Time and Time Again

As this is my last post of 2014, I thought it appropriate to talk about the passage of time.

A lot of people use this part of the year to look back and see all that's gone on (or all that hasn't...), and make plans for next year.

Now, time management is great and all, but in the professional writing business, "time" is a varying concept. Let me explain using a very broad example of a timetable:

Writing of zero draft (this is the draft that just gets the story out - for your eyes only. No, not even your betas get to see this one): a few weeks to a few months (Stephen King recommends "a season" to write.)

Aging between zero draft and first draft revision: six weeks or so

First draft revision: a month or so, sometimes less depending on how cleanly you write

Beta readers: a few days to a few weeks depending on their availability

Revision based on their feedback: varies - let's say a month for shits and giggles

Time elapsed on Project - 7-8 months, give or take. Sometimes less, sometimes more.

For the purposes of this post, let's use 6 months as a baseline, just to make things easier.

So, let's say Project is all pretty and shiny and ready for querying after 6 months of work. (Hint: this is a stellar achievement. Finishing a novel is awesome in its own right, but to have it ready to query in 6 months? Go you! Fuckin' A!)

Now you follow the submission guidelines for each agent you're going to query. Some agents on your list might be closed to queries for whatever reason, so they get put on the back burner until they open again, so there's some waiting there on that. Others that are open have anywhere from a couple days to 3 month response times depending on various factors, so for the purposes of this post, let's go with the longest response time. (Note: This includes "no response means no interest" queries. The agents using a policy of NRNI ["no response, no interest"] usually give a time in their guidelines as to when you should hear back by if they're interested. Look for it.)

So, 6 months to write and polish (and again this is stellar - some authors write faster, some are slower. These are rough estimates, not absolute law. Chill.), and another 3 months wait for a response to your query. That's 3/4 of a year on a single project, right there. 9 months, people. That's enough time to gestate and give birth to a human infant.

Stop laughing - the comparison is apt. You're creating lives, here. Fictional ones, but lives nonetheless. There's a reason many in the writing game refer to their work as "their baby."

But I digress.

Back to the 9 months of Project. Keep in mind that 9 months on Project is barring any accident, illness, injury, or happenstance. This 9 months doesn't account for Life Happening or anything else. This is a bare-bones scenario.

So let's be generous and realistic and give you 3 months for Issues. Now you're up to a year in Project.

Now let us say the stars align, everything is shiny and happy, and Project lands you an agent! WHOO HOO! YEAH, BABY! That's what it's all about! That's what it's all been for! Now- wait, what? What's this? They have suggestions for changes? Oh. Okay. Add another month.

Awesome! They love the changes! Now it's off to sale! (Add another month or three or six, possibly longer, maybe never. But wait! There's more!)

Yay! Project sold! You have a book deal! Awes-wait? What's this?

Oh, would you look at that! A revision letter (or editing letter, or whatever else it might be called by you or your agent or house or whatever)! It's HOW many pages long? No problem. You can knock that out in a couple months if you work hard. Maybe less. What? It's needed back by WHEN? Oh, hell. You'll have to work harder and longer to meet that, but okay, it can happen.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WON'T BE PUBLISHED FOR ANOTHER YEAR?

Well, yeah! Commercial publishing is a slow business! "You rush a miracle, you get rotten miracles!"

WHY AM I KNOCKING MYSELF OUT WITH ALL THIS HARD WORK IF IT'S NOT GOING TO BE AVAILABLE FOR ANOTHER YEAR?

Because. Because reasons. Because stuff you don't have to concern yourself with, but part of it is because there are other books out there besides yours and you have to wait your turn. That's right. More waiting. Things take time. Some things take more time than others, but there's never enough for all the things you want to do.

That book that won't be out for a year? Write another one so it will be ready while the other one is in the oven. (Shut up - I know that's another pregnancy metaphor. People all around me are spawning, all right? I may also be knitting things for small humans, so SHUT UP.)

The point here is, not only does the actual writing of Project take a lot of time, the sale and publication part takes even more. In addition to that, you're going to have to devote more time to Project than you ever thought you would. This is why it's said that you need to love the story you've written, because you're going to be writing it again, and again, and again, and yet again before it leaves your hands for good. Using the "baby" comparison from above, that thing has a lot of growing up to do before it's ready to go off into the big, scary world all alone. You're going to be spending a LOT of time with Project, so settle in. Get comfy. Put on your loungie pants and get a cup of tea. You and Project will be together for a long time. You'd better love that world you created, because you're going to be spending more time there than you think.

