Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Julie Butcher

So I‘ve been around publishing for a while. There have been people who should have known better than to do what they did, but went ahead and let their stupid fall out all over everything. Since you are beginning evil writers, I’ll list out the things and then you do not do them. If you go ahead and act like a mental midget, it’s your problem. I won’t try and save you. I’ll just wave good-bye and leave you in the pit that you dug for yourself.

1.      Fire off a nasty email in reply to a rejection letter.

You can print it out and stomp on it. You can yell in your house. You can eat ice cream and cake and watch sappy movies and cry. There are a million things you can do instead of snapping out a rude and angry reply. Out there in publishing land, they send tons of those emails. They are not an insult to you. They are a reply to your query. If you don’t snap, that particular door is still open. Later you can send another manuscript. When you snarl and curse and bite, that door shuts forever. There are a limited number of doors. Don’t be stupid.

2.      Reply negatively to a review.

Everyone gets bad reviews. If you don’t believe this fact then go and look at the top authors on Amazon. They have one star reviews. Totally you are allowed to feel badly. You can cry. You can put that reviewer’s picture on your wall and throw darts if you like. What you absolutely cannot do is to go online and refute what they posted. My suggestion is not to read reviews period. Then you are not temped to get in a cat-fight in the comments, or to fire off another terrible email which can be copy pasted and shown to the world. For goodness sake keep your dignity. No one wants to work with a toddler who throws tantrums whenever they don’t get their way. People are allowed to have an opinion—even people who don’t like your book.

3.      Insult other publishing professionals.

If you are trying to be published (or if you are already there) and you disparage any other publishing professional you are shooting yourself in the foot. Do not moan about how long Agent X is taking to reply to your query. Don’t insult other people’s books—like writing scathing reviews online or elsewhere. Don’t gripe about your editor or agent. Use some common sense. Publishing as a whole may seem enormous. It isn’t. Everyone eventually knows everyone else. Yes, this is an eclectic bunch. Yes, you won’t like some of them—too bad. Put on your big kid pants and act like a grown up.

Most of this should be common sense and good manners people. Don’t make it harder than it is.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Long Does Publishing Take

Baby Evil Writers 101: How long does it take to get published?

Julie Butcher

Write a million words.

So you see my sweet evil babies, it all depends on you. If you wrote one thousand words a day, every day. Then, in one thousand days, you would have your million words. But even the most fervent writer doesn’t work each and every day. The evil children must be fed and if you miss the evil queen mother’s birthday—you’re toast.

So let’s assume that you do not write for two days of the week and that you do write for five days. (Like a real job) Now you’re down to twenty-two days per month or 264 days per year and this doesn’t count holidays. Let’s take away twenty days for holidays and making dinners and birthdays and blowing up stuff on appropriate holidays. Now we have 244 days per year.

“Oh!” You say. “That is 244,000 words or around three manuscripts.”

Not so much. You’ll spend twice the time editing that you do writing—if you do it correctly. It will take a lot longer because you are new at evil. After a few books you’ll only use one day to edit for every day you write. Eventually, you won’t have to edit hardly anything because you learned all of the things. But now, that takes away from your actual working time so you’ll have one book to edit and I’ll be generous and say that your book is 100,000 words.

There’s one tenth of what you need to be awesome. Ten years until awesome hits the shelves.

Unfortunately, most of us are not quick learners. All of your words need to be filled with evil and wonder. Each word needs to further the plot of your book. Add two or three years to learn to plot without holes and to write concise sentences. (At 1.000 words per day it will take that long.)

Now we’re at twelve years if you write 1,000 words five days each week.

So put on your big kid pants, put your butt in the chair, and write. Dreaming about writing will not get you there. Stalking agents and editors on twitter will not make you one word closer. The one and only thing that will make your journey faster is to write.

Baby Evil Writers 101::Critiques

Baby Writers 101: Critiques

Julie Butcher

You can write until the cows come home but you won’t get professionally published without critique partners. There I said it. Lately it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who claim to want to be professional and yet will not put their writing out there for comments. You guys have a lot of excuses not to have critique partners and editors and I’m going to debunk them one by one.

