Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Julie Butcher

So I‘ve been around publishing for a while. There have been people who should have known better than to do what they did, but went ahead and let their stupid fall out all over everything. Since you are beginning evil writers, I’ll list out the things and then you do not do them. If you go ahead and act like a mental midget, it’s your problem. I won’t try and save you. I’ll just wave good-bye and leave you in the pit that you dug for yourself.

1.      Fire off a nasty email in reply to a rejection letter.

You can print it out and stomp on it. You can yell in your house. You can eat ice cream and cake and watch sappy movies and cry. There are a million things you can do instead of snapping out a rude and angry reply. Out there in publishing land, they send tons of those emails. They are not an insult to you. They are a reply to your query. If you don’t snap, that particular door is still open. Later you can send another manuscript. When you snarl and curse and bite, that door shuts forever. There are a limited number of doors. Don’t be stupid.

2.      Reply negatively to a review.

Everyone gets bad reviews. If you don’t believe this fact then go and look at the top authors on Amazon. They have one star reviews. Totally you are allowed to feel badly. You can cry. You can put that reviewer’s picture on your wall and throw darts if you like. What you absolutely cannot do is to go online and refute what they posted. My suggestion is not to read reviews period. Then you are not temped to get in a cat-fight in the comments, or to fire off another terrible email which can be copy pasted and shown to the world. For goodness sake keep your dignity. No one wants to work with a toddler who throws tantrums whenever they don’t get their way. People are allowed to have an opinion—even people who don’t like your book.

3.      Insult other publishing professionals.

If you are trying to be published (or if you are already there) and you disparage any other publishing professional you are shooting yourself in the foot. Do not moan about how long Agent X is taking to reply to your query. Don’t insult other people’s books—like writing scathing reviews online or elsewhere. Don’t gripe about your editor or agent. Use some common sense. Publishing as a whole may seem enormous. It isn’t. Everyone eventually knows everyone else. Yes, this is an eclectic bunch. Yes, you won’t like some of them—too bad. Put on your big kid pants and act like a grown up.

Most of this should be common sense and good manners people. Don’t make it harder than it is.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Long Does Publishing Take

Baby Evil Writers 101: How long does it take to get published?

Julie Butcher

Write a million words.

So you see my sweet evil babies, it all depends on you. If you wrote one thousand words a day, every day. Then, in one thousand days, you would have your million words. But even the most fervent writer doesn’t work each and every day. The evil children must be fed and if you miss the evil queen mother’s birthday—you’re toast.

So let’s assume that you do not write for two days of the week and that you do write for five days. (Like a real job) Now you’re down to twenty-two days per month or 264 days per year and this doesn’t count holidays. Let’s take away twenty days for holidays and making dinners and birthdays and blowing up stuff on appropriate holidays. Now we have 244 days per year.

“Oh!” You say. “That is 244,000 words or around three manuscripts.”

Not so much. You’ll spend twice the time editing that you do writing—if you do it correctly. It will take a lot longer because you are new at evil. After a few books you’ll only use one day to edit for every day you write. Eventually, you won’t have to edit hardly anything because you learned all of the things. But now, that takes away from your actual working time so you’ll have one book to edit and I’ll be generous and say that your book is 100,000 words.

There’s one tenth of what you need to be awesome. Ten years until awesome hits the shelves.

Unfortunately, most of us are not quick learners. All of your words need to be filled with evil and wonder. Each word needs to further the plot of your book. Add two or three years to learn to plot without holes and to write concise sentences. (At 1.000 words per day it will take that long.)

Now we’re at twelve years if you write 1,000 words five days each week.

So put on your big kid pants, put your butt in the chair, and write. Dreaming about writing will not get you there. Stalking agents and editors on twitter will not make you one word closer. The one and only thing that will make your journey faster is to write.

Baby Evil Writers 101: There Is No Muse

Baby Evil Writers 101: There is no Muse

Julie Butcher

If one more person tells me they didn’t write today because the muse is gone on vacation I’m going to smack them hard.

There is no muse. Let me repeat myself, there is no muse.

The only thing there is, is to put your butt in the chair and open the document and think about the story until the words hit your fingers. There is self-control. There is hard work. There is stubbornness. There is a brilliant mind that wants to fritter away time on twitter and facebook and favorite TV shows. There is not, however, a freaking fairy that bops you on the head until they make a hole and shove a story into your brain.

Stress saps creativity. Hunger sucks main characters dry. Illness makes your story about bodily fluids which is nasty. But the straight truth is that you are your own muse and that if you don’t take care of yourself and eat and drink and sleep—you won’t write.

Quit making excuses that are the equivalent of telling a cop that you weren’t speeding, the car was going too fast because and invisible Bigfoot had his hairy appendage on the gas pedal. Listen to me, we both don’t believe you. Not one little tiny bit.

