Happy Birthday, Mama Bitchstress!

Today is a very special day for the Evil League of Evil Writers.

Besides our founding anniversary, the anniversary of our beloved co-founder's birth is one of the ELEW's High Holy Days.

You think I'm joking, but I'm not. We don't joke here at the ELEW. If we're laughing, you should probably be running.

I looked at last year's post to make sure I didn't repeat myself with this year's acknowledgement, and found that I could pretty much say exactly the same thing, only with a few changes to the amount of money our Bitchstress Dreamkiller has raised for charity this year.

Our anniversary month (April) this year was dedicated to one of our own. Senior Pie Coordinator and Clubhouse Keeper's husband had a serious accident involving a chainsaw fought off a grizzly bear and racked up some absolutely hellacious medical bills (and I'm not talking the fun kind of "hellacious" either). The ELEW stepped in, and, with the help of a metric shit-ton of people, made that bill GTFO.

You know who was the driving force behind that fundraiser? That's right. Skyla Dawn Cameron was the Indiegogo campaign leader. I (Gothic Goddess Dina James) was the co-pilot.

I'm not even going to count the other awesome stuff she does for charity in her total raised this year. It's over $12,000 with the Evil for Julie fundraiser alone. She also does stuff for cats (because she's a Crazy Cat Lady) and takes her beautiful dog Sophie to the hospital to visit inpatients, as Sophie is an official Trent Hill Therapy Dog. I'm pretty sure when things are totaled up, Skyla has raised somewhere in the neighborhood of $15,000 this year, and guess what?

This year ain't over yet.

Who knows what no-goodness she'll get up to the remaining three months? She'll probably invent time travel or cure cancer or get that "world domination" thing off the ground. Oops...did I say that out loud? Whatever she does, it will be awesome. And I don't mean that in the mundane way. I mean that in the evil way.

Our Bitchstress Dreamkiller isn't just an evil writer...she's a person whose awesome you should aspire to.

Happy birthday, Skyla!

Wherein Mama Bitchstress Puts You in the Corner and Makes You Think About What You've Done

I traumatized a few people on Twitter last night because I ran into something horrific and had to share the pain.

It was a book on Kindle (of course), self-published (of course), in which the author was arguing with negative reviews. The book in question--fiction, and romance (or possibly erotic romance at that)--was written in all caps.

All caps.

Yes, THOSE ALL CAPS.

Also, it was riddled with spelling errors (like "eys" for "eyes"), wrong word usage ("bare" for "bear"), had almost no paragraph breaks, and...did I mention it was IN ALL CAPS?

The author's defense of this is that a) she is a new author, b) these books are "in progress", c) they're written purely for enjoyment (although she is charging $2.99 a pop for them), d) she works at a pantry kitchen and some of the money made will be going to feed the homeless.

No. No. No. Annndddd...no.

Listen to Loki. He only wants what's best for you.

I bring this up because this is not an isolated incident. Talk to anyone and you'll hear stories of books being sold on Kindle that flat out say "this book is a draft/work in progress" and "I can't afford an editor" in the description.

Come. Come sit at my feet as I have something very important to tell you. Lean in close. I want you to remember this.

YOU DO NOT PUBLISH BOOKS THAT ARE NOT READY TO BE SOLD.

Readers should not be paying for the "privilege" to be your betas or your editors. "Writers" who do this are the reason we can't have nice things.

If I go to a restaurant and pay money for food, I don't expect to be given a plate of lumpy mashed potatoes and still-frozen vegetables with someone's spit in a glass in place of water because the chef is "still learning." If I pay money for a meal, I expect it to be, you know, COOKED and well-prepared.

If I pick up a movie I've paid money for, I don't expect to see the actors fubbing their lines, mics in the scene, and the director walking in the background, with everything over a blue screen and no special effects added. If I see a movie, I expect it to be, you know, FINISHED.

When you ask someone to shell out money for your product, you damn well need to be sure it's the best fucking product and worthy of that money. There are hundreds of thousands of books out there--readers have a lot of options. They pay our bills, they support this industry, and they deserve the very best.