1.      I’m afraid that someone will steal my idea.

Seriously? You can give thirty writers the same premise and they’ll come up with thirty different stories. Not one of them will be your story. If this doesn’t give you peace of mind, the fact that your work has a copyright the very second you put your words on a document should settle you down. (Okay it does not have a copyright because it is in your head so there’s another reason to put your butt in the chair and write.)

There are no new stories. Every bit and piece has been written somewhere in time. You really need to chillax and get some constructive criticism of your work or you might as well quit right now and keep your secret storyline in your head. It will never be good enough because fresh eyes can see what you cannot. Your mind tricks you into believing that what is in your head is also on the page and that is a lie.

2.      This story is my baby and it will break my heart if people don’t love it. (whine-whine)

They won’t. At least not until you have the critiques and fix all of the plot holes and purple prose. Even then only a small percentage will love your work. Even New York Times bestselling authors have a limited supply of fans. Award winning doesn’t mean that every single person on the planet loves their stuff. Go and look. Even the huge names have horrible reviews. Get used to it because if you want to be a professional, you’ll have to suck it up and smile. The only people who are important are the ones who do love and support you.

Also unless you pulled that manuscript out of a private area of your body IT IS NOT A BABY. It is a manuscript, a story, a book. Get a grip people the pages are not sentient. Also the next time I hear someone say this I am going to smack them in the head because they are on my last nerve.

3.      Even if I get a critique I don’t trust that person. I can’t get rid of Character X, I just can’t!

Sometimes critiques are stupid. Sometimes they are downright mean. Sometimes they are worthless. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. If you have four beta readers and three of them hit a certain spot and go, “Oh, heck no!” then you should listen. Never limit yourself to one critique from other writers.  

Eventually you’ll find a group of other writers that get you, and you get their work, too. You might go through a hundred people to find four. Do not give up. There are knowledgeable people out there. You’ll find that although some writers are at a newer level than you, they still can point out plot holes and make valid points. In return, when you return the favor and critique for them, you get reminded not to make those newbie mistakes. I’ve learned more from critiquing for others than I ever would have on my own.

You absolutely must put yourself out there. Even if it feels like people are hating on you. When you get a critique back, and want to scream or yell or lash out via email, stop. Wait a day or two or three and think about it. Whoever read for you gave you their valuable time and experience. They gave up having dinner with their family or their favorite television shows. They gave up hugging their children to help you so don’t be a butthead.

Then thank them for helping you and go and fix your story.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Julie Butcher

I don’t think I’ve ever met a writer who doesn’t want to quit working, stay home and make their living from writing. Quitting the day job is the ultimate dream. The problem is making your dreams into reality. Those pesky children seem to want food every single day and then you need a roof, and electricity to run your laptop, and heat in the winter is a necessity and not a luxury. If this is a serious goal, you need to have a plan.

First of all, you have to sell some books. To live in a modicum of comfort, you need to have three books on the shelf for each and every member of your family. For most people this means that their career needs to be firmly established for ten years or more before they gain their freedom. During those ten years, you need to figure out some things.

1.      Where will the health insurance come from? If you are the working person who provides this necessity, you need to plan on paying for it yourself. It isn’t cheap. Unless you have a few hundred thousand dollars tucked away, this isn’t optional.

2.    Make a budget and learn to stick to it. An author gets paid twice yearly and that is a long time between paychecks. Ramen is good but it’s not that good. Also it will make you fat so there you go.

3.      Will any of your children be going to college when you plan to work at home? If so, add another book on the shelf for each child in college. Even scholarship students have expenses not covered by grants and loans

.

4.      Pay off anything you can before you quit working outside of the home. You get bonus points for no mortgage and a decent, paid-for car that won’t need immediate repairs.

5.      Include in your budget traveling expenses for conferences and conventions. You’ll need the exposure and unless you’re a big time author, you won’t get your plane tickets paid for you

.

6.      Don’t forget to set money aside for promotional items. Also don’t go nuts with these. It is kind of dumb to give away something that costs more than you make by selling a copy of your book.

Most of all you need to get into the habit of setting aside writing time each and every day and sticking to your schedule.  Working from home is still working. No work, no food. Easy-peasy.