If you believe yourself about the muse thing then you are in big trouble. Also you should probably seek professional help.

I know people who were going through horrible experiences in their lives and yet still managed to write and publish a story. If you want to be paid money, then it is a job and sometimes jobs are hard WORK. If it were all fun and games then you would get no money and it would be called PLAY.

We don’t believe in a muse. We believe in work. If you want to keep fooling yourself, then go away from me. When I don’t write it is because I am stressed or lazy or sick. There is no invisible force stopping my fingers. There is only me, on the couch watching television. Sometimes there is me, working in the garden. But you know what? I know what I’m doing. I don’t blame others for me being lazy or evasive.

Suck it up people. Be honest with yourself, and get your butt in the chair.

Baby Evil Writers 101: About Research

Baby Evil Writers 101: Research

Julie Butcher

I’m sure that all of you baby evil geniuses have heard the importance of doing your research. You’ve heard horror stories about how published authors have been lambasted in public because of some little detail they had gotten wrong in their story. They get emails and people leave reviews trying to publically embarrass and humiliate the writer.

I have met writers who have gotten so deep into research that they have still been writing the same book twenty years later. Research is a deep pit that turns into an escape from what you really need to do—write. You can trick yourself into feeling productive by finding out what herb they used on lamb in Scotland in 1354. In reality, this tidbit isn’t important to the story. What the characters are doing and talking about during the meal is important.

Just write the story. Mark in red the things that you are not sure of and MOVE ALONG. You can google anytime. When in doubt, absolutely do not spend hours and hours and days trying to verify a fact. That is the time for a vague description.

Instead of saying:

He held a Sig Sauer P227 Carry Nitron. Its matte black handle fit perfectly in his hand. The 14 Round extended magazine had enough ammunition to take me down before I’d run a block. That was too much death for a seven inch weapon.

Say:

He had a gun—matte black and lethal. Adrenaline made the skin on my face feel tight, and my legs twitched with the need to run. I wasn’t ready to die.

Because no matter how much research you do, someone out there actually has a Sig Sauer P227. If you describe it perfectly, they’ll catch you on having the shell casing flying out the wrong way. Granted, that took me maybe ten minutes of research but the thing is it does not matter. There is a gun. Guns kill people. Your character thought he/she was going to die. It really is not important what kind of gun he had. The emotions generated by the sight of any gun will send adrenaline to limbs and cause a heart to beat faster.

Don’t get stuck in the details. Get deeper into the emotions. Every ten or twenty or thirty minutes of research are words that are never put onto a page.

Also it is a lame excuse to not write.

Baby Evil Writers 101::Critiques

Baby Writers 101: Critiques

Julie Butcher

You can write until the cows come home but you won’t get professionally published without critique partners. There I said it. Lately it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who claim to want to be professional and yet will not put their writing out there for comments. You guys have a lot of excuses not to have critique partners and editors and I’m going to debunk them one by one.

1.      I’m afraid that someone will steal my idea.

Seriously? You can give thirty writers the same premise and they’ll come up with thirty different stories. Not one of them will be your story. If this doesn’t give you peace of mind, the fact that your work has a copyright the very second you put your words on a document should settle you down. (Okay it does not have a copyright because it is in your head so there’s another reason to put your butt in the chair and write.)

There are no new stories. Every bit and piece has been written somewhere in time. You really need to chillax and get some constructive criticism of your work or you might as well quit right now and keep your secret storyline in your head. It will never be good enough because fresh eyes can see what you cannot. Your mind tricks you into believing that what is in your head is also on the page and that is a lie.

2.      This story is my baby and it will break my heart if people don’t love it. (whine-whine)

They won’t. At least not until you have the critiques and fix all of the plot holes and purple prose. Even then only a small percentage will love your work. Even New York Times bestselling authors have a limited supply of fans. Award winning doesn’t mean that every single person on the planet loves their stuff. Go and look. Even the huge names have horrible reviews. Get used to it because if you want to be a professional, you’ll have to suck it up and smile. The only people who are important are the ones who do love and support you.

Also unless you pulled that manuscript out of a private area of your body IT IS NOT A BABY. It is a manuscript, a story, a book. Get a grip people the pages are not sentient. Also the next time I hear someone say this I am going to smack them in the head because they are on my last nerve.

3.      Even if I get a critique I don’t trust that person. I can’t get rid of Character X, I just can’t!

Sometimes critiques are stupid. Sometimes they are downright mean. Sometimes they are worthless. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. If you have four beta readers and three of them hit a certain spot and go, “Oh, heck no!” then you should listen. Never limit yourself to one critique from other writers.  

