Why We Can't Have Nice Things

There's been an article going around the writerly circles of the Intarwebz lately about an author who stalked and confronted the person she felt was her "#1 critic."

Now, fuck knows why the Guardian chose to publish this particular piece (I personally suspect it has to do with attention-whoring on the part of both the outlet and the author in order to increase the sales numbers of both parties, but that's my opinion), but publish it they did, and - as we've discussed multiple times on this blog - THE INTERNET IS FOREVER. There are no take-backs on the Internet. You can't un-ring the bell once you pull that cord, so...yeah. Even if they wanted to take the article down (and there has been outcry for them to do that very thing), it wouldn't be gone. There's Internet archives, screenshots, reblogs...this is now on-record and what did I just say?

THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.

Which brings me to the point of this little rant. Our mission here at the ELEW is to whip inkslingers - both burgeoning and seasoned veterans - into shape. It's right there in black and white: "The Evil League of Evil Writers does not support whining, crying, sniveling, whimpering or bawling about writing, publishing or any aspect thereof. If you're looking for a shoulder to cry on or a sympathetic ear about the rejection letter you've gotten from a literary agent, or a bad review of your work, you will not find it here." So, you can guess how well this latest debacle went over with me.

The mental health of the author in question is not the issue here. (It's been shown through various posts written by the author herself that she has a history since adolescence of behavior/mental/emotional instability. These are facts, not a critique of the author's personality. Thank you to co-founder Bitchstress Dreamkiller for the research links provided.) What is in question here is professionalism and the lack thereof in this particular instance.

It's been discussed here before that you do not respond to reviews of your work, not even to thank the reviewer for reading your work.

YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

REPEAT AFTER ME.

YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

BOLDED: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

UNDERLINED: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

ITALICIZED: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

ALL THREE: YOU DO NOT RESPOND TO REVIEWS OF YOUR WORK.

Do you fucking get it now?

"But Dina," you say, wringing your hands. "You thanked people when you were a baby writer! You fucking hypocrite!"

Yeah? Well, guess what? I didn't have a website like this one to tell me NOT TO DO THAT. It wasn't until much later in my career that I learned how professionals respond to reviews, and that was from reading the blogs of professionals I admired. And you know what they ALL said? "DON'T FUCKING RESPOND TO REVIEWS NOT EVEN TO SAY THANK YOU!" Once I learned that, I didn't thank anyone else. I knew enough to not respond to criticism, so I was safe there, but once I learned the "DO NOT ENGAGE" tenet, I adhered stringently.

"But Dina," you say, your brow furrowing in annoyance. "Big Author X thanks people/reposts reviews/does stuff you're saying not to here! They're a Big Name Author and they do it, so it must be okay!"

Yeeeeeaaaah, no. Just because they do something doesn't mean it's okay for you do to. Think of it like a professional sportsperson - just because they can perform a certain feat doesn't mean you can do it with the same finesse or skill. You are not them, so don't try to be.

Also, part of the reason you don't reply to any review/criticism, positive or negative, is because you'll be tempted to respond no matter what, and that's a dangerous precedent to set. Best to avoid all contact instead of limiting yourself to only a certain type. Further, it makes you look like a douchebag when you constantly point out positive or negative reviews to your fans/followers. One says, "Whee! Look at me! This person thinks I'm awesome! Go see!" and the other says, "Whee! Look at this douchebag! They think I suck! Go tell them they're wrong!" See what I mean, here? Either way you look like an asshat. So don't do it.

Now, the above stated, let's get into some specifics regarding the above article. The author in question, for all intents and purposes, STALKED the person online she felt was causing her the most "harm." I'm not going to get into mental health issues/thin skin/personality problems or any other "reason" anyone might come up with to defend this author's CRIMINAL behavior. Just because there's a potential reason does not excuse the behavior. Like that fucknugget douchebag who murdered those women in California not too long ago. Just because he had reasons for his issues doesn't excuse the fact that he committed murder. Yeah, I went there. I made the comparison. I don't want to hear any whining about how the two crimes aren't at all similar, because guess what?

They are. They're both crimes. They were both committed by people who felt wronged in some way. Jim C. Hines has a fantastic article on the difference between victim and perpetrator in regards to this butt-hurt author's wangst, and I agree with his assessment one hundred percent. This author not only broke the unwritten "do not engage" rule, she broke what amounts to the writer's equivalent of the fourth wall - that space kept between writers and critics.

Dear Author has an excellent piece on why some people (bloggers, critics, writers) choose anonymity, and the author in question is one of the reasons.

Writers like her are the reason we can't have nice things. She is part of the problem. DO NOT BE PART OF THE PROBLEM. If you don't want to be criticized, this game is not for you. Because you know what?

There will always be someone out there you're going to annoy, hurt, or piss off. Hell, they might just not like you, your writing, your cat...whatever.

Some people are just assholes, and they glory in it. You know what the secret is?

