Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Baby Evil Writers 101: Three Stupid Things Writers Do

Julie Butcher

So I‘ve been around publishing for a while. There have been people who should have known better than to do what they did, but went ahead and let their stupid fall out all over everything. Since you are beginning evil writers, I’ll list out the things and then you do not do them. If you go ahead and act like a mental midget, it’s your problem. I won’t try and save you. I’ll just wave good-bye and leave you in the pit that you dug for yourself.

1.      Fire off a nasty email in reply to a rejection letter.

You can print it out and stomp on it. You can yell in your house. You can eat ice cream and cake and watch sappy movies and cry. There are a million things you can do instead of snapping out a rude and angry reply. Out there in publishing land, they send tons of those emails. They are not an insult to you. They are a reply to your query. If you don’t snap, that particular door is still open. Later you can send another manuscript. When you snarl and curse and bite, that door shuts forever. There are a limited number of doors. Don’t be stupid.

2.      Reply negatively to a review.

Everyone gets bad reviews. If you don’t believe this fact then go and look at the top authors on Amazon. They have one star reviews. Totally you are allowed to feel badly. You can cry. You can put that reviewer’s picture on your wall and throw darts if you like. What you absolutely cannot do is to go online and refute what they posted. My suggestion is not to read reviews period. Then you are not temped to get in a cat-fight in the comments, or to fire off another terrible email which can be copy pasted and shown to the world. For goodness sake keep your dignity. No one wants to work with a toddler who throws tantrums whenever they don’t get their way. People are allowed to have an opinion—even people who don’t like your book.

3.      Insult other publishing professionals.

If you are trying to be published (or if you are already there) and you disparage any other publishing professional you are shooting yourself in the foot. Do not moan about how long Agent X is taking to reply to your query. Don’t insult other people’s books—like writing scathing reviews online or elsewhere. Don’t gripe about your editor or agent. Use some common sense. Publishing as a whole may seem enormous. It isn’t. Everyone eventually knows everyone else. Yes, this is an eclectic bunch. Yes, you won’t like some of them—too bad. Put on your big kid pants and act like a grown up.

Most of this should be common sense and good manners people. Don’t make it harder than it is.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Long Does Publishing Take

Baby Evil Writers 101: How long does it take to get published?

Julie Butcher

Write a million words.

So you see my sweet evil babies, it all depends on you. If you wrote one thousand words a day, every day. Then, in one thousand days, you would have your million words. But even the most fervent writer doesn’t work each and every day. The evil children must be fed and if you miss the evil queen mother’s birthday—you’re toast.

So let’s assume that you do not write for two days of the week and that you do write for five days. (Like a real job) Now you’re down to twenty-two days per month or 264 days per year and this doesn’t count holidays. Let’s take away twenty days for holidays and making dinners and birthdays and blowing up stuff on appropriate holidays. Now we have 244 days per year.

“Oh!” You say. “That is 244,000 words or around three manuscripts.”

Not so much. You’ll spend twice the time editing that you do writing—if you do it correctly. It will take a lot longer because you are new at evil. After a few books you’ll only use one day to edit for every day you write. Eventually, you won’t have to edit hardly anything because you learned all of the things. But now, that takes away from your actual working time so you’ll have one book to edit and I’ll be generous and say that your book is 100,000 words.

There’s one tenth of what you need to be awesome. Ten years until awesome hits the shelves.

Unfortunately, most of us are not quick learners. All of your words need to be filled with evil and wonder. Each word needs to further the plot of your book. Add two or three years to learn to plot without holes and to write concise sentences. (At 1.000 words per day it will take that long.)

Now we’re at twelve years if you write 1,000 words five days each week.

So put on your big kid pants, put your butt in the chair, and write. Dreaming about writing will not get you there. Stalking agents and editors on twitter will not make you one word closer. The one and only thing that will make your journey faster is to write.

Baby Evil Writers 101: There Is No Muse

Baby Evil Writers 101: There is no Muse

Julie Butcher

If one more person tells me they didn’t write today because the muse is gone on vacation I’m going to smack them hard.

There is no muse. Let me repeat myself, there is no muse.

The only thing there is, is to put your butt in the chair and open the document and think about the story until the words hit your fingers. There is self-control. There is hard work. There is stubbornness. There is a brilliant mind that wants to fritter away time on twitter and facebook and favorite TV shows. There is not, however, a freaking fairy that bops you on the head until they make a hole and shove a story into your brain.

Stress saps creativity. Hunger sucks main characters dry. Illness makes your story about bodily fluids which is nasty. But the straight truth is that you are your own muse and that if you don’t take care of yourself and eat and drink and sleep—you won’t write.

Quit making excuses that are the equivalent of telling a cop that you weren’t speeding, the car was going too fast because and invisible Bigfoot had his hairy appendage on the gas pedal. Listen to me, we both don’t believe you. Not one little tiny bit.

If you believe yourself about the muse thing then you are in big trouble. Also you should probably seek professional help.

I know people who were going through horrible experiences in their lives and yet still managed to write and publish a story. If you want to be paid money, then it is a job and sometimes jobs are hard WORK. If it were all fun and games then you would get no money and it would be called PLAY.

We don’t believe in a muse. We believe in work. If you want to keep fooling yourself, then go away from me. When I don’t write it is because I am stressed or lazy or sick. There is no invisible force stopping my fingers. There is only me, on the couch watching television. Sometimes there is me, working in the garden. But you know what? I know what I’m doing. I don’t blame others for me being lazy or evasive.