Thrilling Heroics: ACHIEVED

The evil fundraiser for our own Julie Butcher concluded last night. The final total was...

$12 325!

You guys did that. All of it. Your donations and contributions, your tree-shaking, your signal boosting. You did that.

On behalf of the ELEW, thank you so much for all you've done for Julie and Dances with Chainsaws. That support is just tremendous and will go a long way to help them with medical bills.

Of course, things aren't over yet. There are one hundred and thirty odd supporters owed perks, and I promise we're on top of that. Over the coming week, Dina and I will be in touch with everyone, coordinating perk-providers with addresses. We appreciate your patience while we sort everything out.

Thank you again for your commitment to eviltry. You are all excellent bad guys.

Evil...Rose!

YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS...FOUR DAYS AND FULLY FUNDED.

Yes, you read that right. Just four days into the Evil for Julie campaign, and both the reader and writer editions are entirely funded. As of writing this:

Reader Edition: $6085 (of a $3500 goal)

Writer Edition: $2275 (of a $1500 goal)

That's $8360 total.

On behalf of the Evil League of Evil Writers:

THANK YOU

$5000 was our initial goal because that was what we raised last year for Crestline with our Evil Auction. To surpass that in just a couple of days is tremendous, and everything, minus the Indiegogo/PayPal fees, go directly to Julie and her family at the end of the month.

Of course, we shall not stop there. No, because we have TONS of other perks here to list and twenty-six more days to raise some more cash.

Please head over to the campaigns to have a look at the new additions and stay tuned for more in the coming weeks.

Thank you again to everyone sharing, linking, buying, donating, and supporting this endeavor. Vader says, "If you only knew the power of the dark side." For anyone paying attention, I'd say you guys know. Excellent villainous work, everyone.

Evil Rises

It's time, beloved minions.

It's time, once again, for evil to rise.

In case you missed it, one of our own was knocked down by the Universe recently: Julie Butcher's husband had a little accident with a chainsaw. He's okay but he's already had multiple surgeries, he has a long recovery period ahead of him, and this costs money. A lot of it.

So we're going to help them out.

There's a full summary page on our site here that you can check out. I was going to list some of the "perks" for campaign contributors but...you know...you can just head over and see for yourself. They are too awesome for words. Get out your pocketbook or, better yet, rob a bank, because you WANT what's being offered.

Writers? We've got you covered.

Readers? Yeah you too.

When the Universe kicks one of our own, we kick back.

Hard.

April 1 is known as April Fool's Day, but this is no joke. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING. THE PERKS ARE NOT JOKES. April 1 is also the ELEW's anniversary, so in lieu of an anniversary post this year, we're doing this fundraiser.

So go forth. Be bad guys. Do evil. For Julie.

------------

Initial Evil Thanks must be given to the following people:

• Leigh Evans and Kerry Schafer, for their hardcore tree shaking and sending so many perks our way.
• Jim Butcher, Lilith Saintcrow, and Danielle Kendall, for jumping on board the very instant we started tossing ideas around.
• Dina James, because none of this would happen--I would never DREAM of running a fundraiser--without my partner in eviltry.

Everyone who shared and blogged and advertised this to get perks donated, everyone who donated, thank you. A lot was put together in just a few days.

I know I broke my Firefly theme. Shut up.

Now we have a month to raise at least $5000.

Let's get to work.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Don't Do This to Me Ever

Baby Evil Writers 101
Julie Butcher

So I've been doing a lot of reading for writers lately and some of the openings make me want to go and find the writer and smack them hard in the face.

Your opening is the very first time I get to meet your character and I really want to like them. I do. I’m quite sure that the lovely agents and editors want to love them. So let’s pretend that you are in a car and you've never met this person before. You’re going on a twelve hour drive with them. Just you and them. Now let’s pretend that you are telepathic and that you can read their mind.

Now go and read the first two pages of your manuscript. I’ll wait.

.

Did you have your character do or say or think any of the following things?