I'll tell you. Get a pen and write this down on a sticky note and put it above your computer monitor. Ready? Here it is:

DO NOT FUCKING CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

I know. It's way easier said than done. Believe me, I know. It took me many, many years to accept, and many more to put into practice, but that's really the secret.

Do not fucking care what other people think.

You are never going to make everyone happy. Someone will always disagree with you, hate you, think you're an idiot, whatever. If you spend your whole life trying to make everyone happy, you're just going to end up a miserable mess. So you write what you want to write, and only give a rat's ass what someone has to say about your shit when it's someone who has an actual effect on the direction you wish to go. (Hint: This is not people on Goodreads.)

Example: a literary agent rejects you with a standard, impersonal, form rejection. Okay. Fine. YOU DO NOT WRITE TO THEM AND TELL THEM WHY THEY ARE WRONG TO DO SO. You accept it and move on. They're not offering a critique, nor do they have time to do so, so just move along. Cry in your beer for a night if you must (I know it hurts, but it's just for a minute, so down a shot of tequila and get back to work), but don't post a whiny screed on your blog about how that agent sucks for rejecting you. DO NOT ENGAGE.

Example: a literary agent rejects you with a personalized rejection listing a few things about your work that could be improved. This is an instance where you may POLITELY THANK them for their time and suggestions. This is NOT a time where you tell them their suggestions suck and so do they for not accepting your genius. See, this is one of those people who has an effect on the direction you wish to go. You can care about what they think. Go ahead. Just don't let how you feel affect how you react.

That's the trick to this whole "not caring" thing. When you do care what someone else thinks, you're still responsible for what your caring makes you do. You are STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR.

Don't be the reason we can't have nice things. Don't be a douchebag author.

Fuck, don't be a douchebag, period. The world has enough douchebags without you adding to them.

Recycled Post: Another Post on Queries - Basic Etiquette

So I'm being lazy today (as I'm still playing catch-up offline, so you're lucky I'm even here right now and found this lovely gem in the archives for your reading pleasure) and offering you a timely recycled post on "how to write a query letter." This is something of a follow-up to our wonderful Senior Pie Coordinator's bit on Three Stupid Things Writers Do. Where she is deadly calm and concise, I'm going to go into massive detail with screaming and cursing. Because that's how I roll, people.

This was originally written in 2011, right around this week, coincidentally. Again, awesome timing! Here we go:

In order to understand what prompted this rant week's blog post, go give this post a quick read. Go on, I'll wait.

http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/2011/09/lol.html

You see the part down at the bottom there, where some douchebag is fighting with the autoresponder to his query?

Yeah, that.

It shouldn't need to be said, but apparently it does: DO NOT FIGHT WITH THE AUTORESPONDER.

Honestly, if you bothered to research enough to find out where to send your query via e-mail, you should be smart enough to recognize an autoresponse when you get one. In addition to that, you should be GRATEFUL that you received an autoresponse – it means the email address you used was not only working, but correct. Writers are a paranoid, impatient bunch and we like to know things just haven't disappeared. Autoresponders give that sort of psychological reassurance. It's nice of an agency or business to have an autoresponder set up for that very reason.

Now that the "what set Dina off" portion is out of the way, let's get to the real subject of today's post.

Today we're going to talk about queries.

No, we're not going to talk about writing a query. You should already know how to do that, and if you don't, there are some great, free, reliable sources out there online that you can follow. This is more a list of do's and don'ts.

DO:

- INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND CONTACT INFO right at the top of the letter, just like professional letterhead. You're trying to be a professional, this is how it works. For e-queries, make sure again that your (correct!) contact information is there, but only once. If you have your contact info in your signature line, don't junk up the email with it everywhere. If it's an e-query, they're going to reply to the address you sent it from, so if you want your reply (autoresponse or not!) to go to a certain email address, send your query FROM that email address. Agents don't have time to compare email addresses, so don't send your query from your work email then wonder why you didn't get a response to your home email. Again, this shouldn't need to be said, but…yeah.

- KEEP IT TO ONE PAGE. A query letter is just that – a letter. The synopsis or first five chapters or whatever the submission guidelines ask for will tell the story for you, so you don't need to put it in your letter. Narrow your pitch down to a paragraph or two. You get 30 seconds max to make an impression. Don't waste time by telling an agent how you were inspired to write this. They don't care. Get to the good shit.

- FOLLOW THE SUBMISSION GUIDELINES. They might not make sense to you, and you might not agree with them, but they're written the way they are for a reason and it's not your place to question it.

Here's the deal: You're asking an agent for the one thing that they don't have a great deal of – their time. DO NOT WASTE THEIR TIME. I hear you over there. You're saying, "Well, I put so much time and effort into my query and they didn't bother to give me the same." SO THE FUCK WHAT. Cope. Deal. Stop crying. They aren't your babysitters. Also, a QUERY letter is just that. A query.

QUERY – question, inquiry.

Your query letter is basically a formal way of asking this agent if they will represent you/take you on as a client, but really, you're asking for much, much more than that, so show a little fucking respect.