Suck it up people. Be honest with yourself, and get your butt in the chair.

Baby Evil Writers 101: About Research

Baby Evil Writers 101: Research

Julie Butcher

I’m sure that all of you baby evil geniuses have heard the importance of doing your research. You’ve heard horror stories about how published authors have been lambasted in public because of some little detail they had gotten wrong in their story. They get emails and people leave reviews trying to publically embarrass and humiliate the writer.

I have met writers who have gotten so deep into research that they have still been writing the same book twenty years later. Research is a deep pit that turns into an escape from what you really need to do—write. You can trick yourself into feeling productive by finding out what herb they used on lamb in Scotland in 1354. In reality, this tidbit isn’t important to the story. What the characters are doing and talking about during the meal is important.

Just write the story. Mark in red the things that you are not sure of and MOVE ALONG. You can google anytime. When in doubt, absolutely do not spend hours and hours and days trying to verify a fact. That is the time for a vague description.

Instead of saying:

He held a Sig Sauer P227 Carry Nitron. Its matte black handle fit perfectly in his hand. The 14 Round extended magazine had enough ammunition to take me down before I’d run a block. That was too much death for a seven inch weapon.

Say:

He had a gun—matte black and lethal. Adrenaline made the skin on my face feel tight, and my legs twitched with the need to run. I wasn’t ready to die.

Because no matter how much research you do, someone out there actually has a Sig Sauer P227. If you describe it perfectly, they’ll catch you on having the shell casing flying out the wrong way. Granted, that took me maybe ten minutes of research but the thing is it does not matter. There is a gun. Guns kill people. Your character thought he/she was going to die. It really is not important what kind of gun he had. The emotions generated by the sight of any gun will send adrenaline to limbs and cause a heart to beat faster.

Don’t get stuck in the details. Get deeper into the emotions. Every ten or twenty or thirty minutes of research are words that are never put onto a page.

Also it is a lame excuse to not write.

Letting it Stew

One of the the things I like to do when I'm not writing is to help other people who think they want to give this particular kind of crazy a try. Because of this, I run into a lot of preconceived ideas about authors, how they write, and what goes into making a book. Most of them are dead wrong but understandable too. Let's face it, until I jumped into this author thing with both feet I thought books sort of magically appeared on bookshelves everywhere. 

It took a long time to sort me out. So I try to be pretty gentle sorting out expectations that fall a little short of the actual experience.

One of the things I tell new writers that seems to be particularly shocking to them is that after you write it, you need to put it away and forget about it for awhile. New authors are long on enthusiasm, but often short on patience. They want the book in bookstores, and they want it as soon as possible. I get that. I had the same problem. 

But I stand by the rule. Put it away. Don't look at it, and if you can help it, don't think about it. Usually, I suggest/instruct/plead with them to write something else while they're waiting. For good reason. Newly finished manuscripts are a source of pride, obsession, and a lot of love. You worked hard on it. You finished it. You've earned the right to fawn a little. But before you move onto editing, you better fall the heck out of love...and fast. 

The best way to do that is to fall in love with something else. 

In the same way that smokers cannot smell the odor in their clothing. (I smoked, it's true) an author who is still living inside their story cannot see it. The blinders are on. To get a realistic view you have to move out, quit smoking that book, and completely reboot your senses again. 

You have to clean your pallet.

In the same way that you can't see your ex clearly until you've fallen in love with someone new, well you get it. Let the first book stew. Let the story percolate and stale. But if possible, write something new, something more brilliant and just as engaging. Love it. Then put it away and go back to the first book ready to kick ass and take names.

Editing will hurt a lot less too, if you've got a new shiny in a drawer somewhere that you know is better anyway. 

Baby Evil Writers 101::Critiques

Baby Writers 101: Critiques

Julie Butcher

You can write until the cows come home but you won’t get professionally published without critique partners. There I said it. Lately it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who claim to want to be professional and yet will not put their writing out there for comments. You guys have a lot of excuses not to have critique partners and editors and I’m going to debunk them one by one.

1.      I’m afraid that someone will steal my idea.

Seriously? You can give thirty writers the same premise and they’ll come up with thirty different stories. Not one of them will be your story. If this doesn’t give you peace of mind, the fact that your work has a copyright the very second you put your words on a document should settle you down. (Okay it does not have a copyright because it is in your head so there’s another reason to put your butt in the chair and write.)

There are no new stories. Every bit and piece has been written somewhere in time. You really need to chillax and get some constructive criticism of your work or you might as well quit right now and keep your secret storyline in your head. It will never be good enough because fresh eyes can see what you cannot. Your mind tricks you into believing that what is in your head is also on the page and that is a lie.

2.      This story is my baby and it will break my heart if people don’t love it. (whine-whine)

They won’t. At least not until you have the critiques and fix all of the plot holes and purple prose. Even then only a small percentage will love your work. Even New York Times bestselling authors have a limited supply of fans. Award winning doesn’t mean that every single person on the planet loves their stuff. Go and look. Even the huge names have horrible reviews. Get used to it because if you want to be a professional, you’ll have to suck it up and smile. The only people who are important are the ones who do love and support you.

Also unless you pulled that manuscript out of a private area of your body IT IS NOT A BABY. It is a manuscript, a story, a book. Get a grip people the pages are not sentient. Also the next time I hear someone say this I am going to smack them in the head because they are on my last nerve.