KDP is not where you put something "purely for enjoyment". You put shit up on your website or blog if that's what it's for and don't charge money for it. KDP is not where you go to find beta readers. You go to online writer groups and try to find crit partners. KDP is not where you go to find an editor. You find online resources for self-publishers and hire someone.

"But Mama Bitchstress, I can't afford--"

Stop it.

If you CHOOSE to self-publish--and it is a choice, no one is holding a fucking gun to your head--then you spend the money to have someone edit the work and put out a decent cover (not slap some Papyrus text on a poorly sized stock photo you threw into MS Paint). If you're charging readers money for something, you damn well better give them something WORTHY of that money. If you cannot afford an editor, then don't self-publish. Period. Full stop. The end. We all know normal typos happen, especially in longer works, but three or four of those is a far cry from BOOKS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS WITH NO PARAGRAPH BREAKS OMG SOMEONE SHOOT ME.

If Mama Bitchstress catches you pulling this kind of shit, I am going to come in to your house and take your keyboard away and I won't give it back until you've had time to think about what you've done. If you argue, I am going to beat you to death with that keyboard, pull out a Ouija board, call your spirit up from hell--where people who self-publish without an editor go, and they have to read SLUSH, 24/7--to yell at you some more.

This isn't just about readers, though.

This is about you.

Presumably you want a career, yes? You want to be around ten years from now? Do you really want people to associate you with a book written in all caps?

Let me tell you, you will be judged on what you've written regardless of what stage you were at when you wrote it. I am. All the time. And I'm not even talking about something as absurd as I've mentioned above--I'm talking about books that aren't terribly written, and have been edited, and are still young. They're not as I'd write them now but I don't get to go back in time and alter scenes I wrote when I was a twenty-one-year-old kid. And neither will you.

Respect yourself. Respect readers. Don't be in such a fucking rush.

Also, readers, please stop buying books that admit to only being drafts or works in progress. Because even if you one-star and return it later, you're only encouraging these people.

@skyladawn Any book description that admits to being a draft.... should be like a trap. Anyone who buys it gets their Kindle taken away.
— Wendy Sparrow (@WendySparrow) November 11, 2013

Let's Dance!

[Okay this post is technically recycled, but the blog it was featured on is no longer around. So pretend its new.]

Come, sit around the campfire. I will tell you something I learned from a million years ago when I used to work in acquisitions (meaning, I read slush and sent rejection letters and hurt preshus feelsies).

Submissions is like dating.

Really, guys, stay with me here.

Submitting a book to a publisher is like asking someone to the prom. Your success is dependent on a number of factors, only a few of which you have real control over.

Would you walk into a room and ask out every person in there in the hopes of getting one to say yes? Um, you could, but that's not very effective. Everyone would see what you're doing.

This is why I advise people to customize their query letters, and not CC the submission to each and every publisher on their list at the same time. Yeah, sure, I know you're going to ask all those other people to the prom. But I'd sure like to feel like you at least know my name.

So now you're staring at this room of really pretty people. Okay, they're not all pretty. Some are ugly, but they'll be your back up choice. Do you just randomly ask them all out? Or do you wait and listen? Most are looking for a very particular kind of date, and if you spend some time around them, you'll learn what they want.

If you browse any publisher's catalogue, you'll learn what they're interested in. If you pay attention and follow agents on Twitter, you'll figure out pretty quickly what it is they like in a book, and what I don't. There's no big mystery. They often blog in detail about what makes them take certain books.

Now you've settled on a few possibilities for this prom date. You're both into the same things. You're exactly what they're looking for in a date, and they're totally hot. Now is when you run over and beg them to date you! Apologize for the fact that you live in a basement and have never dated before in your life, and don't bother combing your hair or anything.

Um, or you could clean yourself up and approach them respectfully.

First impressions count. You need simple cover letter, not long and rambly, that contains all the information they need to know about your submission. You don't need your life story in there. This isn't a discussion of marriage--this is a DATE, so to speak.