1.       I don’t want to be here.

2.       I hate her/him/it/them.

3.       I’m going to vomit/spit/pee/poop

4.       I need to use the bathroom.

5.       I’m bored.

6.       I’m tired.

7.       Life sucks.

8.       I wish I was dead.

9.       I wish you were dead.

10.   I want to kill them

11.   That anything or anyone is stupid. (Including themselves.)

12.   That anyone or anything is dumb, boring or gross.

13.   They want to have sex with something or someone.

Now I want you to pretend that this stranger character said all of the things that they thought and said directly to you. Do you want to be in the car with them for twelve hours? Because I probably won’t. 

What you’re asking the reader to do is to spend twelve hours with a virtual stranger. FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND WRONG IN THE WORLD do not do those things.

If you met someone at a cocktail party, and they threw up on your little black dress, would you stay around to get to know them?

I wouldn’t.

If they said any of the above things to you, a stranger, would you want to give them your precious time?

Nope.

All-righty then. Go and delete those pages and introduce your character in a way that shows us who they are inside. Give us a glimpse of the very best part of their soul. Make us want to know them better before we learn their weird preferences and nasty quirks.

No bodily fluids.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Rules
Julie Butcher

When I first started writing, I went to every single blog post and website to see if I was doing it wrong. The problem with this was that everyone said something different.

You can find rules all over the internet. Never use then, never use comma and then! Never use an adverb, or an adjective, or a noun. Oh my goodness go and cut every single word ending in –ly, or –ing! 

Oh my darling baby minions of evil, You must follow the rules.

Or maybe not.

I tried to follow all of the laws or rules or whatever you might call them. I went through an entire manuscript to take out *that* and *then*. And guess what? It totally made the writing stupid. The music and voice had leaked out with the giant holes.

Guess what else my darling evilettes? If your writing is compelling and your characters enthralling, you can break any rule you want.

The biggest and only rule you need for writing is to make each sentence count. Every single word should be necessary to carry your plot forward. Each sentence should be complete in itself. If you take a sentence out of context, it should still sound lovely and make sense.

To do this, try reading your story out loud. The stupid sentences will jump out at you. You'll sit and wonder what came out of your mouth. I swear it will help.

So quit googling the rules and spend the time making sure the words on the page mean what you want them to mean. Tell your story without bogging up your brain with too many laws of writing.

Because really, there aren't any.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Julie Butcher

So now that a few of you have off for the holidays, I'm sure your evil glee extends to sending queries! You have time, you have a computer. Your internet is working, so why not?

No. Because the agents are all like this—

And the editors are all like this—

I know this because I am a writer and I am all like this—

Even my kids are all like this—

And the dog—

And the cat—

Everyone is all like this—

So, wait until after the New Year, mkay?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part Two

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginnings Part Two

Julie Butcher

When you meet a new friend, and they’re nice to you, then you like them. In a book, we can only stand in the shadows and watch to see if we like a character. We notice what they do, how they treat others, how they speak, if they're an asshat—or not.

We judge them. With their actions and dialogue in only a few pages, we make a final decision if we want to spend time in their world. If you don’t believe me, go and people watch at the bookstore. Customers don’t skip to the middle, they look on the first page.

So this is why your beginning is the most important part of the story. If you can’t hook the reader, the rest of the book is a waste of your time. I content edit books for a lot of people and I’ve noticed a few things that happen often enough to be trends.

1.       The character is alone. Okay guys, when you’re at the park or the store and you’re say, waiting in a line. Do you watch someone quietly standing by themselves or do you watch a couple talking, or a boisterous family? Now, if you are watching the guy by himself and he’s talking to no one, do you want to hike yourself across the store for a visit with the crazy person? Of course you don’t. People who talk to themselves are dangerous—certainly more so that a couple or a family. If you wouldn’t go right into that book and talk to the character, don’t write it that way.

2.       The character is angry, or depressed, or just being a booger-head. We all have friends who have bad days and we have to deal with them and their problems because they are already our friends. If I meet someone and they’re glowering, and kicking puppies, and farting or whatever—the first thought in my head is absolutely not that I want to spend time with them. Oh heck no.

