution, Setback
Julie Butcher

Everyone knows how Mondays go. You wake up like it is any other day that ends with a Y. And then, an evil Monday problem jumps out at you from behind the door. OH NOES!

You stub your toe on the way to the coffee pot. While hopping on one foot (because your toe thinks it’s dying) you knock the sugar bowl off the counter. It crashes to the floor and the glass shatters. Before you have time to blink your child runs into the kitchen on bare feet

.

Because you are a mother, you snatch up the child, stepping into the mess to do so. You scream as glass stabs into your surviving foot, and adds blood to the sticky mess. You plop the child safely on a chair and leave bloody footprints on the way to the broom cupboard. Simultaneously you pour cereal into your child’s bowl, sweep the floor, and run water to mop up the blood

.

Finally, you have the mess cleaned up, and the children fed, and have acquired both coffee and bandages. Now all you need to manage are clothes. Whew. Double whew. Your neck muscles relax and your jaw untenses from the clenched position. You are Super Mom!

You stretch, and the clock on the microwave catches your eye. SWEET MINIONS OF EVIL IT IS BLINKING! The power must have gone out last night. You run for your phone and discover that YOU ARE LATE!

Every chapter in your book is a Monday morning.

CONFLICT: Your hero has a terrible problem. OH NOES!

RESOLUTION: Your hero fixes the problem. OH YAY!

SETBACK:  Here comes another problem and it is worse than the first problem. OH HOLY CRAP!

If you have a scene without these three elements, delete it. You don’t write chapters to drop information or to set up the reader for what is going to happen later. Information is like sprinkles on ice cream. You don’t eat a whole bowl of sprinkles. (You might want to but it isn't how it is supposed to be.)