- INCLUDE THE WORD "QUERY" OR "SUBMISSION" IN THE SUBJECT LINE OF YOUR EMAIL unless the agency wants you to put something specific there. If you're sending a query via e-mail, this helps the agent. Remember, helping the agent save time is a good thing.

- HAVE THE CORRECT INFORMATION AND A COMPLETE QUERY PACKET. Again, you might not understand why they want a synopsis and a letter and the first five pages, but that's not for you to question. It's for you to follow. And honestly, if you can't follow simple directions and put together a proper query packet, what is there to make them think you could follow the directions for anything else? An editorial letter or a deadline? If you can't manage a simple request when they've gone to the trouble to outline what you're supposed to do for them, that doesn't exactly bode well for any future relationship with you.  A little research goes a long way, and you've spent all this time getting your book ready to fly. Don't fuck up the landing. And speaking of research-

- RESEARCH THE AGENT/AGENCY. They have all the information out there you need. If you found an agent in the Writer's Market, make sure it's a current edition. Go online and make sure that person is still with that company and is still looking for what you're querying with. If they have a blog, go read it and make sure you don't have any of their pet peeves or red flags going on. Like this: http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/2011/07/red-flags.html

- FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. Make sure you send what they ask for AND NO MORE. Do not "save them time" by sending the whole manuscript when all they want is the first five pages. Remember learning about that in elementary school? There's a reason. Querying isn't like cooking – you can't just improvise the recipe and hope you make something edible. Do your homework and follow the guidelines and you'll stand out, I promise.

DON'TS:

- DO NOT REPLY TO A REJECTION. Just don't. (See the part about fighting with the autoresponder.) Agents get hundreds if not thousands of emails a day, and as you can see from the link above, a lot of those emails are rude responses to rejection. You don't need to add to their plethora of mail to wade through. If you simply MUST reply, be sure to include "Thank You For Your Consideration" or something in the subject line.

• EXCEPTION – If the agent you're querying has been corresponding with you or has met you at a convention or something and you have some kind of less-formal relationship, go ahead and send them a POLITE thank you in response to a rejection. Keep it short and sweet. Just say, "thanks for your time, I'm disappointed we won't be working together on this project, I appreciate your consideration" or something and leave it at that.

- DO NOT BEG THEM TO RECONSIDER. This is extremely bad form, and they won't remember you. If they do, it won't be in the "good way." Once an agent sends you a rejection, you've been removed from their consideration. They've moved on to the next query letter and you've been forgotten because they've already decided which "pile" you're in. You're dealt with and done and pitching a fit about it isn't going to help you. They rejected you for a reason, and unless you've changed something dramatically, they're not going to reconsider the same query, either immediately or in the future. Rewrite the book or the query or something. If they said no, there's a reason for it, even if it's not given. Also,

- DON'T ASK FOR CRITICAL FEEDBACK/THE REASON YOU WERE REJECTED. If it's not given in the rejection, don't pester them about it. They don't have time to go back and look up why they rejected you (if they even have that information - many agencies don't keep old queries on file for long, if at all), and if a specific reason wasn't given, suck it up and move on. It could be something as simple as the genre not being right for their agency at the time to an overabundance of that particular storyline. If you're lucky enough to be rejected with a reason, learn from it, fix your issue and go on.

- DO NOT ASK CONSTANTLY FOR STATUS UPDATES, ESPECIALLY THROUGH TWITTER OR FACEBOOK. Just. Don't. Do. This. Just don't. If you see an agent anywhere online or out at a restaurant or whatever, they're on their own time. They're not at work, so you shouldn't ask them about it. They don't have their work in front of them, and it's not fair of you to ask them to recall something on the spot. Also, they don't know. Okay? They just don't know. Again, see the part about hundreds or thousands of messages a day. You honestly expect them to remember your name out of all that? Can you? Name every person who has sent you an email in the last 8 weeks off the top of your head. Go on. If you can do that, you shouldn't be a writer. You should be working as some kind of smarty for a government organization somewhere. If you're NOT a superhero like most of us and can't name every person who has sent you an email in the last 8 weeks, why would you expect an agent to do that? Also, why would you expect them to take time (remember the "time" thing we've been talking about?) to find your note out of all those? I know you want special attention and are impatient and all that, but don't. Just sit and wait. Why? Because if you make a pest of yourself, chances are you're not the kind of person that agent wants to work with. Just sayin'.

• EXCEPTION: If you haven't heard back from an agent within their stated response time, a POLITE follow-up mail is acceptable. NOT a Facebook or Twitter message!

- DO NOT SAY ANYTHING LIKE ANY OF THESE LETTERS: http://slushpilehell.tumblr.com/

So there you have it. Basic query etiquette. Be nice, be polite, do your homework, and read up on things.