3.      Even if I get a critique I don’t trust that person. I can’t get rid of Character X, I just can’t!

Sometimes critiques are stupid. Sometimes they are downright mean. Sometimes they are worthless. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. If you have four beta readers and three of them hit a certain spot and go, “Oh, heck no!” then you should listen. Never limit yourself to one critique from other writers.  

Eventually you’ll find a group of other writers that get you, and you get their work, too. You might go through a hundred people to find four. Do not give up. There are knowledgeable people out there. You’ll find that although some writers are at a newer level than you, they still can point out plot holes and make valid points. In return, when you return the favor and critique for them, you get reminded not to make those newbie mistakes. I’ve learned more from critiquing for others than I ever would have on my own.

You absolutely must put yourself out there. Even if it feels like people are hating on you. When you get a critique back, and want to scream or yell or lash out via email, stop. Wait a day or two or three and think about it. Whoever read for you gave you their valuable time and experience. They gave up having dinner with their family or their favorite television shows. They gave up hugging their children to help you so don’t be a butthead.

Then thank them for helping you and go and fix your story.

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Baby Evil Writers 101: Writing for a Living

Julie Butcher

I don’t think I’ve ever met a writer who doesn’t want to quit working, stay home and make their living from writing. Quitting the day job is the ultimate dream. The problem is making your dreams into reality. Those pesky children seem to want food every single day and then you need a roof, and electricity to run your laptop, and heat in the winter is a necessity and not a luxury. If this is a serious goal, you need to have a plan.

First of all, you have to sell some books. To live in a modicum of comfort, you need to have three books on the shelf for each and every member of your family. For most people this means that their career needs to be firmly established for ten years or more before they gain their freedom. During those ten years, you need to figure out some things.

1.      Where will the health insurance come from? If you are the working person who provides this necessity, you need to plan on paying for it yourself. It isn’t cheap. Unless you have a few hundred thousand dollars tucked away, this isn’t optional.

2.    Make a budget and learn to stick to it. An author gets paid twice yearly and that is a long time between paychecks. Ramen is good but it’s not that good. Also it will make you fat so there you go.

3.      Will any of your children be going to college when you plan to work at home? If so, add another book on the shelf for each child in college. Even scholarship students have expenses not covered by grants and loans

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4.      Pay off anything you can before you quit working outside of the home. You get bonus points for no mortgage and a decent, paid-for car that won’t need immediate repairs.

5.      Include in your budget traveling expenses for conferences and conventions. You’ll need the exposure and unless you’re a big time author, you won’t get your plane tickets paid for you

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6.      Don’t forget to set money aside for promotional items. Also don’t go nuts with these. It is kind of dumb to give away something that costs more than you make by selling a copy of your book.

Most of all you need to get into the habit of setting aside writing time each and every day and sticking to your schedule.  Working from home is still working. No work, no food. Easy-peasy.

Celebrate the little things (and the big things)

I think it's important to remember to celebrate things. A lot of people get so wrapped up in achieving things that it's hard to take a moment to enjoy the things that you've already achieved.

Not me. I freaking love celebrating stuff. Whether it's my birthday, my half-birthday, the fact that it's Friday, our anniversary (which it is today - happy 5 years, honey!), or just a particularly good hair day, I like to take the time to appreciate it. And eat dessert :)

So I think you should apply this theory to your writing. Yes, obviously celebrate selling your book to an editor or making the New York Times bestseller's list, but you don't need to wait for those monumental milestones to congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Some days, that's finishing a book. Some days, it's just getting 5 minutes worth of writing time that didn't suck. Some days it's thinking up a brilliant title for the next book that you haven't even plotted out yet. Some days it might be just thinking up a particularly witty tweet - or having a NY Times bestselling author tweet you back.

Writing can be solitary and it can be lonely and it can be HARD. So if you aren't finding the joy in just sitting down to write (which, some days you won't), then find the joy in anything at all. And celebrate it.

You're worth it! Because, gosh darn it, you're a writer. And the world needs more of those (and fewer reality TV show stars!) So that alone is worth celebrating (unless you are a reality TV star, in which case celebrate your 15 minutes of fame).

So go have a cookie on me! You deserve it!

Character names

I really enjoy the process of naming my characters. I think a lot about name meanings and research the history of the names before I finally settle on anything for a character. There are a lot of great sites out there for just that purpose.

Sites I like for character names:

http://www.behindthename.com/
(they even do last names - bonus!) http://surnames.behindthename.com/
http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/
superhero names: http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=superheronameorg
http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/meaning-search.html
http://www.thetop100babynames.com/index.htm

One thing that I really like to do is to read movie credits for people's names - I find it's a great way to get a variety of both first and last names that you might not come across otherwise. Plus you probably strengthen your eyeballs by trying to read all those names as they zip by.

I find it interesting when people just pick names randomly for characters, given how much time I put into naming mine - must be easy to just go with a gut feeling and stick with it.

Given all this time I've spent on researching character names, you'd think picking a baby name would be easy, right? Wrong. Apparently I have to take my husband's opinion into consideration. Weird. And, if I change my mind down the road, I'm apparently not allowed to do a "replace all" in the manuscript and just change the kid's name willy-nilly.

This is why fiction is better than reality  :)

What methods do you use to pick a character name?

Vacation, suckers...

