Retro Evil - A Reintroduction

Here we are...six months into 2014. It's been a wild ride already! The whole month of April we here at the ELEW were raising funds to help our dear Senior Pie Coordinator and Clubhouse Keeper, Julie Butcher, with the monumental medical bills incurred while her husband took on a chainsaw-wielding grizzly bear. And you know what, evildoers?

We did it.

WE FUCKING DID IT!

May was spent making sure all the perks were going out, and so on and so forth. There have been other posts on this blog detailing exactly what we've done, so I won't rehash. The ELEW is often up to no good...it's part of what makes us evil. Our efforts have garnered us a few new followers curious about who we are and what the Evil League of Evil Writers is.

Today's post is going to be about that very thing - what makes a writer evil? What's interesting about this entry is that it is a reprint of my very first post for this blog...over three years ago! The ELEW was founded April 1, 2011 by me (Dina) and our lovely Bitchstress Dreamkiller, Skyla Dawn Cameron. Though we are the founders, this organization could not function without our members. It takes a special type of person to be an evil writer, and membership in our esteemed organization is something we take very seriously.

Let me explain.

(Previously published April 2011 on the old ELEW site. It has been resurrected for today.)

Evil is not to be confused with "mean." There is a vast difference between being mean and being evil. For example, being mean is setting people up to fail just to amuse you. Being evil is taking pleasure in their failure when they've set themselves up to fail despite your repeated warnings/attempts at educating them.

The Germans have a word for this concept – "schadenfreude."

I am not mean. I am evil. Mostly.

Why am I an evil writer? Because I have no patience, tolerance, or compassion. I have absolutely NO sympathy for self-inflicted wounds.

Note that. Self-inflicted wounds.

Being a writer is torture. It's hard on the writer, it's hard on the reader, and it's devastation to the characters and worlds involved. Not everyone is cut out to handle the kind of collateral damage that a writer endures - physical, mental, and emotional. It's a rough life, and like anything that isn't easy, there are always people who want to claim the achievement without having to endure the hard work.

These people take shortcuts, generally make asses of themselves to everyone, everywhere, shove their "hard work/success" in the faces of those they've longed to impress, do the "I told you so" dance…

…then whine because not only is their work not selling, they're not accepted by the writing community as either a professional or a writer.

I have no sympathy for these people.

There's an icon someone created (I have it credited as made by the LJ user tuuli-chan) that I sometimes use(d) on my Livejournal that says "easy reading is damned hard writing." (ETA: I have now become aware that this is a Maya Angelou quote.)

That says it all. Writing is hard. It's not just "put words on the page." There's a bit more to it than that.

Why do I bring this up?

Because I'm about to rip the whiners a new orifice. Those sitting in the first five rows would do well to raise their plastic sheeting about now.

As stated above, I have no sympathy for self-inflicted wounds. I have absolutely NO PATIENCE for people who whine about how they were ripped off by this "publishing company"*, or about how hard writing is, or how they're suffering from writer's block, or they want to write but don't have time, or about the bad review of their work they read, or about how no one but their mom believes in them, or they don't have a support group, or whatever.

Shut. The fuck. Up.

If you want to be a writer – a PROFESSIONAL writer – then you're going to have to learn to take a hit. Like a boxer, you're going to have to work hard and train and hurt and bleed and then train some more WHILE you're hurting and bleeding. There is no training montage song provided. You have to come up with that on your own, and it's going to take a little more than two minutes of "You're The Best Around" or "Eye of the Tiger" to make you into a professional.

You want to get in the ring, you're going to get hit, and I've got no sympathy for you if you're going to whine about it when you do. You were warned. There's a lot of absolutely free information out there from people who know what they're talking about. Author blogs, agent blogs, writer's resources – it's all there if anyone bothers to look.

Real, professional writers do their research, and they don't whine about it.

Writer's block? Here: http://www.lilithsaintcrow.com/journal/writers-block/ (updated link as the old one was eaten by trolls)

And that's just one example. Fear of rejection? Covered. How to deal with rejection? Check. What to do once you've finished a manuscript? Also covered. Finding time to write? Plenty of info out there on that one. Tempting your Muse with chocolate?