If someone you ask out says no...well, just tell her she's an idiot! You don't need her anyway! Like you even wanted to date her in the first place--ha! You'll just go...date yourself. That's the NEW way dating works--people just date themselves. Plus, she's kinda funny looking. You should tell her that too, and point out that other guy over there who's way hotter and just tell her that he's already accepted you anyway.

Or you could beg and plead. That'll work. Ask your friends to call her at all hours of the night and tell her what a GREAT prom date you'll make! Maybe if she just knew you better.

And you could ask her a bunch of times why she won't date you. Is it your hair? Your clothes? Is she not into your gender? Is it your breath? Oh, she must tell you why! And if she doesn't, maybe she just doesn't mean it. Maybe you should just tell her that you're going to the prom together no matter what.

Um...alternatively, you can thank her for your time and move on.

Listen, kids: no means no, and yes means yes. I've dealt with all of the above. None of it is attractive to a potential publisher, save the last point.

It sucks major hairy goat ass to be rejected. I know. So you go cry to your friends, then go out and do it all over again.

You're going to write another book someday (I hope, and if you're serious). So you may decide to query this publisher again. The rejection was definitely not personal. Don't burn your bridges. If you yell at everyone who rejected your first book--which, just maybe, wasn't the best thing you're ever going to write--do you really think they're going to take an unbiased look at your second?

Bridges. They are of the good. Don't set them on fire, or you'll have nowhere to go and you'll be dancing by yourself at the prom.

When you're dealing with a publisher, treat him or her like someone you want to date. Be respectful. Don't come on too strong. Present the invitation to the prom, but remember there are a lot of other people asking and don't take it personally if she declines your invitation.

Editing 101 with Mama Bitchstress: Mother, mother

Very, very quick lesson today, folks.

When do you capitalize "mother" or "father"? When DON'T you capitalize? Is it all just RANDOM?

No, it's not.

First, let's talk nouns. There are two types: proper and common.

Proper nouns are nouns that are names of things, basically. People's names, towns, cities, brands, etc. They're all officially and they think they're better than other words, so we capitalize the first letter of the word.

Common nouns are general nouns--non-specific, non-names. They are your basic, solid noun.

Example:

I'm a writer named Skyla, and I live in a small town called Campbellford.

Also, I will punch you if you randomly capitalize Writer and Author (outside of the title of a piece) because you look like a douchebag when you do.

Some nouns can be both proper and common, and no, "writer" still isn't one of them. Mom/mom and Dad/dad, however, are.

It becomes a proper noun when you're using it in place of a name.

Example:

My mom once asked a cute guy in the checkout line at the grocery store for sperm so she could have grandbabies.

I'm talking about my mother, I use "my" before mom, therefore it's a common noun. I'm not using "mom" to replace her name in that sentence. (If you're unclear, try substituting a name: "My Heather once asked a cute guy..." See? Doesn't make sense.)

Here is the proper noun example:

OMG, Mom, why the FUCK would you ask a total stranger for his sperm to impregnate your daughter??

Some of you get what I'm talking about.

Replacing "Mom" with "Heather" works in this sentence--it's a proper noun because it's replacing one. And that's how it works with Dad/dad. And obviously Mother/mother and Father/father.

It is very common to get these two mixed up--I see a lot of seasoned writers do it. But it's a quick fix, so there you go.

Your Social Networking Balance Sheet

I have a list of ELEW post topics as long as my arm (which is long; I'm an Amazon and have long arms, yo), high among them is getting back to Editing 101 with Mama Bitchstress and our fab discussion on rape culture in fiction.

But I got sidetracked this week.

Inspired in part by a post by our Bad Horse Lilith Saintcrow about how The Hard Sell Doesn't Work and a conversation with the Gothic Goddess, let's talk about social networking for a sec.

Message vs. noise.