Yeah, that's right. I'm going on vacation. Soon. In fact, give me an hour and a half and I'm out of here! But first, tying up loose ends: write this blog post, finish packing, plan what books I'm taking, and oh, yeah, I should probably finish up work (at my day job) while I'm at it.

I'm super excited about vacation, because it'll probably be the last one for a while, since the baby is coming soon. So it's our last hurrah.

But it'll be a working vacation. I have a lot of writing goals to get done. I need to finish up some edits and polish a manuscript for submission, and I should probably write something new. I hear that's good every once in a while.

In fact, I have so much writing stuff I need to get done, I'd probably be better off staying at home for the vacation than actually going anywhere, but I suspect that would defeat the purpose (and plus I'm pretty sure the husband would be annoyed at that).

One thing I do love about vacations is that I tend to step away from social networks - my Twitter checking goes way down, which can only increase my productivity. Some days, Twitter is great at connecting me with other writers and inspiring me to keep at this writing gig. Other days, it's just a massive time suck that could swallow my soul, if I let it (and some days I do).

So what do you guys think? Will I be able to achieve my writing goals while on vacation and still have a good time?  Duh. Stupid question. It's vacation! Of course I'll have a good time!   :)

Guest Post: Krista D. Ball on Writing Authentically

Hello, evil writers! Today we have a special guest post from author Krista D. Ball.

Krista is not only a fabulous speculative fiction writer, but she also has multiple non-fiction guides for writers. One of them, What Kings Ate and Wizards Drank: A Fantasy Lover's Guide to Food, is currently on sale for 99c. And while you're picking up that one, check her latest release Hustlers, Harlots, and Heroes: A Regency and Steampunk Field Guide.

As an evil writer, accuracy must be important to your writing, because while we might lie for a living, we must make those lies believable. These guides are must-reads for fantasy, historical, and steampunk writers.

Read on for an excerpt from HHH by Krista!

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Writing Authentically

When the movie, Belle, was officially announced this week, a lot of people complained about it. Jane Austen didn’t write black people. There weren’t wealthy black people in Britain. Nevermind that Belle is based on a real person…who had a black mother and a white father. I spent two hours explaining this to people before I rage-quitted the internet and opened a bottle of wine.

When I wrote Hustlers, Harlots, and Heroes, I wanted to include a chapter about the non-white experience in Georgian and Victorian London, and particularly Britain’s black population. Throughout the book, I tried to show that they weren’t only slaves, but also servants, businessmen, and even one was an aristocrat. It is tempting and easy to write an all-white world when writing history; it’s all many of us have been taught. Many of the famous paintings that I’ve seen in textbooks were all cropped, literally cutting away history until it was whitewashed.

Too many people justify the lack of people of colour in historical books for being “unrealistic” (nonsense in itself), yet they are perfectly okay with having a thousand single dukes roaming the British countryside. I think we can do better. But where to start? How do we write authentically about people who are cut out of the picture?

One of the most iconic moments in English literature is when Elizabeth Bennet visits Pemberley. She walks through a private gallery, depicting the various family members through the generations. If your heroine encounters such a scene, she will see plenty of great ladies and their young slaves painted in the background. Will your heroine side with the abolitionists? Will the rival anger her by laughing off her concerns about his aunt still keeping a black slave to comb her terrier?

Or what about people hiring the most qualified person, no matter their skin colour? What about let them be themselves and have their own friends? Samuel Johnson’s black servant, Francis Barber (a paid employee, not a slave), would invite his African countrymen over on a regular basis. Barber had an employer who treated him like a human being and this meeting was a sanctioned event within the house.1

One of the street performers interviewed by Henry Mayhew listed the jobs he’d seen worked by black people: errand-boys, coalheavers, shoemakers, tinmen, bricklayers. The list goes on and on; it’s quite extensive.

It wasn’t all sunshine and roses. Racism existed and was overt. There were clearly opportunities, the colour of one’s skin did impact one’s future. One of Olaudah Equiano’s employers suggested he go to Africa as a missionary, but the bishop of London refused to ordain him. Another man was unable to find work as a Schoolmaster or teacher in any form in 1815 because of his “so dark a complexion.”2

How would your heroine react to her family taking her to see Saartjie Baartman? Saartjie was put on display for her large buttocks and Regency gawkers paid 2s a ticket in 1810 to view her. Would your hero agree with The Times when they complained she was being treated like a wild animal? Will your heroine be writing anonymous letters to the Morning Post, complaining Baartman was being displayed like “a prize ox?”

John Ocansey, a black travelling in 1881, said he was generally well-treated but that he understood there was a certain attitude towards Africans that was uncomfortable, sometimes insulting. He had no desire to be in a position where he had to defend his people.3

Diversity isn’t a dirty word, nor is it pandering or political correctness. Instead, it’s just correct.

Do better. Strive higher. Be authentic.

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1 Peter Fryer. Staying Power. [New York: PlutoPress, 2010], 69
2 Fryer, 104
3 Gretchen Holbrook Gerzina, editor. Black Victorians/Black Victoriana. [New Jersey: Rutgers University Press, 2003]

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This is an excerpt from Krista D. Ball’s new novel, Hustlers, Harlots, and Heroes: A Regency and Steampunk Field Guide.

You can find out more about Krista's work at www.kristadball.com

How Skyla Got Her Groove Back

Remember this post? Remember how utterly miserable I've been for well over a year, writing but hating it, wanting nothing more than to close up shop and sell artisan hummus instead?

Well.