3.       The character is responding to someone else. Your main character should be the first one to speak. It is his story. He should be the one to steer the conversation boat. The first thing out of his mouth should be positive. (We like to meet positive people) His first action should be a tiny glimpse into his soul. Is he gallant? He can hold the door open for someone. Is he brave? He could chase a criminal or grab a child out of traffic. Is his family the most important thing in his life? He could call his mom to say hello. Yes, most of these things are kind of boring . But we need to see your main character as a likeable person before all of the terrible things happen to him. If we don’t like him, we could care less if he loses all his money or if he fails a test or if someone smashes his car.

4.       The character is looking in a mirror. We don’t need to know what he looks like, we need to know who he is, where he is, what he’s doing, and how he treats people. Don’t insult your reader by thinking that they’re so shallow that they’ll like someone because of their looks. How rude.

Right now don’t worry about the perfect first sentence. Let us meet your character for a page or two before the end of the world happens. Let us like him because that is important.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Be Thankful

Baby Evil Writers 101: Be Thankful
Julie Butcher

Thanksgiving Day means that even the most evil Americans should take a moment and count their blessings. My darling minions, you need to do so with your writing.

Celebrate the truthful critique partners in your life. Their criticism has made your prose bloom darkness. Hug the malcontents who jerk you from complacency and make you write more. Appreciate the editors and agents who gave their time to tell you that you need to be better.

Also, you should be especially thankful for pie.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part One

Baby Evil Writers 101:Beginings Part One

Julie Butcher

I think every writer I have ever met started their first manuscript with their character being alone. They’re in their house, or in the bed, or standing and waiting for a bus—but they are always alone. There is a logical reason for this. It’s way harder to imagine six people in a room, their actions and dialogue than it is one.

Sometimes this works my evil darlings but mostly it makes you work harder to make your protagonist likable. When we see people in real life, we judge them by their actions , and by how they interact with others. Let’s say you’re at a park. You see a toddler trip, scrape their knee, and start screaming bloody murder.

1.       The mother runs to comfort the child. She hugs him and sings.

2.       The mother runs, grabs up the child, and starts screaming for help, “Call 9-1-1!”

3.       The mother ignores the child and lets another mom take care of the toddler.

4.       The mom snatches a first aid kit from her purse, cleans and bandages the wound, but talks on her cell the whole time.

5.       The mother smacks the child and complains loudly about how much work this child is for her.

       

You would feel differently about the mother with each scenario. But the main point is that you would be judging her by how she reacts to her child’s injury. If a child wasn’t present, she’d just be sitting on a bench and thinking—boring.

Since we are human, and evil, we watch from the sidelines and judge others. This is what we all do. In sixty seconds we are judge, jury, and executioner. Everyone does this and they do it with your book. At most you get a page or two to interest the reader in your hero.

That isn’t much.

 Put your protagonist with someone else, show how he interacts with others. Otherwise, he is just like a picture on the wall—we know what he looks like but nothing about who he is inside.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Candy is like Stories

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Candy is Like Stories

Julie Butcher

It is almost Halloween minions. Rejoice! Now, not only do you have lovely costumed beasties running about the neighborhood to inspire you to greater heights of writing evil, you have CANDY!

Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar suuuuuuuuuuggggggaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I’ve been thinking a lot about candy lately. (Okay, I do anyway but especially now that it is time to trick or treat.) And what I’ve figured out is that the lovely evil that is candy is a lot like working on your manuscript.

“Pish-tosh,” you say? Well, I am evil, and I can hear you, and you should be very afraid right now. It is so like candy. The reason your words are like chocolaty goodness is that after too many, we begin to feel ill. That’s right, as sick as a dog. Baby evil writers tend to hammer a point so hard that it sticks out the other side of the manuscript.

Plot points are lovely things until they turn into a railroad spike that you drive through my head. Most generally, readers are a smart bunch of cookies. When the bad guy kicks a dog, we know he is bad. Your main character should know he’s bad. Your hero should immediately PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE FOR KICKING A DOG. We don’t need him to pontificate on why it is a terrible thing to hurt animals.

Unless your target reading group is high functioning sociopaths, they get it. Don’t kill the flow of your scenes by stopping to explain the motives behind punching a bad guy in the face. You do not have to justify your hero’s actions.