For more information on How Not To Be A Douchebag Author, please visit Skyla's blog [ETA: The archives on Skyla's blog aren't updated with her Shiny New Site yet, so just] click the HNTBADBA tag here on the ELEW blog and see what's there. There's a whole slew of posts on the subject.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Julie Butcher

I don’t think I’ve ever met a writer who doesn’t want to quit working, stay home and make their living from writing. Quitting the day job is the ultimate dream. The problem is making your dreams into reality. Those pesky children seem to want food every single day and then you need a roof, and electricity to run your laptop, and heat in the winter is a necessity and not a luxury. If this is a serious goal, you need to have a plan.

First of all, you have to sell some books. To live in a modicum of comfort, you need to have three books on the shelf for each and every member of your family. For most people this means that their career needs to be firmly established for ten years or more before they gain their freedom. During those ten years, you need to figure out some things.

1.      Where will the health insurance come from? If you are the working person who provides this necessity, you need to plan on paying for it yourself. It isn’t cheap. Unless you have a few hundred thousand dollars tucked away, this isn’t optional.

2.    Make a budget and learn to stick to it. An author gets paid twice yearly and that is a long time between paychecks. Ramen is good but it’s not that good. Also it will make you fat so there you go.

3.      Will any of your children be going to college when you plan to work at home? If so, add another book on the shelf for each child in college. Even scholarship students have expenses not covered by grants and loans

.

4.      Pay off anything you can before you quit working outside of the home. You get bonus points for no mortgage and a decent, paid-for car that won’t need immediate repairs.

5.      Include in your budget traveling expenses for conferences and conventions. You’ll need the exposure and unless you’re a big time author, you won’t get your plane tickets paid for you

.

6.      Don’t forget to set money aside for promotional items. Also don’t go nuts with these. It is kind of dumb to give away something that costs more than you make by selling a copy of your book.

Most of all you need to get into the habit of setting aside writing time each and every day and sticking to your schedule.  Working from home is still working. No work, no food. Easy-peasy.

Retro Evil - A Reintroduction

Here we are...six months into 2014. It's been a wild ride already! The whole month of April we here at the ELEW were raising funds to help our dear Senior Pie Coordinator and Clubhouse Keeper, Julie Butcher, with the monumental medical bills incurred while her husband took on a chainsaw-wielding grizzly bear. And you know what, evildoers?

We did it.

WE FUCKING DID IT!

May was spent making sure all the perks were going out, and so on and so forth. There have been other posts on this blog detailing exactly what we've done, so I won't rehash. The ELEW is often up to no good...it's part of what makes us evil. Our efforts have garnered us a few new followers curious about who we are and what the Evil League of Evil Writers is.

Today's post is going to be about that very thing - what makes a writer evil? What's interesting about this entry is that it is a reprint of my very first post for this blog...over three years ago! The ELEW was founded April 1, 2011 by me (Dina) and our lovely Bitchstress Dreamkiller, Skyla Dawn Cameron. Though we are the founders, this organization could not function without our members. It takes a special type of person to be an evil writer, and membership in our esteemed organization is something we take very seriously.

Let me explain.

(Previously published April 2011 on the old ELEW site. It has been resurrected for today.)

Evil is not to be confused with "mean." There is a vast difference between being mean and being evil. For example, being mean is setting people up to fail just to amuse you. Being evil is taking pleasure in their failure when they've set themselves up to fail despite your repeated warnings/attempts at educating them.

The Germans have a word for this concept – "schadenfreude."

I am not mean. I am evil. Mostly.

Why am I an evil writer? Because I have no patience, tolerance, or compassion. I have absolutely NO sympathy for self-inflicted wounds.

Note that. Self-inflicted wounds.

Being a writer is torture. It's hard on the writer, it's hard on the reader, and it's devastation to the characters and worlds involved. Not everyone is cut out to handle the kind of collateral damage that a writer endures - physical, mental, and emotional. It's a rough life, and like anything that isn't easy, there are always people who want to claim the achievement without having to endure the hard work.

These people take shortcuts, generally make asses of themselves to everyone, everywhere, shove their "hard work/success" in the faces of those they've longed to impress, do the "I told you so" dance…

…then whine because not only is their work not selling, they're not accepted by the writing community as either a professional or a writer.

I have no sympathy for these people.

There's an icon someone created (I have it credited as made by the LJ user tuuli-chan) that I sometimes use(d) on my Livejournal that says "easy reading is damned hard writing." (ETA: I have now become aware that this is a Maya Angelou quote.)

That says it all. Writing is hard. It's not just "put words on the page." There's a bit more to it than that.

Why do I bring this up?

Because I'm about to rip the whiners a new orifice. Those sitting in the first five rows would do well to raise their plastic sheeting about now.

As stated above, I have no sympathy for self-inflicted wounds. I have absolutely NO PATIENCE for people who whine about how they were ripped off by this "publishing company"*, or about how hard writing is, or how they're suffering from writer's block, or they want to write but don't have time, or about the bad review of their work they read, or about how no one but their mom believes in them, or they don't have a support group, or whatever.