Last month, I finished a really rough draft of a book I'd started last year, and I'm now 53K words into the next book. I should finish it within the next few weeks. And I am enjoying every goddamn second of it, even when I think it's terrible, or incoherent, or reads like a video game on paper. I wrote 400K last year, but this...this is different.

I wake up in the morning...thinking about The Story.

I go through my day itching, using all of my concentration to work on paying gigs...while thinking about The Story.

My gaze trails to the side mid-sentence when I'm talking, brain tuning everything out...because I'm thinking about The Story.

When I finally, finally get to write, I'm practically jumping out of my skin and stay up far past my bedtime, getting in up to 9K some days...playing with The Story.

And I drift off to sleep, playing upcoming scenes in my head. I dream...dream of The Story.

It's obsessive and probably not healthy, and my apartment is a mess, and I've eaten so many nachos I probably smell like jalapenos...but by god it is GLORIOUS.

How did it happen, when I didn't think I'd ever be at this place again? Because, really, last year I thought this was it for me as a writer. I was done. I panicked at the thought of trying to find something else to do with my time, some other career. I was miserable.

If you find yourself in this place, where your words are broken and you're burnt out and unhappy...these are the steps that worked for me.

First, a caveat: I'm talking to the workaholics and career writers in the crowd. If you're a dabbler looking for someone to reassure you Writer's Block Is A Real Thing, you won't find it here. STFU and go sit in the corner, I don't have time for you.

Second: major credit goes to Lilith Saintcrow, for reassuring me I was going through a normal thing and giving me strategies for dealing. Go buy her books.

Now, here are some basic steps, broken writers.


1. Acknowledge This Is A Thing.

If you are churning out thousands of words but you still hate the process of writing; if you've lost that burning need to tell the story; if you'd rather watch Psych reruns and knit than write...you're burned out.

People are going to tell you that you're not broken, that your writing is fine, that it's all in your head. On one hand, yes, it's in your head. So are a lot of things.

It doesn't mean it's not real.

They're trying to be reassuring and mean well, but you don't need to be reassured right now; you need to be validated. So I'm telling you, this is an actual thing. You're not crazy, it's not just in your head. You are going through a real thing, and you can't recover until you acknowledge there's something you need to recover from.


2. Make Other Arrangements.

You're a professional writer? You have deadlines? Make other arrangements. Not always possible, I know, but you want the minimum amount of pressure right now. The self-imposed deadlines? Toss 'em. If you're writing to keep a roof over your head and you absolutely, 100% cannot set things aside, fine. But I'm going to go ahead and say it: if you can, get a part time job stocking shelves for a few months. Which sounds stupid and crazy, I know, but just do it.

And the reason for this is...


3. Stop Writing.

Just stop it.

Generally I tell people to never stop. Write through the suck. Write through the doubt. Write when it's hard and scary. Write through exhaustion.

You can't when you're burned out. Lili put me on a three month regime of exercise, refilling the well, and a limit of fifteen minutes of writing a day.

Of course, just when I was feeling it coming back, I lost my full time job and was thrown into a tailspin of panic and depression. I completely lost my focus--it was several months before I could buckle down and do things that required my brain, like reading and editing, etc. But the benefit there was that it forced even MORE months of rest onto me. Which was ultimately the best thing for me.


4. Let Go.

I tried to get back on the horse in January. And I hated it. Hated hated HATED it.

Then I said, fuck it.

Flipping that switch changed everything. I know it's cliche, but it's true: you have to let go ENTIRELY. Let go of the expectations. Let go of the pressure. Just say fuck this noise, I will write when I'm good and ready. Because the more you try to force it, the more damage you'll do to yourself, and the longer your recover will ultimately take.

Interestingly, also in January I had a particularly bad episode of dysphoric mania that *probably* should've hospitalized me if I wasn't so goddamn stubborn. It resulted in a week of being sedated in bed and, you know, it was probably the next best thing for me. Like a brain reset. Because I let go of absolutely everything, keeping a focus on getting better instead or worrying, and that somehow shuffled everything into place.


5. Be Aware.

I can't say how or when, but it'll click again.

If you have faith in nothing else, have faith in that. Just learn to pay attention and listen, and when you feel that tickling of the Story against your consciousness, listen to it. Follow it. Learn yourself, learn to know when you don't want to write because something's wrong with you versus when you're avoiding because you're a lazy bitch.



6. Take It Easy.

Writing after burnout--after a long absence--feels mentally like you've been in an accident and you're re-learning how to walk.

You can't push it. When I got started again in February, I was very careful--I knew trying for 5K days wasn't healthy. I started small, just 2K and 3K here and there. It was a month before I built up to long days.

It's scary. There's a constant feeling of doubt, of terror that the magic is suddenly going to slip away again. The need to second guess, to go back and edit, is stronger than ever. There's a shakiness, reworking muscles that haven't been in use, struggling to find the balance between stretching and not straining.

You can do more damage to yourself in these early stages. So don't push it. At the end of writing sessions, leave yourself wanting to do more than pushing so hard you're burned out again. If you have a particularly productive day, force a break the day after.


So there are my tips. That's how Skyla got her groove back.

Have you been through long-term burnout? What strategies would you offer others?

Favorite kids books?

Okay, I need a list of the best books for kids. I read SO MUCH as a kid, but I don't remember the books I read when I was really little, or rather, the books my parents read to me.

I feel like reading was such an important part of becoming a writer as an adult. I don't know of a single writer who doesn't read a lot as well. Stephen King said it best: “If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.” 