I'd be careful with that one. You'll probably end up on a porn site.

Actually, you'll probably end up on a porn site regardless of what you search for, so please use your brain and remember that if anyone anywhere on the internet asks you for your money/credit card before you can access anything, LOOK ELSEWHERE.

Now that we've got that established, let's continue.

Any question you have can be answered by the ALMIGHTY GOOGLE, so I'm not about to sympathize with any excuse as to why you can't act like the professional you're claiming to be (or trying to be). Somewhere, someone has had the same question as you, and they cope just fine.

Which brings me to another point. My fellow ELEW member, Bitchstress Dreamkiller Skyla Dawn Cameron, said it best: "Writers these days really have no excuse to be ignorant."

I have no sympathy for those writers who could have known better with a FIVE MINUTE GOOGLE SEARCH on whether or not what they were doing was appropriate.

I also have no sympathy for people who behave badly, in person or online, especially writers.

If you're trying to be a professional anything, it's probably a good idea to learn how the professionals got to be that way and…I don't know…emulate them?

Now, we've all made mistakes. We've all been n00bs at some point and we all start somewhere. We've all made blunders. If you don't learn from those mistakes, or aren't embarrassed by them once you learn you've made it (and apologize for it if appropriate), then you shouldn't be trying to attain a level of professionalism you're never going to make.

My point here is, I have no patience or sympathy for those who don't bother to learn the game they're trying to play.

I certainly have no sympathy for those who whine about something they've CHOSEN to do being "too hard," or they want to write and don't have time,** or that their shortcut didn't work out the way they thought it would. Many writers would argue that writing isn't a "choice," but rather who they are, and they would be correct.

But becoming a professional is a choice. You want to write? Fine. Write. Write away. Be fruitful and multiply and all that.

You want to be a professional writer?

Learn to write well.

There are no shortcuts. You want to be a professional writer, you work hard, and you don't whine about how hard it is. There's a reason my alter ego on Twitter is #gunnyjames; an R. Lee Ermey-style encouragement-via-humiliation-and-degradation motivator. (ETA: I haven't done #gunnyjames in awhile, but she's still out there...beware....)

If you act like an ass, I'll treat you like an ass. If you act like a professional, I'll treat you like a professional.

If you act like a candy-assed, cotton-wrapped, sheltered little wannabe writer whiner, I'll simply point you back to the hole you crawled out of, because you don't belong here with the rest of us. I will also bitch-slap you if you deign to compare your whiny ass to me. I've worked hard and know what I'm talking about. You don't.

That's what makes me an evil writer. I know the rules, I know how to play, and I'll kick your ass up one side and down the other if you try and take me on with your unprofessional bullshit.

I'm also evil because I enjoy making people cry.

Are you crying?

Yes?

My work here is done.

No?

Come here for a second….

* Hi, yeah, that was a vanity press, if you'd bothered to research them like, I don't know, I TOLD YOU TO DO, maybe that wouldn't have happened.

** This one seriously annoys the fuck out of me – you either want to write or you don't. If you really wanted to write, you'd make the time, not excuses.

Recycled Post - Torture

Relax, it's character torture, not, you know...shut up!

Today's post is made of 100% recycled materials from 2011. Dr. Dina is out of the office, but she'll be back soon with more medical writing goodness. We have lots to cover this year - drowning, medications, fighting...there's lots we can talk about. For now, though, enjoy this blast from the past. - DJ

Originally posted somewhere (I honestly can't remember where) in April, 2011. Apparently we had a theme.

Character Torture

Continuing with our theme of Character Torture 101, I bring you "Make It Hurt."

I don't get why slapstick is funny. I never have. Sure, it's funny when someone who deserves a little comeuppance falls flat on their face, but general Three Stooges-type pratfalls and kicks in the balls and so on…? I just don't get that. Of course, I don't get why Will Farrell, Jim Carrey, or Ricky Gervais are funny either.

Eddie Izzard I get, but I digress.