Shut. The fuck. Up.

If you want to be a writer – a PROFESSIONAL writer – then you're going to have to learn to take a hit. Like a boxer, you're going to have to work hard and train and hurt and bleed and then train some more WHILE you're hurting and bleeding. There is no training montage song provided. You have to come up with that on your own, and it's going to take a little more than two minutes of "You're The Best Around" or "Eye of the Tiger" to make you into a professional.

You want to get in the ring, you're going to get hit, and I've got no sympathy for you if you're going to whine about it when you do. You were warned. There's a lot of absolutely free information out there from people who know what they're talking about. Author blogs, agent blogs, writer's resources – it's all there if anyone bothers to look.

Real, professional writers do their research, and they don't whine about it.

Writer's block? Here: http://www.lilithsaintcrow.com/journal/writers-block/ (updated link as the old one was eaten by trolls)

And that's just one example. Fear of rejection? Covered. How to deal with rejection? Check. What to do once you've finished a manuscript? Also covered. Finding time to write? Plenty of info out there on that one. Tempting your Muse with chocolate?

I'd be careful with that one. You'll probably end up on a porn site.

Actually, you'll probably end up on a porn site regardless of what you search for, so please use your brain and remember that if anyone anywhere on the internet asks you for your money/credit card before you can access anything, LOOK ELSEWHERE.

Now that we've got that established, let's continue.

Any question you have can be answered by the ALMIGHTY GOOGLE, so I'm not about to sympathize with any excuse as to why you can't act like the professional you're claiming to be (or trying to be). Somewhere, someone has had the same question as you, and they cope just fine.

Which brings me to another point. My fellow ELEW member, Bitchstress Dreamkiller Skyla Dawn Cameron, said it best: "Writers these days really have no excuse to be ignorant."

I have no sympathy for those writers who could have known better with a FIVE MINUTE GOOGLE SEARCH on whether or not what they were doing was appropriate.

I also have no sympathy for people who behave badly, in person or online, especially writers.

If you're trying to be a professional anything, it's probably a good idea to learn how the professionals got to be that way and…I don't know…emulate them?

Now, we've all made mistakes. We've all been n00bs at some point and we all start somewhere. We've all made blunders. If you don't learn from those mistakes, or aren't embarrassed by them once you learn you've made it (and apologize for it if appropriate), then you shouldn't be trying to attain a level of professionalism you're never going to make.

My point here is, I have no patience or sympathy for those who don't bother to learn the game they're trying to play.

I certainly have no sympathy for those who whine about something they've CHOSEN to do being "too hard," or they want to write and don't have time,** or that their shortcut didn't work out the way they thought it would. Many writers would argue that writing isn't a "choice," but rather who they are, and they would be correct.

But becoming a professional is a choice. You want to write? Fine. Write. Write away. Be fruitful and multiply and all that.

You want to be a professional writer?

Learn to write well.

There are no shortcuts. You want to be a professional writer, you work hard, and you don't whine about how hard it is. There's a reason my alter ego on Twitter is #gunnyjames; an R. Lee Ermey-style encouragement-via-humiliation-and-degradation motivator. (ETA: I haven't done #gunnyjames in awhile, but she's still out there...beware....)

If you act like an ass, I'll treat you like an ass. If you act like a professional, I'll treat you like a professional.

If you act like a candy-assed, cotton-wrapped, sheltered little wannabe writer whiner, I'll simply point you back to the hole you crawled out of, because you don't belong here with the rest of us. I will also bitch-slap you if you deign to compare your whiny ass to me. I've worked hard and know what I'm talking about. You don't.

That's what makes me an evil writer. I know the rules, I know how to play, and I'll kick your ass up one side and down the other if you try and take me on with your unprofessional bullshit.

I'm also evil because I enjoy making people cry.

Are you crying?

Yes?

My work here is done.

No?

Come here for a second….

* Hi, yeah, that was a vanity press, if you'd bothered to research them like, I don't know, I TOLD YOU TO DO, maybe that wouldn't have happened.

** This one seriously annoys the fuck out of me – you either want to write or you don't. If you really wanted to write, you'd make the time, not excuses.

Recycled Post: Dina Drinks Because You Suck

Dr. Dina is a little busy this month. We've had the Evil for Julie Fundraisers going on, and just because the donation part is over doesn't mean the work is. As such, Dr. Dina is recycling a post from the archives. We'll return you to your regularly scheduled evil at some point sometime. (Nice vaguery there, don't you think?)

Anyway! Today's post is brought to you by 100% recycled material! Enjoy!

Originally written April of 2012, so it's a couple years old.

Dina Drinks Because You Suck

I, regrettably, know one (or two, or five) of the individuals responsible for this rant, and what set me off this time was a particular post by one of them doing EXACTLY WHAT  YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO if you wish to become a professional writer.

This person is in the process of querying agents, i.e. they're looking for professional representation in a professional field. Now, said person has a history of fail, but this particular incident takes the cake.