Obviously, not everyone reads at a young age - I suppose there may be people who got into reading when older. But for me, it started way before that. I don't remember learning how to read (that may be because I apparently suffered brain damage and don't remember most of my childhood), but I think it's because I learned to read before I started forming permanent memories. 

At any rate, I need books that I should stockpile now for the future kidlets. I mean, I have to brainwash my kids into loving books as much as I do, right?

So, speak up internet... what can't I miss?

Skye

It's Not Poisonous Unless You Put It In Your Mouth

Well, not exactly. For the most part, however, that's an accurate assumption, and it comes across the finish line as one of my very top "Pet Peeves."

Snakes are not poisonous...not even if you eat them. Neither are spiders, though I'm not sure there's enough people attempting to swallow either to be certain. Maybe a toxic species or two exists...but only if you eat it or rub it on your skin or all sorts of things you shouldn't do with snakes or spiders.

Poison, you see, is ingested or touched. VENOM is injected and that, my friends, is what those lovely fangs are for.

This is something that you need to get right, at least if you're writing about bites of any kind, evil giant insects, reptiles or anything venomous...VENOMOUS, meaning they inject an unlucky character through a bite of some kind. 

Poisonous critters do exist. If your Heroine takes to licking random frogs in the Amazon, she might certainly be poisoned. In fact, she should probably keep her hands off unidentified amphibians as well, as some toxins can quite easily take effect through skin contact. So, feel free to kill by poison if you choose, but please, make sure it's not a biting injury..

Bite=fangs(or grooved teeth)=VENOM

If you think about it, it sounds cooler anyway. I mean, many butterflies are technically "poisonous" but if one bit you it would probably just tickle or something equally harmless. 

Unless it was a venomous butterfly...and that's a story I just might have to write some day. 

Making Good Mac & Cheese

A few weeks ago, Mum was lamenting to me over the phone that she can't make macaroni and cheese.

She had just tried to do that for dinner and, according to her, it was TERRIBLE. She bought Velveeta cheese, thought it was going to be this lovely, creamy dish, and apparently it was awful and even the noodles didn't cook up right. Despite the cost and the work involved, she was giving leftovers to the dog.

"I just can't make macaroni like you," she said. "You can do that simple one pot kind and it's perfect--when I try it, it's always terrible."

She's right, I make pretty damn good mac and cheese. And not just one type, either. See, mac and cheese was my favourite food as a kid--still is the ultimate comfort food for me. I have a dozen different types, including: the cheap, one pot dish I cook in a dutch oven with a cheese soup base that makes enough food to feed an army; the gourmet kind I bake in the oven with various cheeses and a savory breadcrumb topping; the quick vegan kind with cashews; the time consuming vegan one with homemade aged cashew cheese; ones with veggie bacon, or roasted garlic, or broccoli, or a cayenne kick. And while I've browsed recipes for inspiration, I've never, ever used one directly while making one of these dishes.

I am the mac and cheese QUEEN. I could feed you a different type every day of the week without you getting sick of it.

Was I born with magic cooking genes? Is it all the virgin blood I add to the sauce in the name of the Dark Lord?

The thing I immediately thought of when Mum was complaining was all the times I've made mac and cheese that fucking SUCKED. Overcooked noodles. Not enough salt. Getting dried out in the oven. Having the wrong butter-breadcrumbs ratio.

I'm single now, and when I lived with someone for years, he wasn't home much. I've cooked a lot for myself, which meant no performance anxiety. The only person eating the food is me, so when it sucks, I shout FUCK, eat it anyway, and file away the experience as a lesson for next time. Mum's not a bad cook, she just doesn't cook from scratch as often as I do because she doesn't enjoy it, so she doesn't have the same amount of experience I do. She doesn't know what consistency to aim for, what it smells like when the cheese has browned just right in the oven, and she wouldn't dare add smoked paprika. But she still compares her practice efforts with the result of YEARS of experience fucking up the dish on my part.

Do you see where I'm going with this, writers?

You read a book sometimes and it's like OMG. It's a fucking revelation. The prose is stunning, the characterization is a work of art, and then, THEN, there was that plot twist that just wrenched your heart and made you sob.

And then you look at yours. My GOD, is that thing ever ugly. Every word just looks wrong. And it seems to SMELL. Like, really, there's an odor coming from your laptop every time you open the doc, and you're pretty sure it's not just you because the cat stares at you like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" every time you work on it.

But you've never seen the thousands of bad "mac and cheese dishes" that other person "prepared". All the times it over-boiled, burned, or otherwise went wrong. Before writing that perfect book you got in the bookstore, the author went through dozens of imperfect books. And before the perfect one became perfect, it was flawed, and went through lots of stages of polish.

If you were living in their kitchen (aka office), hovering over their shoulder, sampling all of these "meals" for years, your perspective would change entirely. The difference between a bad cook and a good cook is one persevered through a few hundred bad dishes to develop the skills and intuition that leads to an excellent meal.

It's fine to strive toward excellence, but don't compare your practice efforts with someone's finished results. It's not magic and it's not out of reach.

They've just been doing a lot of cooking.

The Not-So-Gentle Art of Self Manipulation

First off, let me just say that after reading Dina's previous post, I had to resist the urge to open this one by wailing about my writer's block...

 Don't try to break the writer's block, Neo.
 Try to realize there is no writer's block.