Eventually you’ll find a group of other writers that get you, and you get their work, too. You might go through a hundred people to find four. Do not give up. There are knowledgeable people out there. You’ll find that although some writers are at a newer level than you, they still can point out plot holes and make valid points. In return, when you return the favor and critique for them, you get reminded not to make those newbie mistakes. I’ve learned more from critiquing for others than I ever would have on my own.

You absolutely must put yourself out there. Even if it feels like people are hating on you. When you get a critique back, and want to scream or yell or lash out via email, stop. Wait a day or two or three and think about it. Whoever read for you gave you their valuable time and experience. They gave up having dinner with their family or their favorite television shows. They gave up hugging their children to help you so don’t be a butthead.

Then thank them for helping you and go and fix your story.

Stopping to Re-fuel

We talk a lot about the myth of writer's block, that if you want to be a writer, then you write. Sometimes, the words flow easily and sometimes you work at it, but not buying into any sort of rubbish about blocks and elusive muses goes a long way toward keeping a solid work ethic. It also gets the books done. 

But tapping into that well of creativity with such force and frequency, can still have side effects. Whether all our ideas branch from three inevitable conflicts, (man v somebody) or whether we reach into the collective unconscious to spawn our ideas, or pluck them unceremoniously from our navel, they still have a source, and that source can get  a little dry from time to time. 

Recently, the flow of creativity from my little wellspring, slowed dramatically. It went from a flood to a trickle to a big old dust bowl in no time flat. 

To be fair, I still had a lot of ideas. I just didn't really have the energy to write them. I poked and prodded at the words, but my output was pathetic at best. Oddly enough, all kinds of other creative endeavors sprang to mind. Weaving, painting, singing Opera (very badly) everything I wanted to do was  art, but it was nothing to do with the art that was on my to-do list. 

I was out of gas. It wasn't writer's block at all. I'd just forgotten to refuel. I'd spent more than I took in, and my engine stalled.

Then a friend brought me a copy of a book that I've been dying to read. I couldn't resist it. It was written by my all time favorite author, Christopher Moore, and it was about my favorite topic to boot. I realized, as I cracked the book and sank into one of my favorite wordsmith's worlds, that I missed reading. In all my rush to make stories, I'd forgotten to read them....again. 

You have to read. 

So I devoured, Sacre Bleu, and then I kept going. I read two more books, three more. I devoured all the things that had been waiting for me to have time to read them. I fell in love with other people's stories again, an so I remembered why I wanted to write in the first place. The wellspring, not surprisingly, filled up again. Almost by magic. 

I didn't have to fight writer's block, because it went away. I didn't have to force myself to write because I wanted to again. The tank was full. 

I know we're supposed to read to learn our genre, to study story theory and structure and the things that are happening in fiction around us, but if you ask me, a better reason, (certainly, a more fun reason) is just to remember how much you like it. It felt like a vacation, reading, and dang it, we all deserve vacations. 

That's something writers tend to forget too. I know, I usually see ANY free time as a great chance to work. Next time, just maybe, I'll remember reading a good book (or four) is a nice alternative. 

Baby Evil Writers 101: Don't Do This to Me Ever

Baby Evil Writers 101
Julie Butcher

So I've been doing a lot of reading for writers lately and some of the openings make me want to go and find the writer and smack them hard in the face.

Your opening is the very first time I get to meet your character and I really want to like them. I do. I’m quite sure that the lovely agents and editors want to love them. So let’s pretend that you are in a car and you've never met this person before. You’re going on a twelve hour drive with them. Just you and them. Now let’s pretend that you are telepathic and that you can read their mind.

Now go and read the first two pages of your manuscript. I’ll wait.

.

Did you have your character do or say or think any of the following things?

1.       I don’t want to be here.

2.       I hate her/him/it/them.

3.       I’m going to vomit/spit/pee/poop

4.       I need to use the bathroom.

5.       I’m bored.

6.       I’m tired.

7.       Life sucks.

8.       I wish I was dead.

9.       I wish you were dead.

10.   I want to kill them

11.   That anything or anyone is stupid. (Including themselves.)

12.   That anyone or anything is dumb, boring or gross.

13.   They want to have sex with something or someone.

Now I want you to pretend that this stranger character said all of the things that they thought and said directly to you. Do you want to be in the car with them for twelve hours? Because I probably won’t. 

What you’re asking the reader to do is to spend twelve hours with a virtual stranger. FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND WRONG IN THE WORLD do not do those things.

If you met someone at a cocktail party, and they threw up on your little black dress, would you stay around to get to know them?

I wouldn’t.

If they said any of the above things to you, a stranger, would you want to give them your precious time?

Nope.

All-righty then. Go and delete those pages and introduce your character in a way that shows us who they are inside. Give us a glimpse of the very best part of their soul. Make us want to know them better before we learn their weird preferences and nasty quirks.