So take the time that you do have and do something with it. Like write. Don't just sit around waiting for something to happen, because if you do that, you'll always be waiting.

This concludes your Gothic Goddess Eviltry for 2014. The ELEW is going on our annual holiday hiatus for the year starting on the 22nd (there will be a post detailing this), but we'll be back next year with more evil!

Meanwhile, KEEP WRITING.

STFU About Anyone "Taking a Chance" On You

It's the newly signed/published author refrain. They say it in interviews, guest posts, book dedications and acknowledgments.

"Thank you [agent/editor/publisher] for taking a chance on me/the book."

It's a sweet sentiment, born of gratitude. It's recognizing that there are thousands and thousands of people who are striving for the same goal that you've now achieved, people you feel no different from. Whether your little book is plucked out of slush or whatever happened, you feel special--the wallflower someone recognized was pretty and invited to dance.

It's a romantic view of publishing. And a fucking stupid one, so stop it.

Gratitude is a good thing (never, ever lose sight of it). Yes, be thankful for the excellent people you work with. Be thankful for their guidance and advice, the experience they share with you.

But any chance taken on your work is a calculated financial decision.

Publishers/agents/etc aren't doing you a "favour" when they sign your book or you as an author: they are making a business decision regarding something they think they can make money on. They are engaging in a partnership with another business--YOU. They are not the handsome prince saving you from a life of cleaning your evil stepmother's house in rags and singing to mice.

They took on your book, invested money in it, because they thought they could sell it to lots of people and make both of you money.

Yes, they love your book. Yes, they take on very few books. Yes, you've accomplished something great--you wrote well and you wrote something people might want to read. Yay you!

But this starry-eyed view of publishing/publishers/etc and advancement of the publishers-are-charity narrative doesn't help you. Instead, it makes it that much easier to be screwed over when you start viewing the weight of power as entirely on their side and none on yours.

You're a business. You're supplying something to a publisher--books--that they then supply to readers. Without your content, they can't make money. Sure, by "your", I mean writers in general--not YOU-you. There are always more books, more authors, etc. But you have far, far more value and power than you give yourself credit for.

I worked in acquisitions. And yes, out of 1200 submissions I'd only take a couple. A couple that I thought would sell. Books I loved that I thought other people would love too--enough people to justify the money spent publishing them. I wasn't doing writers any favours by accepting their work for publication. Doing favours would be a fast track to losing my job, which relied on picking profitable projects that I had to justify to my boss spending any money on. There's a gamble there, yes, as not every book will be profitable, even if it seems like a sure thing (and the more sure-things I did go with, the more room I had to gamble with other tougher sells). But I was making fairly educated guesses based on market trends, existing book sales, and my experience as an editor--I wasn't randomly plucking books out of a hat.

I was grateful to the writers who were submitting their work to me. Every time I got a fantastic, well-done book in slush, I thanked the publishing gods above and crossed my fingers they'd accept the contract and I'd have the opportunity to work with them. Hell, now I work almost exclusively with self-published authors now as a freelancer and I am STILL so damn grateful to get a well-done book to edit or have the opportunity to create a cover for a great novel.

You know who else took a chance on your book? You did.

You took a chance by writing it. You took a chance by submitting it for consideration and doing all the work that entailed. There are plenty more guaranteed profitable things you could be doing with your time. You have tons of ideas and characters speaking to you, you have to decide what to invest your time and energy in, and you took a chance on the one that you ended up writing. Do not give anyone more credit than you've given yourself when it comes to these "chances" that have been taken.

You have power as a writer. You have options. You don't have to accept a contract. You can request changes to the contract terms. Depending on the size of the publisher, you can speak up about cover art. You can question what your publisher is doing to market a book. You can remind them you are partners in this publishing endeavor who both want the book to succeed. Now, I suggest doing so with patience and friendliness, of course, remembering that people in publishing are hella-busy and spread thin. They're also people, not a giant faceless thing, but actual people who are worth being decent to.

But any publisher, particularly among small ones, who act like you should be grateful for the sheer fact that they offered to publish your book--who neglect to answer your business questions, or who respond to them with a "my way or the highway" attitude instead with reasoned explanations--is one to be cautious of. Yes, they provide a valuable service in publishing your book and getting it into the hands of readers...

So do you, however. You provide the book. You wrote something they thought they could sell.