This person blogged about their rejection.

"Well Dina, that's not so bad," you say. "After all, rejection is part of the process. Why shouldn't we blog about it?"

Blogging about being rejected is fine. Utterly fine. Blog away about your fail. But what you don't do –

WHAT YOU ABSOLUTELY DO – NOT – DO –

- is call the agent out on your blog BY NAME.

You don't say "So-and-So of This Agency rejected me. Add their name to the list of people who have."

You do NOT call an agent out on your blog. I don't care what they've done or haven't done. It's bad enough to blog about your rejection, but to blog about it so candidly?

"But Dina," you say. "What's wrong with that?"

A couple things.

1) Professional writers take rejection like adults.

You don't broadcast to the world that someone was fool enough to ignore your genius or however you want to phrase it. It's one thing to blog that you're querying. I know it's part of the process and some people need cheering on or consolation or whatever. All that's fine. But you don't slander (or libel as the case may be - "libel" is in print) an agent or agency just because they told you "no." Bad, bad form, whatever your reason. Which brings us to –

2) Rejection is between you and the agent.

How would you feel if you turned someone down for a job and they went and told the world that you suck for not giving them the job? Agents don't post their rejected queries online (well, not in their entirety and certainly not with any identifying information. I admit I love Slushpile Hell), and authors shouldn't post the list of agents who rejected them online.

Professionals don't do that. Professionals don't even mention they're in the query process until they have something to announce – like an acceptance of representation. Even then, some don't mention it. Some just put a little thing on their contact page of who reps them. Some don't even do that.

Now, given all that, it's your prerogative what you blog about/what you put on your website*. Your blog, your career, your life. If you get your kicks burning bridges, then by all means, post every damned rejection you get online for the world to see. I guarantee you no agent in the world is going to touch you once it gets around what you're up to, and believe me, the Internet isn't as small as you think it is. The publishing world is very small, and someone, somewhere (like me, for instance) is going to notice your douchebaggery and call attention to it.

If you bothered to research how to query properly/how to do things professionally, why don't you also research How Not To Be A Douchebag Author?

Oh, one last thing. Probably a bad idea to blog things like "To Any Agent Reading This Post," and putting your query letter up online and querying them with a URL.

Just sayin'.

*ETA 2014: This also includes your Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter...any of your social networks. The internet is forever, and what you say on it can get you into shit. How deep that shit is depends on how deep the hole you dug was, and how big a shovel you used...

Biting the Hand...

A while back, I was doing my normal thing and poking around Twitter while I made breakfast when this popped up in my feed:

Sending hate mail to your editor after they worked hard to give you honest, thorough, critical edits/critiques is not the way to go.
— Rachel Russell (@RachelxRussell) October 3, 2013

I threw up a little in my mouth when I read it.

I mean, all published authors have had some edits that make them want to scream but, dude... You're a goddamn professional. Grab a pillow, scream, then pull up your panties and get to work.

Here's a little mantra that might help you:

My editor is not my enemy. My editor is my book's very best friend.

Post it all over your office, house, car... tattoo it backwards on your forehead (so you can read it in the mirror) or forward on your arm (so it's visible every time you sit down at your computer). Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Editing isn't like a break up, it's really not. Your editor is not taking your book (heart) and ripping it to shreds in order to leave it (you) destroyed. It might momentarily feel that way, but it's not reality. Your editor's job is to make your book better.

Look at it like Frankenstein's monster.

Dude is basically building a person. He's got a pretty good handle on anatomy and has all the requisite equipment. When he flips the switch, the creature animates but...chaos results.

In the book world, that kind of chaos is bad.

Imagine if Frankenstein had an editor. Said editor would point out things like how stupid it would be to use a criminal's brain or heart. Bad juju. They'd notice that gaping hole where some organ or other should be. They might even be able to point out how to revive the creature without it turning monstrous.

Granted, that creature wouldn't have been as interesting to read about, but it would have LIVED. It would have been a miracle rather than a monster.

Writers, without a good editor, are creating monsters.

Now, you and your particular editor might not be a good fit. The editor might not "get" you. This happens, but it's no excuse for sending hate mail. It's no excuse for acting like a diva. Your art isn't art yet. It's palatable crap. You want--no, you deserve for it to be better than that, so why would you not take everything your editor says to heart?

Of course, there will be bits and pieces that require discussion and a few things that maybe you should fight for, but the author-editor relationship should be one of partners. Ask questions, get clarification, fight for that one scene that you know readers will love. But don't be an ass about it.

In fact--unless you are under mad deadlines which are rare with first round edits--don't do anything with your edits for at least 24 hours after you read them. Let them gel in your mind. Then read them again. Stuff that pissed you off at first glance might make more sense. And if they don't, give yourself another 24. Read the manuscript again with the editor comments in your mind and see if you can understand where the editor was coming from.