No bodily fluids.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Rules
Julie Butcher

When I first started writing, I went to every single blog post and website to see if I was doing it wrong. The problem with this was that everyone said something different.

You can find rules all over the internet. Never use then, never use comma and then! Never use an adverb, or an adjective, or a noun. Oh my goodness go and cut every single word ending in –ly, or –ing! 

Oh my darling baby minions of evil, You must follow the rules.

Or maybe not.

I tried to follow all of the laws or rules or whatever you might call them. I went through an entire manuscript to take out *that* and *then*. And guess what? It totally made the writing stupid. The music and voice had leaked out with the giant holes.

Guess what else my darling evilettes? If your writing is compelling and your characters enthralling, you can break any rule you want.

The biggest and only rule you need for writing is to make each sentence count. Every single word should be necessary to carry your plot forward. Each sentence should be complete in itself. If you take a sentence out of context, it should still sound lovely and make sense.

To do this, try reading your story out loud. The stupid sentences will jump out at you. You'll sit and wonder what came out of your mouth. I swear it will help.

So quit googling the rules and spend the time making sure the words on the page mean what you want them to mean. Tell your story without bogging up your brain with too many laws of writing.

Because really, there aren't any.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Julie Butcher

So now that a few of you have off for the holidays, I'm sure your evil glee extends to sending queries! You have time, you have a computer. Your internet is working, so why not?

No. Because the agents are all like this—

And the editors are all like this—

I know this because I am a writer and I am all like this—

Even my kids are all like this—

And the dog—

And the cat—

Everyone is all like this—

So, wait until after the New Year, mkay?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part Two

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginnings Part Two

Julie Butcher

When you meet a new friend, and they’re nice to you, then you like them. In a book, we can only stand in the shadows and watch to see if we like a character. We notice what they do, how they treat others, how they speak, if they're an asshat—or not.

We judge them. With their actions and dialogue in only a few pages, we make a final decision if we want to spend time in their world. If you don’t believe me, go and people watch at the bookstore. Customers don’t skip to the middle, they look on the first page.

So this is why your beginning is the most important part of the story. If you can’t hook the reader, the rest of the book is a waste of your time. I content edit books for a lot of people and I’ve noticed a few things that happen often enough to be trends.

1.       The character is alone. Okay guys, when you’re at the park or the store and you’re say, waiting in a line. Do you watch someone quietly standing by themselves or do you watch a couple talking, or a boisterous family? Now, if you are watching the guy by himself and he’s talking to no one, do you want to hike yourself across the store for a visit with the crazy person? Of course you don’t. People who talk to themselves are dangerous—certainly more so that a couple or a family. If you wouldn’t go right into that book and talk to the character, don’t write it that way.

2.       The character is angry, or depressed, or just being a booger-head. We all have friends who have bad days and we have to deal with them and their problems because they are already our friends. If I meet someone and they’re glowering, and kicking puppies, and farting or whatever—the first thought in my head is absolutely not that I want to spend time with them. Oh heck no.

3.       The character is responding to someone else. Your main character should be the first one to speak. It is his story. He should be the one to steer the conversation boat. The first thing out of his mouth should be positive. (We like to meet positive people) His first action should be a tiny glimpse into his soul. Is he gallant? He can hold the door open for someone. Is he brave? He could chase a criminal or grab a child out of traffic. Is his family the most important thing in his life? He could call his mom to say hello. Yes, most of these things are kind of boring . But we need to see your main character as a likeable person before all of the terrible things happen to him. If we don’t like him, we could care less if he loses all his money or if he fails a test or if someone smashes his car.

4.       The character is looking in a mirror. We don’t need to know what he looks like, we need to know who he is, where he is, what he’s doing, and how he treats people. Don’t insult your reader by thinking that they’re so shallow that they’ll like someone because of their looks. How rude.

Right now don’t worry about the perfect first sentence. Let us meet your character for a page or two before the end of the world happens. Let us like him because that is important.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Be Thankful

Baby Evil Writers 101: Be Thankful
Julie Butcher

Thanksgiving Day means that even the most evil Americans should take a moment and count their blessings. My darling minions, you need to do so with your writing.

Celebrate the truthful critique partners in your life. Their criticism has made your prose bloom darkness. Hug the malcontents who jerk you from complacency and make you write more. Appreciate the editors and agents who gave their time to tell you that you need to be better.

Also, you should be especially thankful for pie.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part One

Baby Evil Writers 101:Beginings Part One

Julie Butcher

I think every writer I have ever met started their first manuscript with their character being alone. They’re in their house, or in the bed, or standing and waiting for a bus—but they are always alone. There is a logical reason for this. It’s way harder to imagine six people in a room, their actions and dialogue than it is one.