Laughter is a documented response to pain. I should know – it's my own response. When something physically hurts, I laugh, so I suppose there's a correlation there between laughing at pain and laughing when we see someone get hurt (especially if they were doing something stupid just before the kick in the balls or board to the face). I used to think I was the only woman in the world who laughed during painful physical examinations and medical procedures and so on, because surely that's not normal. If something hurts, the natural response is to cry, right? Or yelp? Or protest with an "ouch!"

Something. Not laughing.

Pain can also be addictive. There's a fine line between pleasure and pain, and the chemicals/hormones that signal whether something is pleasurable or painful can often be deliberately confused. There's even certain medical conditions termed "aldegonics" in which pain is experienced as pleasure. 

What's all this have to do with torturing characters in writing?

Because it's fun. Pleasurable.

Or, to quote John Mellencamp, it hurts so good. 

It's not only fun putting characters in impossible situations – torturing them, essentially – but it's equally fun watching them get out of them. Seeing what they do. What they come up with to MacGyver their way out of whatever situation they're now faced with.

Yeah, that's awesome.

What's equally awesome is torturing a character you know your audience loves. This is the best part of the whole thing, and the most delicate.

See the part about pratfalls and slapstick. Sure you might get a laugh, but if your readers don't care about the torture you inflict on the character, you might as well just get out the pies.

People have to care about/connect with a character in order for the torture to mean anything. If no one cares about the torment that character is facing, then your scenario is pointless.

Here's an example. Say you have three beloved characters and they're all about to do something exciting. Then a fourth character comes in, and before he can say "hi, guys!" he's flattened by a semi.

The other three characters are horrified because they just saw a dude they might know get run over by a huge truck, but the readers aren't horrified at all because they didn't know the guy. Sure, it might be a shock because it was unexpected, but they didn't care about the character.

Now, if you do the same to one of the characters you've come to care about (I'm looking at you, George R. R. Martin….), your reader is going to feel that loss – that hurt/pain/torture – EVEN if there's no real affect on the characters involved.

Character torture is complicated and delicate. You can't simply torture for torture's sake (okay, yes you can, but where's the fun in that?). There has to be something at risk – whatever that might be is up to you as the writer. It could be something as simple as a treasured object to something as serious as that character's existence.

Making your characters cry and hurt is one thing. Making your readers scream and cry along with them is something else.

That's truly why we torture the characters, you know. Because really, we're torturing you. 

Series Post: Ask Dr. Dina - Eyestrain Reloaded

DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I do not hold a current medical license or certification (I let them lapse because I no longer work in the medical field and don't intend to ever again). What I do have is an extensive medical background in various fields. Everything you read here is the result of either education, training, research and interpretation, or personal experience. The information in this post is not to be taken as a substitute for professional medical advice or examination. Seriously, if you're having an immediate medical problem and you're reading this blog for help, get off the damned computer and call an ambulance!


Note: This post originally appeared in 2011 when the Evil League of Evil Writers had a two-week theme of self-care tips for writers. Today's post is made of 100% recycled materials, because the original post I wanted to do needs a little more research. Yes, I research these Dr. Dina posts like a big bitch. What? You thought I just pulled all those charts and graphs and source cited links out of my ass? Fuck no. Those posts take anywhere from four hours to half a day to write and properly format, and the next one I have planned I don't want to rush, so here. Have a ball. (HA HA! I KILL ME!)


Continuing our [previous 2011] two-week theme of self-care tips for writers, I want to talk about eyeballs.

What? Why are you laughing?

Seriously…eyeballs!

(What's with the laughing…?)

Well, whatever the reason for your laughing, taking care of your eyes is something most people – especially writers – overlook.

For writers, it's especially difficult. We stare at a computer screen (or blank page, for those who use pen and paper still *cough*archaic*cough*) for hours a day, and a lot of it isn't even for writing reasons. Most of us use computers at our jobs, or just browse the 'Net, or whatever. There are some of us (who shall remain naMEless) who play computer games and so on.

Then there's the research, the social networking, and so on.