And keeping that in the forefront of your mind--that you are a business, you have power, and publishing is about partnerships--is a less romantic view of things but ultimately a healthier one that will serve you better as your career develops.

I Wrote Stuff! Now What?

Welp, here it is, the first day of December. Go on, you can freak out for a minute…it's okay.

Finished? Good. Moving on, then.

What today means (besides only having 30 days left in the whole of 2014) is that NaNoWriMo is over, and if you were participating, you should have a grand total of 50k+ shiny new words on a project. Now, what to do with those shiny new words?

Well, add more to them, first of all. 50k words really doth not a novel make, so you'll need to fix that. And speaking of fixing, after you get that count up to somewhere in the 80k range (for an adult novel – YA can be a bit less), now you LET IT SIT for a good long while. Six weeks, say. That's what Stephen King does when he finishes something – he puts it in a drawer for a month and a half.

I know, I know. I hear you now. It's your baby. You can't leave it. It's cruel to leave a newborn out to fend for itself! It can't-

Let me tell you something about that newborn manuscript. It's not an infant. It's a fucking egg. It needs time to develop before it hatches, so make like a birdie (or a platypus, if you want to be an egg-laying mammal) and sit on it for awhile. Magic things are happening while it's under your feathery ass. When it's time for it to hatch, that is when you bring it food and watch it grow and tend to it until it's ready to leave the nest.

Note that: tend to it until it's ready to leave the nest.

Translation: revise the ever-loving hell out of it before inflicting it on others.

Now, some eggs are bad. Some eggs don't hatch. And we all know the old saying about how "you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." What does all this mean?

Well, just what it says. Some things you write aren't good and should be thrown at asshats who cruise through your neighborhood at 3AM with their bass up so loud it deregulates your heart rhythm. Some things you write just aren't quite there yet and need more help to grow, so put them in the incubator (called "trunking" – all writers have a trunk novel or ten) and maybe come back in a year and see if they're ready to hatch. And the other thing? Yeah. Sometimes in order to write something good, you have to write a bunch of crap that's not. In fact, that's how it usually works.

Writing is a ladder, and we all start at the bottom. No one – no, not even Big Name Writer of Brilliance – started out at the top. Some might have climbed a little faster than others, and some may be stuck at a particular spot, but the trick is to keep climbing. Even when it hurts. Even when you're so tired and it feels like you're not making progress. Even when you've slipped down a few rungs. Hell, a lot of writers slip all the way back to the bottom and have to start over, and the ones that do are the ones that make it. Why?

Because they don't give up. Perseverance is the key to success, but there's a line between perseverance and pesterage. There's determination and there's desperation.

Now, I'm not saying "know when to quit." I'm not the fucking Gambler over here (aaaaaand I just showed my age….). I never advocate quitting. What I do advocate is reevaluation. If something repeatedly isn't working, it might be time to ask why that is instead of trying to force it to. It doesn't do any good to smack a TV that isn't plugged in and expect it to work. What's that thing about the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I've talked about that here before – if all your rejections say the same thing, it might be time to look to what they're addressing. If you're getting nothing but rejections, it might be time to take a look at your query letter.

And if you make changes and nothing happens, well…it might be time to set that one aside and move on to something else. Because you're a writer, and there is always another project. Yes, even if you feel like there isn't.

So, once you've finished that NaNo novel, put it away and look at it again next year. February will be here before you know it.

Baby Evil Writers 101: How Long Does Publishing Take

Baby Evil Writers 101: How long does it take to get published?

Julie Butcher

Write a million words.

So you see my sweet evil babies, it all depends on you. If you wrote one thousand words a day, every day. Then, in one thousand days, you would have your million words. But even the most fervent writer doesn’t work each and every day. The evil children must be fed and if you miss the evil queen mother’s birthday—you’re toast.

So let’s assume that you do not write for two days of the week and that you do write for five days. (Like a real job) Now you’re down to twenty-two days per month or 264 days per year and this doesn’t count holidays. Let’s take away twenty days for holidays and making dinners and birthdays and blowing up stuff on appropriate holidays. Now we have 244 days per year.

“Oh!” You say. “That is 244,000 words or around three manuscripts.”

Not so much. You’ll spend twice the time editing that you do writing—if you do it correctly. It will take a lot longer because you are new at evil. After a few books you’ll only use one day to edit for every day you write. Eventually, you won’t have to edit hardly anything because you learned all of the things. But now, that takes away from your actual working time so you’ll have one book to edit and I’ll be generous and say that your book is 100,000 words.