I'm not even going to get into this; Monica Valentinelli had a recent post about that which sums it up: 

• If everybody’s shouting different things, then no one is heard.
• If everybody’s demanding a unique reaction, then no one will give them the one they want.
• If everybody’s screaming “Help me!” “Fix this!” “You owe me that!” — then no one gives.
• If you get bombarded with “Buy me!” “Review me!” “Share me!” from multiple people at the same time, then those acts turn into a chore and an obligation.
• If you’re fully vested in what people do for you, especially in a social media context, then you get upset by the actions other people take online, jumping to the worst sorts of conclusions.
• If everybody’s shouting, then they’re all competing. And that, my friends, can be very bad for the craft of writing and reading in general.

Anyone who spends any amount of time on Twitter knows this: the more everyone is talking about their shit rather than engaging with other people, the more it turns into noise and the less of their message is heard.

Pretty simple. And for those who object and think they MUST advertise whatever is it they have for sale daily, or @ people directly on Twitter asking them to buy, please answer me this: how many books do you buy this way?

Me? I buy none that way. I tune it out. Much like when I’m trying to shop and people zoom in, pushing products on me, I walk away. And if your potential audience is tuning out, they are less likely to hear it when you have something important to say (like a NEW release). 

To quote Lili's post on how The Hard Sell Doesn't Work:

The hard sell is filling the airwaves with your self-promotion. It’s consistently talking over other people to get your idea heard. It’s bringing the discussion around to you and your work every time you open your big mouth. It’s being so “cool” you literally don’t care about anyone who doesn’t register on your celebrity radar. 

It’s annoying. And it will lose you so many friends and opportunities it’s not even funny.

Also consider this for a moment: if someone is, say, following you on Twitter...that wasn't an accident. They had to click a button to do so. This means they know who you are and, chances are, know already what you're selling. You don't need to remind them all the time.

How do you know if your message is lost among the noise? You do math.

Now, writers, don't you get all "Math is haaaarrddd!" Barbie on me. Not with the amount of time I know you spend analyzing your fucking Amazon ranking, daily word counts, and time spent procrastinating watching cat videos. You know simple math.

You get ONE promo tweet for every NINE tweets.

That's 10% of your tweets. Maximum.

Having trouble understanding why this matters? Tolerance for self-promotion varies but you need to always be aiming for the MINIMUM people will tolerate, not the maximum (unless you don't care if everyone labels you a spammer; if that's the case, have at it). And an easy way to think about it is to realize your non-promo tweets are currency.

Each time you tell someone to buy your book, you've just used up nine non-spam tweets. You "bought" that promo tweet. You want to stay in the black, not the red.

"But Mama Bitchstress, now we can't talk about ourselves? Does that mean no word count updates? No picture of my cats?"

It means vary what you talk about and make an effort to a) engage with those you follow (and if someone @'s you), and b) pay it forward and talk about other things.

Here are some suggestions.

1.     Reply to other people when they talk (DUH).

2.     Talk about other people's books you enjoy.

3.     Or share entertaining anecdotes about something.

4.     Promote important issues or charities (careful, this can turn into noise as well).

5.     Tell us what TV shows you enjoy.

6.     Solicit your followers' opinions on certain subjects.

7.     Mention the hobo midget living under the bridge in front of your building.

8.     Cupcakes.

See? You're interesting. You have a fulfilling, busy life full of awesome things you can talk about that don't involve the words "like my book on Kindle" or "see my latest review."

But the issue of currency usage with your tweets doesn't end there. Remember my post about Negative Nancy being Douchey McDouchealot? The same principle applies.

No one wants to listen to someone bitch constantly.

A healthy rant is great and no one has to be cheerful 24/7. I'm not saying that. But, once again, when you're talking publicly, it's a 9:1 ratio. It takes nine positive tweets to buy one negative one. (You should know this from getting reviews; negativity stays with you more than the positives, so you need a lot more positive to balance it out if you're constantly bitching about shit).

Your close friends and family can handle a little more negativity from you but those in the outer sphere of your acquaintance? The readers you’re trying to attract? They have far less patience. Yes, you suffer from whatever malady; yes, life is hard; yes, woe is you. Shut down the damn computer and take a walk and stop inflicting your negativity on your fans. It is not their job to reassure you nor are they your therapist.