Another reason your words are candy is that too much of a good thing is always bad. We tend to like our hero. We want him to be happy.  This is lovely and boring. Torture your darlings my evil minions. Give them just a minute glimpse of happy before the next big bad comes and kicks them in the teeth.

You may get your candy now but he doesn’t get any until the end of the book.

Happy Birthday, Julie!

Gather round, both Baby Evil Writers and grown ones alike...for today we celebrate the glorious day Julie Butcher was born.

Julie is our Senior Pie Coordinator and Clubhouse Keeper. That's right, in addition to the charity work she does, raising as many children as I have cats, VAST amounts of writing, and loads of (evil, always evil) support she offers aspiring writers, SHE HAS A CLUBHOUSE. So now we bring cupcakes to the clubhouse door and bow, giving thanks to Julie and her Scary Mom Eyes for her huge contribution to the writing community.

On behalf of the Evil League of Evil Writers...Happy Birthday, Julie!

Baby Evil Writers 101: When to Query

Baby Evil Writers 101: When to Query

Julie Butcher

We’ve talked about a lot of things here my evil darlings but, we haven’t covered when to query your  evil manuscript of doom. I made the mistake of querying too soon and suffered (and rightly so) the hordes of rejection letters and pangs of baby evil writer growth spurts.

I don’t want that for you, my malevolent dears. So I have  a baby evil check list for you before you send your firstborn into the world.

1.       You have a completed manuscript. It can’t be part, it can’t be almost. You must have finished the entire thing. There isn’t an exception for this rule unless you write non-fiction. Not ever and not past ever.  So that would be NEVER.

2.       You have already started another story. Not the sequel to the first thing you wrote—a new story. I know you want to immediately go to the next book in your series. I know this and I did this. But sweet heathens, the market changes . What sells today won’t necessarily get you a book deal next week. I’m not trying to burst your lovely bubble but this is an industry fact. Start something different. The submission process takes months and even years. You need something new to keep you going when the rejections come in.

3.       You have sent this manuscript to a critique group, or to a professional editor with a good reputation, and you have made sweeping changes in the story and to the characters. If you haven’t done this. Stop thinking about submitting your manuscript to Agents and Editors. Stop right this minute! No one can write without a reader’s opinion. Even big name authors have beta-readers. You cannot count your family or your close non-writer friends in this tally.

4.       You have read your manuscript out loud at least three times. This is an important step for all true minions of evil. You catch mistakes like crazy-town and you will improve your work, guaranteed. Evil is as Evil does. Unless your friends, family, and the people at the coffee shop think you are insane, you’re not finished.

5.       You have put this manuscript aside for at least three months and worked on something else. Time may heal all puss-filled wounds but in addition, it gives you clearer eyes for your own work. Our minds are funny things, my dears, and absence makes them clearer and able to see the giant infested plot holes of doom.

6.       You have line-edited your work for punctuation errors or sent your work to a line editor to be corrected. Some editors and agents can see past where the comma fairy pooped all over your work. Others run screaming into the dark to nurse the migraine your manuscript caused. Probably blinding pain will not get you representation or a book deal.

7.       You have mentally prepared yourself for rejection and have physically stocked your lair with chocolate, liquor, or whatever items help you to conquer despair.

8.       You have researched agents and editors to make sure they not only represent the genre you write, but are open to and accepting unsolicited queries. Personally, I tend to remember the names of people who defy my wishes right to my virtual face. Don’t be that person.

9.       You have spent more than a week perfecting your query letter and have gotten awesome reviews on it from your beta readers.

10.   You have scourged the idea of self-publishing if you haven’t sold within a few months from your psyche. I will take my ball and go home or find someone else to play with doesn’t cut it in this industry. True evil lasts forever. You have to be ready for the long haul. Sure, lightning can strike. But how many times have you personally been hit?

That’s what I thought.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Evil is as Evil does

Baby Evil Writers 101: Evil is as Evil does

Julie Butcher

Face front Baby Evil Minions and give me your attention.