Sometimes this works my evil darlings but mostly it makes you work harder to make your protagonist likable. When we see people in real life, we judge them by their actions , and by how they interact with others. Let’s say you’re at a park. You see a toddler trip, scrape their knee, and start screaming bloody murder.

1.       The mother runs to comfort the child. She hugs him and sings.

2.       The mother runs, grabs up the child, and starts screaming for help, “Call 9-1-1!”

3.       The mother ignores the child and lets another mom take care of the toddler.

4.       The mom snatches a first aid kit from her purse, cleans and bandages the wound, but talks on her cell the whole time.

5.       The mother smacks the child and complains loudly about how much work this child is for her.

       

You would feel differently about the mother with each scenario. But the main point is that you would be judging her by how she reacts to her child’s injury. If a child wasn’t present, she’d just be sitting on a bench and thinking—boring.

Since we are human, and evil, we watch from the sidelines and judge others. This is what we all do. In sixty seconds we are judge, jury, and executioner. Everyone does this and they do it with your book. At most you get a page or two to interest the reader in your hero.

That isn’t much.

 Put your protagonist with someone else, show how he interacts with others. Otherwise, he is just like a picture on the wall—we know what he looks like but nothing about who he is inside.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Candy is like Stories

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Candy is Like Stories

Julie Butcher

It is almost Halloween minions. Rejoice! Now, not only do you have lovely costumed beasties running about the neighborhood to inspire you to greater heights of writing evil, you have CANDY!

Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar suuuuuuuuuuggggggaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I’ve been thinking a lot about candy lately. (Okay, I do anyway but especially now that it is time to trick or treat.) And what I’ve figured out is that the lovely evil that is candy is a lot like working on your manuscript.

“Pish-tosh,” you say? Well, I am evil, and I can hear you, and you should be very afraid right now. It is so like candy. The reason your words are like chocolaty goodness is that after too many, we begin to feel ill. That’s right, as sick as a dog. Baby evil writers tend to hammer a point so hard that it sticks out the other side of the manuscript.

Plot points are lovely things until they turn into a railroad spike that you drive through my head. Most generally, readers are a smart bunch of cookies. When the bad guy kicks a dog, we know he is bad. Your main character should know he’s bad. Your hero should immediately PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE FOR KICKING A DOG. We don’t need him to pontificate on why it is a terrible thing to hurt animals.

Unless your target reading group is high functioning sociopaths, they get it. Don’t kill the flow of your scenes by stopping to explain the motives behind punching a bad guy in the face. You do not have to justify your hero’s actions.

Another reason your words are candy is that too much of a good thing is always bad. We tend to like our hero. We want him to be happy.  This is lovely and boring. Torture your darlings my evil minions. Give them just a minute glimpse of happy before the next big bad comes and kicks them in the teeth.

You may get your candy now but he doesn’t get any until the end of the book.

Why Writers Really are Freaks of Nature

It's true. Just wait.

So, you see this cute little meme popping around every now and then that reads: "If writers are not writing, Then the are thinking about writing." Except more flowy and less like a math theorem. "If the hypotenuse is congruent to the..." whatever. I gave up math at graduation. The point is, it makes us sound like the saddest sacks in the galaxy. We laugh at it. We recognize the truth of it, but we hope most people think it's a big joke.

Well, it's not. We are freaks. Obsessed with our jobs to the point of illness. I have proof. The following story is probably too personal and will no doubt reveal the pathetic state of my life to the universe, but it's most likely way too late to prevent that anyway. You all had your suspicions.
Anyway...

I was up late not writing by talking about writing with my best friend on gmail chat. This is not terribly relevant, except to lay the groundwork. I had been writing, most of the day, and I would, possibly, write more at any second.
She was moaning about a short story she'd started that had decided to turn into a long story on her....again. Okay, she's a writer, and therefore also a freak. This sort of thing really gets us riled up. It's like a halftime at the super bowl when the home team is down by more than a field goal. Or someone's bra pops off.
Except we were fully dressed.

So next she informs me that I need to write a class on how to keep short stories short. (This was almost an insult. I mean, what is so thin about my plots that keeps hers nicely thick and juicy, right?) But the idea somehow lodges in my brain even though I skid nicely over it and change the subject. In my defense, my current WIP is sneaking up on 80 thousand words, thank you very much.

So we keep talking about writing, and then do some writing, punctuated by chatting about what we wrote. (freaks) Then I go to bed.

Somewhere around way-too-early in the morning I interrupt the nice dream I'm having about a dark and mysterious stranger to have this dream about myself teaching a class about how to write a short story and keep it short. I dream it. The stupid class. Complete with synopsis, outline, examples and lesson plan. Instead of the good, perfectly normal, non-therapy-requiring, ordinary dream.
Kill me.