Most everyone forgets about the health of their eyes. Unless you suffer from chronic dry eyes or have contacts that dry out when you stare too long at the computer screen, most of us never even think about putting in eye drops. That's medicine, right? If you don't have pinkeye, why would you use eye drops?

Because your eyes are a part of your body that you use constantly. They need lubrication just like any other moving part.

Writers stereotypically have bad eyesight to begin with. What? We do! I said it was a stereotype. I'm no exception. I've worn glasses since I was three. I got contacts when I was ten. HARD contacts, or as they called them back then, "rigid gas-permeables." This was supposed to slow the change from year to year of my eyeball (I said it again!), and it did work to a degree. However, I'm what's called a "high myope."

Were it not for the wondrous invention of laser eye surgery, I would have worn glasses with my contacts at the age of eighteen. Fortunately LASIK technology came along and I was able to have it done – after a different laser surgical procedure done on my left eye called "retinal scarring." This was done in order to strengthen my tissue-paper thin retina enough to survive the pressure of the LASIK procedure. (I won't gross out the sensitive amongst us with the details of it. And before you go looking it up online, remember that I had this surgery done when the procedure was in its infancy at one of the best eye centers in the country. For all the advanced technology, it was a little more brutal than it is now.) One of the side-effects is that I must always use eye drops…sometimes more than once a day. Upon waking is the hardest time. I reach immediately for the eye drops then. If you think this is annoying, well…it's a huge trade-up from all I had to do with my contacts and glasses every day. So I have to use eye drops every day for the rest of my life. FAIR TRADE.

They warned me when I had it done that I'd probably have to come back in a year or two for what's called "an enhancement." (Basically they'd have to do the whole thing again because my prescription was so high that they couldn't lower it all they needed to in one go.) I did this, too. (That's surgery number three for those keeping score at home.)

It's been about ten [update: thirteen] years now since my last eye surgery, and a few years ago I started having problems with my right eye. I went immediately to the ophthalmologist (medical eye doctor – different from an optician/optometrist you see in your local grocery store or eyeglass place) and he ran me through a series of tests and made sure everything was at least functional.

He crunched numbers and pondered things and gave me eye medicines to use and made me promise to take "eye breaks." For three weeks I had a timer by my computer, and every fifteen minutes it would ding and I'd have to look away from the computer screen at a far corner of the room for at least a minute.

It got old quickly.

When it was time for me to get checked out again, he nodded in approval.

And then he wrote me a prescription for glasses.

*sigh*

This time, they're different however. This time they're for driving/distance vision only, and they're a very low prescription. Here's an example:

Post-LASIK vision: Both eyes 20/10
Eye problem: Left eye 20/10, Right eye 20/100
Fixed eye-problem: Left eye 20/10 Right eye 20/30
Corrected vision with glasses: Left eye: 20/10 Right eye: 20/20

More or less.

It's been a few years now and I haven't had a problem with my eyes. I am still conscious of them and the need to rest them. To look away from the computer screen or television or even a book I'm really into. Your eyes are such a vital part of you, and most people don't even consider their health.

Eyeballs are tough. They take a lot of abuse and a lot of strain. They're also delicate, fragile things. Take care of them.

Look away from the computer screen. Right now. Go on, I'll wait.

Back?

How'd that feel? Pretty nice, eh?

Next time you're at the store, pick up some preservative-free single-use vials of a refreshing eye drop, or get those nice ones made for those who use computers all day. Pop a couple drops in every now and again. (Unless you're like my mother and can't stand the thought of putting something in your own eyes and have to have someone else force your eye open just to put a drop in.) They even make some out there for you allergy sufferers for that itchy, watery eye thing.

Seriously. Eye drops. Get some. Use them.

Your eyes will thank you. Also, you may get more work done. No promises, though. I'm just saying that you're more productive when you're comfortable.

Questions about medical issues with your writing? Leave them in the comments below and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. (THESE MUST APPLY TO FICTIONAL SITUATIONS ONLY. I AM NOT YOUR DOCTOR, NOR A SUBSTITUTE FOR ONE.)