Yes, you have to be yourself on social networks, but if you're a professional writer then be professional. 

Tweet, blog, Facebook, etc with care. Do the math. STAY IN THE BLACK.

Let "Show, Don't Tell" Be Your 2013 Mantra

It's standard writing advice, right? Show, Don't Tell? As a writer, you hear those words so often, you probably want to pull your hair out and HERE is Mama Bitchstress saying them to you AGAIN, OMGWTFBBQ SKYLA??

As often the case, that which is true in writing also is in life.

I read this Cracked article the other day. Go check it out.

No really, I'll wait.

*two hours pass*

Right. I forgot to warn you Cracked is like a gateway to procrastination hell. (Second only to TV Tropes.)

Sorry.

Anyway, you'll notice in a lot of ways the article basically sounds like our Gothic Goddess giving advice, straight down to proclaiming the hippies as being wrong (those dirty, dirty hippies). But one of the things that stuck out to me was "What You Are Inside Only Matters Because of What It Makes You Do" on the second page.

Let this be the year you show what you are instead of tell.

If you are a writer, stop telling people this. Just stop. Stop and do. Spend a week loosely tracking how many hours a day you spend talking about writing/telling people you're a writer vs the actual motherfucking writing you DO. The former should not be greater than the latter.

Notice I say "write" and not run out and throw your shit on Kindle. Publishing doesn't make you a writer; actually writing does. Honing your craft does.

Are you querying? I can't tell you how many fucking cover letters I've read where the writer assures me the book is really funny. Again, our advice for life: don't TELL ME you're funny, SHOW ME. Write a query letter showcasing your sense of humor.  This is not rocket science.

And yet it is, actually, or feels like it. In life it's very easy to say you're something when your actions say something else.

But here's the thing: Life is not a YA novel and you are not the secretly awesome, compassionate, funny but shy girl no one notices. The Hot Boy is not going to one day zero in on you and see The Real You and defy social expectation by hanging out with you because he just "knows" deep down your amazing, kind heart by just looking in your fabulous probably-violet-coloured eyes.

What you think happens.

What actually happens.

Someone isn't going to notice you in life and then take you to the prom because you're SO AWESOME INSIDE and live happily ever after.

You don't become a better writer without writing stuff. You are not going to get a publishing contract without submitting stuff and showing stuff like you're an entertaining storyteller. You are not going to successfully network and make friends in this industry unless YOU make YOURSELF someone that other people will want to hang out with.

Sit down and make a list of everything you think you are. All of the various attributes. Now...what have you backed up with actions in the last week? In the last month? Writers, have you written anything? If you're compassionate, have you actually done anything for anyone recently? If you consider yourself gracious, have you thanked people for things? If you believe you're a good friend, have you reached out to anyone lately? Have your actions shown that you are the various things you think you are?

Because I can tell you, the world at large doesn't give a fuck who you think you are inside; what matters is what you do, how you interact, and what you contribute.

Don't answer the questions above. Don't think. Don't tell me. Simply do. Make this the year that you decide to show who and what you are instead of just tell people.

And be sure to make your actions evil.

Happy 2013: The Year of Eviltry. Now do the work.

Editing 101 with Mama Bitchstress: Punctuation and Dialogue

So the last post was theory, and what you should be keeping in mind when revising and editing. This one is practical and it's more of a baby writer lesson.

When I worked slush, it was one of those basic, writing 101 one things that would make me close the doc immediately as it screamed "newbie": incorrect punctuation used within dialogue.

Right: "I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die," she said.

Wrong: "I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die." She said.

If you're following up dialogue with a speech tag, you end with a comma, close quote, and not with a period; your tag then is a continuation of the sentence and doesn't start with a capital.

Note I said speech tag and not body language. Speech tags include: said, asked, replied, told, screamed, whispered, etc.

Generally speaking, it's not a particularly good idea to use superfluous tags--anything beyond "said" or "asked"--but that's a post for another day.

This is different from body language.