It gets worse. I wake up at six am. SIX...AM. I get up, willingly. Okay, I don't. I crawl to the couch and try to go back to sleep, but the stupid dream is there, hissing at me. Write it down, write it....write it down, you FREAK or you'll lose it!

Its' not a joke. In fact, we might qualify for some sort of government funded...oh. Never mind.

~Frances

Baby Evil Writers 101: When to Query

Baby Evil Writers 101: When to Query

Julie Butcher

We’ve talked about a lot of things here my evil darlings but, we haven’t covered when to query your  evil manuscript of doom. I made the mistake of querying too soon and suffered (and rightly so) the hordes of rejection letters and pangs of baby evil writer growth spurts.

I don’t want that for you, my malevolent dears. So I have  a baby evil check list for you before you send your firstborn into the world.

1.       You have a completed manuscript. It can’t be part, it can’t be almost. You must have finished the entire thing. There isn’t an exception for this rule unless you write non-fiction. Not ever and not past ever.  So that would be NEVER.

2.       You have already started another story. Not the sequel to the first thing you wrote—a new story. I know you want to immediately go to the next book in your series. I know this and I did this. But sweet heathens, the market changes . What sells today won’t necessarily get you a book deal next week. I’m not trying to burst your lovely bubble but this is an industry fact. Start something different. The submission process takes months and even years. You need something new to keep you going when the rejections come in.

3.       You have sent this manuscript to a critique group, or to a professional editor with a good reputation, and you have made sweeping changes in the story and to the characters. If you haven’t done this. Stop thinking about submitting your manuscript to Agents and Editors. Stop right this minute! No one can write without a reader’s opinion. Even big name authors have beta-readers. You cannot count your family or your close non-writer friends in this tally.

4.       You have read your manuscript out loud at least three times. This is an important step for all true minions of evil. You catch mistakes like crazy-town and you will improve your work, guaranteed. Evil is as Evil does. Unless your friends, family, and the people at the coffee shop think you are insane, you’re not finished.

5.       You have put this manuscript aside for at least three months and worked on something else. Time may heal all puss-filled wounds but in addition, it gives you clearer eyes for your own work. Our minds are funny things, my dears, and absence makes them clearer and able to see the giant infested plot holes of doom.

6.       You have line-edited your work for punctuation errors or sent your work to a line editor to be corrected. Some editors and agents can see past where the comma fairy pooped all over your work. Others run screaming into the dark to nurse the migraine your manuscript caused. Probably blinding pain will not get you representation or a book deal.

7.       You have mentally prepared yourself for rejection and have physically stocked your lair with chocolate, liquor, or whatever items help you to conquer despair.

8.       You have researched agents and editors to make sure they not only represent the genre you write, but are open to and accepting unsolicited queries. Personally, I tend to remember the names of people who defy my wishes right to my virtual face. Don’t be that person.

9.       You have spent more than a week perfecting your query letter and have gotten awesome reviews on it from your beta readers.

10.   You have scourged the idea of self-publishing if you haven’t sold within a few months from your psyche. I will take my ball and go home or find someone else to play with doesn’t cut it in this industry. True evil lasts forever. You have to be ready for the long haul. Sure, lightning can strike. But how many times have you personally been hit?

That’s what I thought.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Evil is as Evil does

Baby Evil Writers 101: Evil is as Evil does

Julie Butcher

Face front Baby Evil Minions and give me your attention.

Begins rant

I know that all of you evil trainees are putting your worst foot forward. You have conquered the malevolence that is facebook. You’ve stalked agents and editors with the sneaky and quiet feet of seasoned cat burglars on twitter. You chat with other writers and industry professionals, and post all of the things, online, forever.

Once you’ve put your words and feelings on the ether that is the wicked internet—IT NEVER GOES AWAY.

Vicious is not evil. Malevolent tweets against other people/sexual orientations/races are not evil. Do not let your fingers run away on the keyboard and let all of your stupid fall out. Whining especially is not evil. If I see one more tweet about how horrible writing a query is, I will come for you in the night—with a sword—and it won’t be pretty.

Queries are a necessary evil, so is writing a synopsis. If you are truly following in our wicked footsteps, SUCK IT UP AND SOLDIER ON. Those things are evil and therefore belong to us. We embrace the evil.

You are not allowed to whine in public. There is messaging on facebook and direct messaging on twitter. Use those to have a pity-party with your friends. Make your family miserable instead of the entire world. Did you ever see Frankenstein’s Monster gripe about those awful, heavy shoes? Did Dracula complain about sleeping with dirt in his coffin? Ummm…let’s see…that would be a resounding NO.