Begins rant

I know that all of you evil trainees are putting your worst foot forward. You have conquered the malevolence that is facebook. You’ve stalked agents and editors with the sneaky and quiet feet of seasoned cat burglars on twitter. You chat with other writers and industry professionals, and post all of the things, online, forever.

Once you’ve put your words and feelings on the ether that is the wicked internet—IT NEVER GOES AWAY.

Vicious is not evil. Malevolent tweets against other people/sexual orientations/races are not evil. Do not let your fingers run away on the keyboard and let all of your stupid fall out. Whining especially is not evil. If I see one more tweet about how horrible writing a query is, I will come for you in the night—with a sword—and it won’t be pretty.

Queries are a necessary evil, so is writing a synopsis. If you are truly following in our wicked footsteps, SUCK IT UP AND SOLDIER ON. Those things are evil and therefore belong to us. We embrace the evil.

You are not allowed to whine in public. There is messaging on facebook and direct messaging on twitter. Use those to have a pity-party with your friends. Make your family miserable instead of the entire world. Did you ever see Frankenstein’s Monster gripe about those awful, heavy shoes? Did Dracula complain about sleeping with dirt in his coffin? Ummm…let’s see…that would be a resounding NO.

Rejections are not a happy-shiny thing but they are necessary. What isn’t necessary is your moaning and groaning on social media. No one wants to work with a complainer. It is irritating. It is also permanently on the web forever. Do not jump off the roof and then complain that you broke your leg. OF COURSE YOU DID BECAUSE THAT WAS DUMB.

True evil is strong and silent. Not stupid.

Ends rant

Baby Evil Writers 101: Using Triggers to Write

Using Triggers to Write

Julie Butcher

How many times have you sat down to write and the glittery shininess of the internet  swept you away? (Kind of like Calgon-take-me-away, right?) It is oh, so easy to just pop onto twitter for a few seconds and end up staying for two or three hours. Then, you’ll only accept the gifts from the fun neighbor games on facebook, and not actually play. Then an hour later it’s time to tuck the kids in bed or do the dishes. Real life takes over and you have zilch wordage for the day.

There are several different things to use to get working. I use audio, visual, and space for prompts.

Audio:

When I begin a manuscript, I use one song where the beat and lyrics sing the story in my mind. I play it on repeat for the first several chapters—until I don’t really hear it anymore. Then, when it is finally time to write (remember, I have six kids) I play the song a couple of times and the story jumps back into my head. Even if I fall from grace and wander over to twitter or facebook, the song sticks the story into my brain. The downside of this method is that when you’re in the car and the song comes on the radio, you start getting story and you can’t write it down. (Very, very irritating)

Visual:

Make a story board or character sheets. (I already told you how to do that here.) Look at them before you begin writing. It really does help to make the characters full-fleshed. Then you won’t give them the wrong eye or hair color and they won’t use another character’s slang words. This saves on editing later

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Space:

You need a place where you write. It needs to both be so familiar that it isn’t distracting and uncomfortable enough that you don’t fall asleep. It needs to be safe so that you don’t worry if people come in or out. Preferably, there needs to be a door you can lock or a ladder you can pull up. I’m lucky enough to have a clubhouse—with ferocious guard dogs and cannons and a moat. Okay, no dogs or ditches but I do have a clubhouse. You might have to make do with a locked bedroom door.

The thing is that by using prompts, you’ll save a few minutes, or hours. That’s a good thing, right?

The Ten Comandments of Query Letters

The Ten Commandments of Query Letters

Julie Butcher

1. Verily I say unto you, it is forbidden to mass query to Agents. Thou shalt not put many names and email addresses in the address line nor in the Carbon Copy nor in the Blind Carbon Copy. For each agent has a name.
2. And thou shalt personalize thy query to each agent with a name and each has a name.
3. Thou shalt put thy email address and thy street address and thy phone number on the query or thy children and thy children’s children shall rise up and call thee Stupid for missing an opportunity.
4. Thou shalt not send a query for an unedited manuscript even in the enthusiasm following Nano for thy name shall be Mud and thy query rejected verily.
5. Thou shalt respect the silence of Agents who have posted no response means no on their websites on pain of losing the opportunity to query to them forever and of taking the privilege from thy brothers.
6. Thou shalt go onto the internet to research agents and to follow their guidelines lest thy query be lost to the evil of spam folders.
7. Thou shalt keep thy query letter to one page for Agents have eyes and eyes can be broken.
8. Thou shalt only send a query letter to an agent who represents thy genre which has a name.
9. Thou shalt not hassle an agent about thy query on twitter or facebook or any social networking sites for they are there to be social. They are people and they have a name.
10. And on the seventh day if a rejection shall come, thou shalt rejoice for thy skin is thicker with each rejection and thou shalt need a thick skin when you have a name, for lo and verily there are reviewers.