 Which, of course, there isn't. And I, of course, did not come off the holidays with a scorching case of it. What I did do was take my annual "I'm not going to do it and you can't make me" break.
 This is a whole different thing.

Today I wanted to talk about "know thyself." And since Dina did a perfect job of debunking writer's block, we're all caught up.
What I experienced was, as she put it, one of my issues. I get stubborn and burned-out. Everyone does. If you feel burned-out and resistant to write. You are in good company.

One trick to getting out of it (the funk not the company) is to know your currency. I've posted about currency before. As a parent, its a very big topic for me. Currency is like motivation but more manipulative. I believe when you're trying to motivate yourself, manipulative is the best sort of medicine. It's not the healthiest, if therapists can be believed, but it's very effective.

In parenting and writing, effective trumps healthy every time. We want results, and results come from knowing which buttons to push.

My button looks a lot like reverse psychology. If I tell myself, there's no point, your writing sucks, no one reads your stories anyway. No one loves you, you bad, bad writer. I know I will only sink into a deep depression from which only the very best chocolate can pry me. But if I say, "Maybe you can't do it. Maybe, you should just quit and take up spider breeding. I think spider breeding is your true calling and this writing thing was just a silly fad." I'll be writing before you know it. (and possibly browse some spider catalogs, but that's a different problem)

Reverse psychology works on me, but maybe distraction works for you. Maybe you need a shiny new story idea, or a new setting to write in.. Maybe you like bribes. A brand new pen or laptop might do it. Reassurance? A pat on the back and a comforting hug (which would only make me feel pathetic and spiral deeper into depression.) might be the remedy you need.

The thing is, humans are very predictable creatures. We have patterns within our patterns. And we are very easily conditioned. I think, even more easily trained than fleas. (which take the scientific booby prize of being the most easily conditioned critter around) If we pay a lot of attention to what works and what doesn't, we can come up with a pretty solid formula for success.
It just has to be tailored to our buttons.

Learn your buttons. Map your patterns and not just writing but everything can get a lot easier.
They're hard to see from inside a funk, though. So wait till you're fresh enough to see clearly. Then, get a big picture view, look at past hiccups, and find the repeating cycles.

Write them down. Remember.

That's probably the hardest part. Remembering to think about your patterns when you're neck deep in them. Still, if its on paper somewhere (maybe taped to your forehead) it's hard to deny for long.
Even if what you need to spiral back up again is just time, knowing that can make the waiting more productive. I agree with "writers write". But if your issues have you on "hiatus" you can still be planning how to get writing again. You can be working. You can be productive. If you just aren't writing now, you can still be plotting, editing, blogging...doing.

The point is, do what it takes to get you writing again. Motivate, manipulate, bribe, whatever, but keep in mind that we want results.
No whining...unless whining will make you write. No self abuse...unless that's the ticket to you making words again. Maybe you can't write non-stop forever, but the goal is definitely to write as soon as possible.
And that's my moral. If it doesn't get you writing, STOP IT.
If it does, who am I to judge?

Write on, MacDuff.
~Frances

What I did over my winter vacation...

Well, I broke the blog, for one thing. Migrating some stuff totally screwed it all up and then I got busy... so yeah, I'm the reason you had to get back to the delicious evilness we keep serving up here. Sorry about that. My bad.

Actually, you know what? Suck it. I don't feel that bad about it. Probably because I'm evil. :)

What else did I do? Ate too much, spent time with friends and family, you know, the usual.

Oh, and I signed a contract for another book. So yay me.

What didn't I do?  Write a damn word. Ugh. I feel worse about this than breaking the blog. I had good intentions, but the annoying about being an adult is that even though it's the holidays, I didn't get a vacation. We usually travel to be with family for Christmas, but this year they traveled to us, so that meant I got to work all through the holidays. Yay?

And I didn't get all that good writing time on airplanes because I was too busy being a good employee and dealing with year end crises and crazy clients. Annoying people. If I didn't have to work with people, my job would be great. Just saying.

Anyways, so no time off = no writing. Because the time I wasn't at work, I was with family.

BUT, I am going on vacation soon. Which means WRITING!! I may be the only person who takes vacations just so they can work at writing. I mean, and see all the beautiful sights of wherever it is we're going, of course. Or something.

So vacation to me means taking a much needed break from the stresses of my real job and working on my fun job - the writing job. I find it very difficult to write while I'm working, because unless y'all want to read book after book about a lawyer who murders her deeply annoying clients, I feel like I don't have a lot to write about.

I need to figure out how to change my attitude. Or better yet, figure out how I can quit my job and not live on the street.

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Baby Evil Writers 101: The Holidays

Julie Butcher

So now that a few of you have off for the holidays, I'm sure your evil glee extends to sending queries! You have time, you have a computer. Your internet is working, so why not?

No. Because the agents are all like this—

And the editors are all like this—

I know this because I am a writer and I am all like this—

Even my kids are all like this—

And the dog—

And the cat—

Everyone is all like this—

So, wait until after the New Year, mkay?

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginings Part Two

Baby Evil Writers 101: Beginnings Part Two

Julie Butcher

When you meet a new friend, and they’re nice to you, then you like them. In a book, we can only stand in the shadows and watch to see if we like a character. We notice what they do, how they treat others, how they speak, if they're an asshat—or not.

We judge them. With their actions and dialogue in only a few pages, we make a final decision if we want to spend time in their world. If you don’t believe me, go and people watch at the bookstore. Customers don’t skip to the middle, they look on the first page.