Rejections are not a happy-shiny thing but they are necessary. What isn’t necessary is your moaning and groaning on social media. No one wants to work with a complainer. It is irritating. It is also permanently on the web forever. Do not jump off the roof and then complain that you broke your leg. OF COURSE YOU DID BECAUSE THAT WAS DUMB.

True evil is strong and silent. Not stupid.

Ends rant

Baby Evil Writers 101: Using Triggers to Write

Using Triggers to Write

Julie Butcher

How many times have you sat down to write and the glittery shininess of the internet  swept you away? (Kind of like Calgon-take-me-away, right?) It is oh, so easy to just pop onto twitter for a few seconds and end up staying for two or three hours. Then, you’ll only accept the gifts from the fun neighbor games on facebook, and not actually play. Then an hour later it’s time to tuck the kids in bed or do the dishes. Real life takes over and you have zilch wordage for the day.

There are several different things to use to get working. I use audio, visual, and space for prompts.

Audio:

When I begin a manuscript, I use one song where the beat and lyrics sing the story in my mind. I play it on repeat for the first several chapters—until I don’t really hear it anymore. Then, when it is finally time to write (remember, I have six kids) I play the song a couple of times and the story jumps back into my head. Even if I fall from grace and wander over to twitter or facebook, the song sticks the story into my brain. The downside of this method is that when you’re in the car and the song comes on the radio, you start getting story and you can’t write it down. (Very, very irritating)

Visual:

Make a story board or character sheets. (I already told you how to do that here.) Look at them before you begin writing. It really does help to make the characters full-fleshed. Then you won’t give them the wrong eye or hair color and they won’t use another character’s slang words. This saves on editing later

.

Space:

You need a place where you write. It needs to both be so familiar that it isn’t distracting and uncomfortable enough that you don’t fall asleep. It needs to be safe so that you don’t worry if people come in or out. Preferably, there needs to be a door you can lock or a ladder you can pull up. I’m lucky enough to have a clubhouse—with ferocious guard dogs and cannons and a moat. Okay, no dogs or ditches but I do have a clubhouse. You might have to make do with a locked bedroom door.

The thing is that by using prompts, you’ll save a few minutes, or hours. That’s a good thing, right?

The Ten Comandments of Query Letters

The Ten Commandments of Query Letters

Julie Butcher

1. Verily I say unto you, it is forbidden to mass query to Agents. Thou shalt not put many names and email addresses in the address line nor in the Carbon Copy nor in the Blind Carbon Copy. For each agent has a name.
2. And thou shalt personalize thy query to each agent with a name and each has a name.
3. Thou shalt put thy email address and thy street address and thy phone number on the query or thy children and thy children’s children shall rise up and call thee Stupid for missing an opportunity.
4. Thou shalt not send a query for an unedited manuscript even in the enthusiasm following Nano for thy name shall be Mud and thy query rejected verily.
5. Thou shalt respect the silence of Agents who have posted no response means no on their websites on pain of losing the opportunity to query to them forever and of taking the privilege from thy brothers.
6. Thou shalt go onto the internet to research agents and to follow their guidelines lest thy query be lost to the evil of spam folders.
7. Thou shalt keep thy query letter to one page for Agents have eyes and eyes can be broken.
8. Thou shalt only send a query letter to an agent who represents thy genre which has a name.
9. Thou shalt not hassle an agent about thy query on twitter or facebook or any social networking sites for they are there to be social. They are people and they have a name.
10. And on the seventh day if a rejection shall come, thou shalt rejoice for thy skin is thicker with each rejection and thou shalt need a thick skin when you have a name, for lo and verily there are reviewers.

This is a repost some of you might remember from the #amwriting website a year or so ago. I have the flu of doom. I'll make a pretty new post next time, mkay?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent #2

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent #2

Julie Butcher

Last time we talked about finding an agent, we decided that being a member of AAR was a good place to start. You can read that post here. But, there are tons of ways to research literary agents. Although AAR is a great place to start, other wonderful agents are out there just waiting to partner with you and bring out the best in your work.

Jennifer Laughran, a lovely agent and twitter friend, pointed this fact out to me. (You should follow her on twitter and read her blog.) 

From her blog:  Jennifer began her career in agenting after working as a long-time children's bookseller and buyer. She is also the founder of the extremely popular YA event series "Not Your Mother's Book Club". She joined Andrea Brown Literary Agency in 2007. Always on the lookout for sparkling YA and middle grade fiction with unusual and unforgettable characters and vivid settings, she is drawn to all kinds of books, whether realistic comedies or richly imagined magical adventures. However, the common thread in her favorite stories is an offbeat world-view. Jennifer adores simplicity, but she is not interested in the conventional, predictable, mechanical, gimmicky or ordinary. Jennifer loves funny books, thrilling books, romantic books, books that make her cry, and all-around un-put-downable books... and her true favorites are all of the above.