There’s one tenth of what you need to be awesome. Ten years until awesome hits the shelves.

Unfortunately, most of us are not quick learners. All of your words need to be filled with evil and wonder. Each word needs to further the plot of your book. Add two or three years to learn to plot without holes and to write concise sentences. (At 1.000 words per day it will take that long.)

Now we’re at twelve years if you write 1,000 words five days each week.

So put on your big kid pants, put your butt in the chair, and write. Dreaming about writing will not get you there. Stalking agents and editors on twitter will not make you one word closer. The one and only thing that will make your journey faster is to write.

Wherein Mama Bitchstress Puts You in the Corner and Makes You Think About What You've Done

I traumatized a few people on Twitter last night because I ran into something horrific and had to share the pain.

It was a book on Kindle (of course), self-published (of course), in which the author was arguing with negative reviews. The book in question--fiction, and romance (or possibly erotic romance at that)--was written in all caps.

All caps.

Yes, THOSE ALL CAPS.

Also, it was riddled with spelling errors (like "eys" for "eyes"), wrong word usage ("bare" for "bear"), had almost no paragraph breaks, and...did I mention it was IN ALL CAPS?

The author's defense of this is that a) she is a new author, b) these books are "in progress", c) they're written purely for enjoyment (although she is charging $2.99 a pop for them), d) she works at a pantry kitchen and some of the money made will be going to feed the homeless.

No. No. No. Annndddd...no.

Listen to Loki. He only wants what's best for you.

I bring this up because this is not an isolated incident. Talk to anyone and you'll hear stories of books being sold on Kindle that flat out say "this book is a draft/work in progress" and "I can't afford an editor" in the description.

Come. Come sit at my feet as I have something very important to tell you. Lean in close. I want you to remember this.

YOU DO NOT PUBLISH BOOKS THAT ARE NOT READY TO BE SOLD.

Readers should not be paying for the "privilege" to be your betas or your editors. "Writers" who do this are the reason we can't have nice things.

If I go to a restaurant and pay money for food, I don't expect to be given a plate of lumpy mashed potatoes and still-frozen vegetables with someone's spit in a glass in place of water because the chef is "still learning." If I pay money for a meal, I expect it to be, you know, COOKED and well-prepared.

If I pick up a movie I've paid money for, I don't expect to see the actors fubbing their lines, mics in the scene, and the director walking in the background, with everything over a blue screen and no special effects added. If I see a movie, I expect it to be, you know, FINISHED.

When you ask someone to shell out money for your product, you damn well need to be sure it's the best fucking product and worthy of that money. There are hundreds of thousands of books out there--readers have a lot of options. They pay our bills, they support this industry, and they deserve the very best.

KDP is not where you put something "purely for enjoyment". You put shit up on your website or blog if that's what it's for and don't charge money for it. KDP is not where you go to find beta readers. You go to online writer groups and try to find crit partners. KDP is not where you go to find an editor. You find online resources for self-publishers and hire someone.

"But Mama Bitchstress, I can't afford--"

Stop it.

If you CHOOSE to self-publish--and it is a choice, no one is holding a fucking gun to your head--then you spend the money to have someone edit the work and put out a decent cover (not slap some Papyrus text on a poorly sized stock photo you threw into MS Paint). If you're charging readers money for something, you damn well better give them something WORTHY of that money. If you cannot afford an editor, then don't self-publish. Period. Full stop. The end. We all know normal typos happen, especially in longer works, but three or four of those is a far cry from BOOKS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS WITH NO PARAGRAPH BREAKS OMG SOMEONE SHOOT ME.

If Mama Bitchstress catches you pulling this kind of shit, I am going to come in to your house and take your keyboard away and I won't give it back until you've had time to think about what you've done. If you argue, I am going to beat you to death with that keyboard, pull out a Ouija board, call your spirit up from hell--where people who self-publish without an editor go, and they have to read SLUSH, 24/7--to yell at you some more.

This isn't just about readers, though.

This is about you.

Presumably you want a career, yes? You want to be around ten years from now? Do you really want people to associate you with a book written in all caps?

Let me tell you, you will be judged on what you've written regardless of what stage you were at when you wrote it. I am. All the time. And I'm not even talking about something as absurd as I've mentioned above--I'm talking about books that aren't terribly written, and have been edited, and are still young. They're not as I'd write them now but I don't get to go back in time and alter scenes I wrote when I was a twenty-one-year-old kid. And neither will you.