Right: "I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die." She grinned.

Wrong: "I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die," she grinned.

You don't grin words, folks, you say them. On occasion I see laughed and sighed used in this way; if you chose to, at most it should be a one word kind of thing as it's very difficult to sigh or laugh an entire line of dialogue; I personally always treat those as body language and not a speech tag for the sake of clarity.

You can, however, interrupt dialogue with body language, and in that case you treat it as once sentence.

Right: "I once shot a man in Reno," she gazed at the gun, "just to watch him die."

Wrong: "I once shot a man in Reno," she gazed at the gun. "Just to watch him die."

What about other punctuation?

Question marks and exclamation points are treated thusly...

Right: "Have you ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?" he asked.

Right: "Have you ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?" He eyed the gun.

Same rule with exclamation marks, but for now, take them out of your book--you have too many, I promise. You don't need them. I'm not giving them back to you until later. We'll discuss it after supper.

If you want to go further, in most instances you can get rid of your speech tags all together; body language will suffice.  But we can talk about that in detail another time.

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photo credit: Alex Abian (Also on flickr.com/alexabian) via photopin cc

Editing 101 with Mama Bitchstress: Scribe vs Messenger

As I said (warned?) last post, I'm going to do a collection of editing-related posts since editing's part of my day job and it's kinda important and stuff for writers to know. Some posts will be practical, nuts and bolts type things. Some will be theory.

This is the latter. In fact, it's the principle behind all of editing, IMO.

One of the things I most hear writers say (myself included) is how characters run away with the story; I personally have described my writing process as excavation more than creation. When you're delivering that first draft in particular, it's natural--normal, I think--to feel you are a reporter or a scribe, following the characters wherever they lead, barely seeing ahead of you like the headlights of a car unable to permeate the dark, foggy road on which you drive.

The problem comes afterward when this is used as an excuse for any criticism: "That's just the way my characters are/I didn't control where the story went/etc."

It is fine to be a scribe for the first draft, but afterward your role shifts to that of messenger.

Before you can revise, before you can get critiques or edits, you need to know what you are trying to convey.

You need to know what motivations drive all characters, not just your POV ones. You need to know how you want your reader to feel about the world, the people who populate it, and the things they go through, and this is true for all aspects of the story. Your job is to communicate with the reader.

This is why grammar and spelling are important: following the "rules" doesn't make you less of an artist, it makes you more effective at communicating. Giving your work structure doesn't lessen the artistic merit of the work, it makes the story more palatable for the reader. Ensuring your heroine's sympathetic qualities are clear on the page isn't changing your character, it's making the reader root for her the way you do. Cutting (or adding) scenes for pacing isn't murdering your baby, it's to keep the reader engaged.

I can't tell you how many times over the years I have seen writers refuse changes requested for clarity's sake because they insist the characters are just behaving the way they do and they don't really know why, and that scene must stay there although it advances nothing, because they are ARTISTES! DAMN IT! Like somehow delving in and knowing what it is you're trying to communicate lessens the magic of storytelling.

Sometimes it's laziness, but other times I genuinely think writers believe this: that crafting, during revision, and taking things apart to ensure they're put together right kills the soul of the work. But it does quite the opposite, and while you can certainly over-revise (more another day), what normal revision does is allows the reader to see the soul as you do.

Otherwise this story that you have worked so damn hard on is just a big, shapeless lump that isn't pretty and that people can't understand--you have to speak for it, and you have to do it effectively.

Like the Log Lady in Twin Peaks.

Because that is your job when you're in it for publication. Readers pay your bills; readers drive the industry. And they don't live in your head, they don't know what you know, and your ability to communicate with them is just as important as the story you are telling.

So your first step with whatever your revising is to break it down scene by scene, character arc by character arc, sentence by sentence, word by word, and ask yourself, "What am I trying to communicate here?"

If you don't know, I'd suggest taking a long walk just thinking about the story or talking it out with someone because you can't go any further.

If you do know...now the real work starts.

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photo credit: hippydream [is busy] via photopin cc