Now, since I know that Jennifer is an extremely successful literary agent (and awesome to boot) but not a member of AAR, we’re using her as an example on how to research to see if she is reputable.

The first thing you do is to go to Predators and Editors. Click on the agent and publishers link, and pick the first letter of the literary agent’s name. When I scrolled down, I found this.

Jennifer Etherton Literary Services: Not recommended. A literary agency.

Jennifer Flannery: A literary agent with Flannery Literary.

Jennifer Gates: $ An agent with Zachary Shuster Harmsworth.

Jennifer Jackson: $ AAR A literary agent (Literary, Adult) with Donald Maass Literary Agency.

Jennifer Jaeger: A literary agent with Andrea Brown Literary Agency.

Jennifer Joel: $ A literary agent with ICM.

Jennifer Laughran: A literary agent with Andrea Brown Literary Agency. <-SEE THIS IS GOOD

Clearly, there isn’t a *not recommended* warning next to her name. Predators and Editors keep on top of the scoundrels of publishing but they aren’t the be-all and end-all of your search. Next, look up her agency, Andrea Brown Literary Agency.

Andrea Barzvi: $ A literary agent with ICM.

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Andrea Brown Literary Agency, Inc.: $ Recommended. A literary agency. (Literary, Children's) Accepts queries through email only.  <-SEE THIS IS GREAT

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A recommended agency would not have a shyster as an agent. In publishing, reputation is everything. So right now we’re saying, “Hey, she looks awesome!” Hey there are still more ways that we can check on her reputation.

Next we head over to Absolute Write and check out the forums. Read what other writers say about the agent you’re researching. Here we find that Jennifer was a guest agent at the water cooler. She’s looking better and better. After this, we check her out on Publisher’s Marketplace.

If you have a membership at Publisher’s Marketplace ($20 a month) You can see what every deal reported says. If you can’t afford the fee, google Jennifer Laughran + publishers marketplace+ dealmaker and you can see page after page of registered sales.

Then you go and read her blog and check her twitter stream. You find articles where she is mentioned and check all of the boxes. THEN YOU QUERY.

Since I’ve done all of the research for you, you can query Jennifer here.

You need to research every single agent you query with at least this many steps. Got it?

Are We There Yet?

So many new authors rush. I know this because, of course, I did. Hurry, hurry, I finished a book finally. Send it out, out, out. I hope I learned my lesson on that count, but you know, I still get that jittery, anxious flutter to be submitting.
A few weeks ago I ran into something of the opposite problem, and it caught me by surprise. Considering that I'm a low on patience kind of gal, it hadn't really occurred to me that someone could have too much of the stuff.

I've been doing writer's workshops and also a lot of beta reads for friends and other authors that I've met. We have an active writer's group, and our goal is always on getting the work ready to go out. Out, into the wide, blue world where the readers live.

But at this last writer's workshop I had the pleasure of critting for gentlemen whose stories I've done a few times now, and who always entertains the shit out of me. He writes well. Sure, he has a few errors here and there and we always find something to critique...that's what crit groups are for. Still, I just assumed he was taking the feedback, applying it to the story, fixing it all up and sending it on its merry way...out, into the...you get it.

Except he's not. He's putting them aside and trying again. He asked me the oddest question too, and the thing is still nibbling away at me. He said, "when do you know you're ready to start subbing?"

My answer was terribly in-eloquent. I think I choked on my coffee and sputtered, "you're not subbing?!!"

He isn't, and despite my charming response, I don't think he has any plans to in the future. But....but...he's so good. Also, he's professional, polite, and cares about his craft. He is focused on improving and can take feedback.

And I have to ask myself, why is it that the authors you want to work with are hesitant and the ones who are rude, impatient and convinced of their own brilliance don't even question if the should be sending out their work? They send send send. But this person, who writes a brilliant tale, has a drawer full of stories I'd want people to read that will not get sent out because there were some comma glitches? Egad!

Now I feel like banging my head on desk. I want to inject him with confidence serum or something, but of course, I know he's not alone. I know intellectually that you have to believe in yourself enough and your story enough to jump off that cliff--and it's not easy (it shouldn't be). But the idea of that drawer of stories still haunts me.

Be brave, authors. Certainly be humble too, tread professionally and without a sense of entitlement, yes. Work on your craft. Read the how not to be a douchebag articles, etc. But please go forward! Save your stories, repair them, shine them up and SHARE them with the world.  Or try, at least. It cannot hurt to try.

It will hurt to find that drawer years later and wish you'd been a little braver. It hurts me now, just thinking about it. If you're getting the feedback (not from Mom, sorry) that you're stories are worth sharing...do them a favor and share them.

No lost stories. (putting that on a T-shirt or something)
~Frances