Then, take your questions, concerns, etc. and talk to the editor politely. They just spent a lot of time pouring over your work to help you make it better. Respect that. And choose your battles. There are darlings that will need to be killed in the editing process. Sometimes a lot of them. Be a professional and accept that fact.

24-48 hours. That's all. And it could be enough to keep you from turning a partnership into an adversarial mess. It could be enough to keep you from garnering a reputation as an author who is a bear to work with. Publishing isn't as big a world as people like to think--don't ruin your place in it with your ego.

Being a Professional...No Matter What

by Seleste deLaney

One thing new writers hear a lot is about how they need to be "professional," but no one's ever really sure what that means. To some it involves not drinking at conventions--I'll believe this when my editors stop shoving drinks in my hands at cons. To others it means keeping your distance and not sharing personal stuff--uh...yeah, I'm pretty much all personal stuff. The thing is everyone has their own definition of what it means to be a professional in this crazy world of publishing, and sometimes you won't even know what yours is until you don't have a choice.

There are some...challenges in my life right now (See? Personal stuff!), and it's affecting all facets of my world including writing. It doesn't seem to matter how gung ho I am about working. When I open that file (and there will be several files this month), I freeze. My heart gets lodged somewhere on the north end of my gullet and my chest hurts and... (Yay, Panic Attacks!) Let's just say what would normally take me one work day is now taking at least 2-3.

But you know what?

I'm an author. This is my job. And damn it to hell and back, I am going to act like a fucking professional and do it.

What that means, for me:

• I will drag my ass out of bed, no matter how much I'd rather lie there for hours.
• I will continue to cover my posts at my group blogs. I'd already minimized how many places I was blogging in preparation for writing insanity, so that's only a few posts a month. 
• I will keep my own blogs updated, even if it's just with videos or cute cat pictures. There will be posts on time. 
• I will organize my time to get my projects done. (I have four books to work on this month. FOUR! I don't have time to slack off and fuck around.)
• I will stay in contact with my editors so they are aware of what's going on with the manuscripts they're waiting on. 
• I will continue to fucking work even though it's hard and I don't want to...every day. 

On the flip side, I'm going to step away from social media when I need to (and focus on work instead). I'm not going to take on any new projects because I'm already buried.

For me, being a professional is doing what needs to be done, no matter what. And right now, I really need to be editing because that's the J.O.B.

There you have it. Want to be a professional author? Don't treat it like a hobby. It's what you have to do, not just what you want to do.

Selling yourself

I'm trying to sell my car (because I'm getting a new awesome one!) and it's made me think about marketing yourself, which is applicable here.

Promotion is a pain. It is also, unfortunately, how you sell books. While it would be delightful to write a book and then never do anything again and have it sell millions of copies, that's just not how it works. Promotion and marketing are especially important if you're published with a small press or self-published. The big publishers will do more to promote your books, but unless you're one of their best sellers, you can still be doing more.

You can always do more.

But, don't be obnoxious about it. That's your basic rule of thumb, I think. Like anything, promotion is good in reasonable quantities. If you overdo it, people will want to hit you. Trust me, I will.

I love Twitter. I think it's a fabulous way to connect with people, see what people are up to, and it's especially great in the writer community. But there are inevitably those people who sign up for an account and then spam-blast their 2 followers every hour on the hour with promotional tweets. Uh, no. That's not why ANYONE followed you. Same goes for Facebook. The people who follow you or like you or are friends with you are there because they're interested in you. In your books too, sure, but you as a person more. So go ahead and promote yourself on Twitter or Facebook or other social networking sites, but don't let that be the only thing you do.

Be personal, let people into your life a little bit. I'm not saying show them pictures of where you sleep, but let them get to know you. Whether that's funny stories about how your writing was going, typos that made you giggle, or whatever, but don't make it all promotion. Because I (and most of the rest of the universe) are likely to unfollow you as fast as possible and possibly report you for spam.

Most people seem to have gotten the hang of social networking these days, fortunately. But word to the wise, real life is like that too. (What? Life is like the internet? No way! It's true. Fewer cats, probably. I digress). Asking your friends and family to buy your book is great. Please do not badger them about it. People have a variety of reasons for not being able to purchase a book. I'm pretty sure your Uncle George is not the reason you didn't make it on the New York Times bestseller list.

There you have it. Promote, but not too much. Just don't be obnoxious.

Words to live by  :)

Skye

Can you believe it's almost December?

Woah. I can barely grasp the concept that it's fall, much less that tomorrow will be December. This year has flown by. I have a few things to chat about today:

First, it's the last day of NaNoWriMo - how did everyone do? I just finished my 50,000 with just a few hours to spare. I'd like to blame getting sick in the last couple of days for being so right up against the deadline, but really, I didn't get too far from the daily word count to ever really pull ahead of the game this year. Anyone else power through it and come out a winner? If not, don't worry too much. There's always next November. Or April, if you want to do a screenplay!