So this is why your beginning is the most important part of the story. If you can’t hook the reader, the rest of the book is a waste of your time. I content edit books for a lot of people and I’ve noticed a few things that happen often enough to be trends.

1.       The character is alone. Okay guys, when you’re at the park or the store and you’re say, waiting in a line. Do you watch someone quietly standing by themselves or do you watch a couple talking, or a boisterous family? Now, if you are watching the guy by himself and he’s talking to no one, do you want to hike yourself across the store for a visit with the crazy person? Of course you don’t. People who talk to themselves are dangerous—certainly more so that a couple or a family. If you wouldn’t go right into that book and talk to the character, don’t write it that way.

2.       The character is angry, or depressed, or just being a booger-head. We all have friends who have bad days and we have to deal with them and their problems because they are already our friends. If I meet someone and they’re glowering, and kicking puppies, and farting or whatever—the first thought in my head is absolutely not that I want to spend time with them. Oh heck no.

3.       The character is responding to someone else. Your main character should be the first one to speak. It is his story. He should be the one to steer the conversation boat. The first thing out of his mouth should be positive. (We like to meet positive people) His first action should be a tiny glimpse into his soul. Is he gallant? He can hold the door open for someone. Is he brave? He could chase a criminal or grab a child out of traffic. Is his family the most important thing in his life? He could call his mom to say hello. Yes, most of these things are kind of boring . But we need to see your main character as a likeable person before all of the terrible things happen to him. If we don’t like him, we could care less if he loses all his money or if he fails a test or if someone smashes his car.

4.       The character is looking in a mirror. We don’t need to know what he looks like, we need to know who he is, where he is, what he’s doing, and how he treats people. Don’t insult your reader by thinking that they’re so shallow that they’ll like someone because of their looks. How rude.

Right now don’t worry about the perfect first sentence. Let us meet your character for a page or two before the end of the world happens. Let us like him because that is important.

Finding Your "Avengers"

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the show) premiered when I was fourteen and I was instantly in love. The characters were a year older than me and I immediately identified with them, adored the dialogue and the writing, and it was hugely foundational for me. As a young writer, I was less interested in the actors than I was the writers of the show, and as the years went by, I began looking them up and following their other work. Of course, Joss Whedon was the focus of this, as he was the creator of the show.

So I immediately followed Firefly as it aired, and was crushed by its cancellation as so many others were. And Buffy's (at the time) conclusion. And Angel's cancellation. And Firefly's big screen continuation, Serenity, when it did not do so well.

Then a new show was on the horizon--Dollhouse! Would this one survive without network interference? Would I get another seven years of something I love? No, it had two short seasons (and look, I liked Dollhouse, and this post is not the place to bitch about what shows you liked or didn't like--I do recognize it was polarizing) before being cancelled.

Whedon was fairly obscure to a lot of people. Even with all of this work produced, if I brought up his name, I'd get a lot of, "Huh?" outside of geek circles. His Wonder Woman project didn't get off the ground either.

Then came The Avengers.

One of the highest grossing films of all time. Almost universally loved by everyone. I adored it and up until that point hadn't seen any of the related Marvel films. Hell, you say "Avengers", I think of Emma Peel (which I make no apologies for).

But that film was HUGE, it put Whedon the map in a way he wasn't before, and it afforded him a lot of new opportunities.

What is my point? Oh, I have one. Thank you for holding on for it.

Writers, sometimes you suffer setbacks because there is something greater for you waiting in the wings.

You work and you slave over a project you love. You put your heart and soul into it. And maybe it's good. Maybe it's fucking awesome. Maybe it's original and sharp and wonderful.

But maybe people don't respond to it. Maybe it's too hard to define, or the market's saturated. Maybe it's not the right time for it. Regardless, it's rejected. Whether by agents, or editors, or readers, that project doesn't really get off the ground.

We run into these blocks because they force us to grow. They force us to look for a new path. They make us problem solve, they make us start fresh.

This is one of the reasons why I encourage people to keep writing new books instead of pinning everything on one project. Why I don't think that, when your first series is rejected, you should immediately self-publish and forgo writing new books. Like your characters who are made stronger when forced to find ways around the obstacles you toss in their path, so are you.

I have hit these blocks over and over again. It sucks. It hurts. It's tiring. I wish certain a certain series did better as there are more books I want to write, but if it had, I wouldn't've gone back to the drawing board and created a new series--one that I am head over heels in love with. I don't know if it'll sell, but the process of writing it made me a better writer than I would've been if I just stayed with the same books for years. I have twenty-six finished books, dozens started, short stories and novellas all over the place, and each one forced me to learn and grow and become better at what I do.

There is a lot out of your control as a writer. You can't make people like or even READ your work. You can't dictate how your career will go. You can't force a home run. Now, you can practice your swing. You can put in the work to be better. But when you get up to bat, there are going to be all kinds of things out of your control: all you can do is swing.

If the ball doesn't connect, or it does but you hit a foul, or you strike out over and over...the only chance you'll have at hitting a home run in the future is if you keep on getting up to bat. If you keep on swinging.

There is no guarantee. And yeah, it might not be fair. I wish there was more Firefly. I would've liked to see Dollhouse grow and develop over time. But Whedon kept on moving forward, past every obstacle, and ended up with the motherfucking Avengers.

You can too. Your home run is out there. Keep swinging.