Respect yourself. Respect readers. Don't be in such a fucking rush.

Also, readers, please stop buying books that admit to only being drafts or works in progress. Because even if you one-star and return it later, you're only encouraging these people.

@skyladawn Any book description that admits to being a draft.... should be like a trap. Anyone who buys it gets their Kindle taken away.
— Wendy Sparrow (@WendySparrow) November 11, 2013

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent #1

Baby Evil Writers 101: Finding a Reputable Agent Step #1

Julie Butcher

Once you’ve finished a manuscript, it’s easy to jump right into sending hundreds of letters to literary agents. Maybe you get a list from a friend, or sign up for a website that lists agents who represent the genre of book that you write. They’re an agent and so inherently have the evil goodness that you’re searching for, right?

Not so my sweet minions of evil.

 I personally know many writers who lost YEARS OF THEIR LIVES by signing with an agent who was so not the cream center of the Twinkie. I know it is hard not to grab the first agent that says they like your work. Querying is a horrible, mind and spirit breaking process, but it needn’t make your brain leak out of your ears, or your lack of common sense flush all of your hard work down the toilet of fail.

What you write may be art but, this is a business guys, and you need to know stuff.

 Today, I’ll focus on one way you can positively know that an agent is honest, and that they’ll have your best interests at heart. (There are lots of different checks and balances you can do, and this is just the first.)

Is this agent a member of AAR? (Association of Author’s Representatives)

The literary agents of AAR are the super-agents of the publishing industry. They have a Cannon of Ethics and strict guidelines that they must adhere to in order to stay a member. Because of the difficult membership requirements, an AAR agent is more likely to be in publishing for the long haul, and not someone who informs their clients of a career change on Facebook. (Yes, this happened.)

So, before you query everyone and their dog, start with the AAR list of agents.

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Julie Butcher

So, I have been watching everyone on Twitter and Facebook make their choices about what they’ll try to achieve in 2013. The thing about resolutions is that you’re supposed to actually do them. You’re making a promise to yourself that you will accomplish these goals. You might want to think twice about a few I have heard.

  I will get an agent/editor.  ßBAD IDEA

Ummm…no. First of all, the agent or editor chooses you. You pick who to query with your work but after that, the words are all you have. Also, you don’t get them. You work together as a team. The better goal would be to say, I will send out 100 polished, edited, queries in 2013. You can control this resolution while the first is really up to fate.

  I will get a book deal.  ß BAD IDEA

Once again, this isn't within your control. You cannot force anyone’s hand. You cannot make a deal—unless, of course, you make your own fake publishing company and self-publish your story. If all you want is to see your words in print, then go ahead. But don’t expect Goofball and the Amazing Muse to sell like Fifty Shades of Grey. You have a better chance of winning the lotto.

  I will make a bestseller list.  ßBAD IDEA

Of course we would all like to see our book in the top ten lists of The New Your Times. I’m happy for every single writer who is on that list. But, once again, you have no control over whether you make a list or not. All you can control is your writing. You can make yourself sit at the keyboard. You can make yourself outline and write a killer synopsis. You can’t make the faceless masses buy your book. There are names for people who try to force others to do things. Most of them I wouldn't use in public.

   I will write like it is my job.  ßGOOD IDEA

If you have the goal of writing, and actually making green money from your books, you’d better get in the habit of making it your work. This is a resolution that, for the most part, you can control. Of course, if an airplane crashes into your house, you get a free pass and a do-over.

   I will think before I hit SEND on an email. ßEVEN BETTER IDEA

I firmly believe that most writers shoot themselves in the foot agent-wise. They get a form rejection, and fire off an email quicker than snap. A rejection is only that. Your work isn't ready, or it isn't a story that the agent/editor loves. It isn't a reflection on you, your brain, your heart, or your children. Until you click send, the door to that particular agent/editor is open. The very second you pop off that blistering tirade, the door closes forever.

  I will edit the literal crap out of my work to the best of my ability.  ßBEST IDEA EVER!

Editing your own work is difficult, but not impossible. You definitely need a group of beta readers to help you find where what was in your mind didn’t land on the page. You can see your characters like they’re standing in the room. They’re ingrained in your imagination so well that unless you put your work away for weeks (and possibly months if your memory is good), you literally cannot find the mistakes. Editing makes the difference between getting an agent/editor, and singing the blues.