Second, were you aware of the fact that our very own Gothic Goddess, Dina James, is turning 35 this weekend? I already sent her a present, but if you want to get in on the fun, go to her online birthday party. Skyla's bringing cute boys. Okay, just one, but that's enough, right?  For details, go here:  #evilcake35

Third, I'm sick. I think I mentioned that already, but with my brain slowly dribbling out my nose, it's hard to be sure what's' real and what's a weird fever dream. I always have the weirdest dreams when I'm sick. I'd like to think illness could be excellent fodder for my writing, but in reality, I often dream about work stuff and wake up stressed out that the family trust is going to accidentally disinherit a child and oh my god... Yeah, my brain sucks. Give it some free time and instead of brainstorming, it makes me dream horrible dreams about my lawyer job. BORING!

Fourth, it's almost December!  I know I said I can't believe it's almost here, but it's true. I can't. That doesn't mean I'm not excited! This year was kind of crappy (remember my whole husband-has-cancer thing? yeah, that blew. but he's better now!) and I'm ready for a fresh start. Also, I love cold weather and theoretically, winter is the time to bring that. Unfortunately, I live in the central coast of California, so winter here often looks like mid-70s weather. Bring on the snow!

And finally, fifth. Something about writing. Oh yes, I remember. Now that you've plunked down your 50,000 hard-won words for NaNoWriMo, please, please, PLEASE, do not start submitting those words willy-nilly to editors and agents. Make December National Novel Editing Month and they'll love you that much more. Editors and agents really don't want your semi-coherent, very short novel in their inboxes started December 1. Trust me.

So take your time, read through your new novel. Get someone else to read it. Edit it. Read it again. Edit it again. And then, only then, should you consider submitting it.

Congratulations to all those who won NaNoWriMo and congratulations to all those who tried and didn't make it. For the rest of you, congratulations on making it to December!

It's Not Personal, It's Business

Dina here.

I'm going to expand on my previous post and talk about rejection.

It happens to EVERY WRITER. Every single writer gets a rejection letter for something at some point. Your favorite author? Rejected. Someone you know whose work is utterly brilliant and you can't in a million years see how they could ever be rejected? Yep, them too.

Even people who are already repped get rejections for some of their new ideas, so don't go thinking that once you're accepted by an agent everything is going to be fine and dandy and you'll never have to deal with rejection again. From bestselling novelists to not-yet-pubbed writers, rejection happens to everyone.

And you know what? To paraphrase The Godfather, "it's not personal, it's business."

The vast majority (and I'm talking like 99.8% here) of rejection letters aren't personal. Again, if you've made a complete ass out of yourself or are known to be a complete stalker jerkwad, there might be a bit of "personal" thrown into your rejection, but that's on you. You earned that. The rest of the time, though?

Strictly business. (We're not going to talk here about shit that should have been rejected outright/never have seen the light of day and was accepted instead of your shit. That's a blog post for another time.)

It's hard not to take it personally. Believe me, I know the feeling well. It's hard not to get discouraged. But take a long, hard look at your letter(s). If they're anything like "thank you but it's not right for me/my catalogue/etc." or "I don't believe I'm the best person to represent this" or "I didn't fall in love with this" or "I have to be very careful about the projects I take on and this just doesn't fit," here's a hint. These are FORM REJECTIONS.

Now, if your letter says something specific like, "I couldn't connect with the main character" or "I didn't understand _______" or "I love your voice and your concept but _______," these are generally personalized rejections. Now, "personalized" does not mean the rejection is personal. It means it was written specifically FOR you, not ABOUT you. That's the difference here.

A rejection letter is rejecting your WORK, not you as a person, and that's really what you have to keep in mind. I've read several blog posts lately from wannabe writers crying (angrily in some cases!) about how they've been rejected so many times and no one loves them and and and….

As I said before, if you've gotten more than 10 rejections, you might want to look to a few things. You don't just keep querying with your work thinking all is well. READ your rejections carefully. Form rejection? Okay. Suck, but okay. Try someone else until you hit double-digits. Once you hit double-digits, try revamping things. Your query letter, your work, your choice of agent…there's lots of things you can tinker with. Quick refresher from my previous post:

a)      the letter itself – it may not be effectively communicating your premise

b)     the project  - it may not be suitable for the house/agent you're querying

c)      your approach – there are reasons for submission guidelines. Follow them.

If it's a personalized rejection, PAY ATTENTION to what they say. If they say your voice needs work, study up and revise. If they say your pacing is slow, revise. If they say your concept is played out, revise (or trunk, or resub to someone else).

Upon rejection, allow yourself a day to mourn. It's a traumatic experience, form rejection or no. Do NOT post an angry rant NAMING THE AGENT on your blog. Do NOT upload your opus angrily to Createspace in an effort to "show them" (hint: they're not going to notice or care, I promise you).

Notice the part about anger up there. Yeah, rejection sucks. It always hurts no matter how gently it's done, and it's hard not to be angry about that. But SUCK IT UP and TRY HARDER. Try again.

Or don't. I mean, the less you try, the bigger chance someone else has to be accepted.