This is a repost some of you might remember from the #amwriting website a year or so ago. I have the flu of doom. I'll make a pretty new post next time, mkay?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent #2

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent #2

Julie Butcher

Last time we talked about finding an agent, we decided that being a member of AAR was a good place to start. You can read that post here. But, there are tons of ways to research literary agents. Although AAR is a great place to start, other wonderful agents are out there just waiting to partner with you and bring out the best in your work.

Jennifer Laughran, a lovely agent and twitter friend, pointed this fact out to me. (You should follow her on twitter and read her blog.) 

From her blog:  Jennifer began her career in agenting after working as a long-time children's bookseller and buyer. She is also the founder of the extremely popular YA event series "Not Your Mother's Book Club". She joined Andrea Brown Literary Agency in 2007. Always on the lookout for sparkling YA and middle grade fiction with unusual and unforgettable characters and vivid settings, she is drawn to all kinds of books, whether realistic comedies or richly imagined magical adventures. However, the common thread in her favorite stories is an offbeat world-view. Jennifer adores simplicity, but she is not interested in the conventional, predictable, mechanical, gimmicky or ordinary. Jennifer loves funny books, thrilling books, romantic books, books that make her cry, and all-around un-put-downable books... and her true favorites are all of the above.

Now, since I know that Jennifer is an extremely successful literary agent (and awesome to boot) but not a member of AAR, we’re using her as an example on how to research to see if she is reputable.

The first thing you do is to go to Predators and Editors. Click on the agent and publishers link, and pick the first letter of the literary agent’s name. When I scrolled down, I found this.

Jennifer Etherton Literary Services: Not recommended. A literary agency.

Jennifer Flannery: A literary agent with Flannery Literary.

Jennifer Gates: $ An agent with Zachary Shuster Harmsworth.

Jennifer Jackson: $ AAR A literary agent (Literary, Adult) with Donald Maass Literary Agency.

Jennifer Jaeger: A literary agent with Andrea Brown Literary Agency.

Jennifer Joel: $ A literary agent with ICM.

Jennifer Laughran: A literary agent with Andrea Brown Literary Agency. <-SEE THIS IS GOOD

Clearly, there isn’t a *not recommended* warning next to her name. Predators and Editors keep on top of the scoundrels of publishing but they aren’t the be-all and end-all of your search. Next, look up her agency, Andrea Brown Literary Agency.

Andrea Barzvi: $ A literary agent with ICM.

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Andrea Brown Literary Agency, Inc.: $ Recommended. A literary agency. (Literary, Children's) Accepts queries through email only.  <-SEE THIS IS GREAT

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A recommended agency would not have a shyster as an agent. In publishing, reputation is everything. So right now we’re saying, “Hey, she looks awesome!” Hey there are still more ways that we can check on her reputation.

Next we head over to Absolute Write and check out the forums. Read what other writers say about the agent you’re researching. Here we find that Jennifer was a guest agent at the water cooler. She’s looking better and better. After this, we check her out on Publisher’s Marketplace.

If you have a membership at Publisher’s Marketplace ($20 a month) You can see what every deal reported says. If you can’t afford the fee, google Jennifer Laughran + publishers marketplace+ dealmaker and you can see page after page of registered sales.

Then you go and read her blog and check her twitter stream. You find articles where she is mentioned and check all of the boxes. THEN YOU QUERY.

Since I’ve done all of the research for you, you can query Jennifer here.

You need to research every single agent you query with at least this many steps. Got it?