But no matter what you said on January first, give your resolutions a good think, and change them if you need to. Unrealistic goals set you up to fail, and no one needs that, right?

Can you believe it's almost December?

Woah. I can barely grasp the concept that it's fall, much less that tomorrow will be December. This year has flown by. I have a few things to chat about today:

First, it's the last day of NaNoWriMo - how did everyone do? I just finished my 50,000 with just a few hours to spare. I'd like to blame getting sick in the last couple of days for being so right up against the deadline, but really, I didn't get too far from the daily word count to ever really pull ahead of the game this year. Anyone else power through it and come out a winner? If not, don't worry too much. There's always next November. Or April, if you want to do a screenplay!

Second, were you aware of the fact that our very own Gothic Goddess, Dina James, is turning 35 this weekend? I already sent her a present, but if you want to get in on the fun, go to her online birthday party. Skyla's bringing cute boys. Okay, just one, but that's enough, right?  For details, go here:  #evilcake35

Third, I'm sick. I think I mentioned that already, but with my brain slowly dribbling out my nose, it's hard to be sure what's' real and what's a weird fever dream. I always have the weirdest dreams when I'm sick. I'd like to think illness could be excellent fodder for my writing, but in reality, I often dream about work stuff and wake up stressed out that the family trust is going to accidentally disinherit a child and oh my god... Yeah, my brain sucks. Give it some free time and instead of brainstorming, it makes me dream horrible dreams about my lawyer job. BORING!

Fourth, it's almost December!  I know I said I can't believe it's almost here, but it's true. I can't. That doesn't mean I'm not excited! This year was kind of crappy (remember my whole husband-has-cancer thing? yeah, that blew. but he's better now!) and I'm ready for a fresh start. Also, I love cold weather and theoretically, winter is the time to bring that. Unfortunately, I live in the central coast of California, so winter here often looks like mid-70s weather. Bring on the snow!

And finally, fifth. Something about writing. Oh yes, I remember. Now that you've plunked down your 50,000 hard-won words for NaNoWriMo, please, please, PLEASE, do not start submitting those words willy-nilly to editors and agents. Make December National Novel Editing Month and they'll love you that much more. Editors and agents really don't want your semi-coherent, very short novel in their inboxes started December 1. Trust me.

So take your time, read through your new novel. Get someone else to read it. Edit it. Read it again. Edit it again. And then, only then, should you consider submitting it.

Congratulations to all those who won NaNoWriMo and congratulations to all those who tried and didn't make it. For the rest of you, congratulations on making it to December!

Full of it

I'm not so much Sarah as I am Snuffleupagus. My dad visited and left me a loverly head cold as a parting gift. I have done nothing this week but curl up on the couch and watch Dexter on Netflix. (Cool show, btw)

So because my head is fuzzed out, I offer you this video instead. Listen, learn, live.

Following The Crowd

It's pretty well known in the writing community that if one intends to commercially publish, they shouldn't write to trends. By the time you finish your book and get it out there, the trend will be over.

There have been a slew of highly-publicized, huge-amount book deals for trendy things lately. What's the trend?

Fan fiction.

You heard me. The latest is Penguin offering a 16-year-old an e-book deal based on boy-band fanfic. The now infamous 50 Shades of Gray started out as Twilight fanfic. Gabriel's Inferno also began life as Twilight fan fiction and was ALSO bought by Penguin for seven figures. 

Depressing, I know. With all this money being offered for what was once considered the least professional, basically junk food of writing, it's easy to take one look at your manuscript and think, "Why the hell am I wasting my time on this?"

Well, I'll tell you why. Because these examples are TRENDS. They're exceptions to the rule. They're what people want NOW, but in six months? A year? Who knows? Next month they might want ninja mermaid aliens from Neptune (totally my idea by the way) or cranberry farmer/mushroom hunter CSI riffs. Unless you can see the future, you just don't know what will be the Next Big Thing, and you can't constantly stop and start new projects trying to keep up with whatever it is people are buying now.

Write what YOU want to write. What YOU want to read. You can't write to trends. Book trends are like any other – they come and they go. Remember stone-washed/acid-washed jeans back in the 80s? Remember? (Look, just go with me here. I realize I'm dating myself.) Jordache and Guess jeans were the big favorites. Swatch watches (about six or more worn at once was the thing). Crimped and feathered hair. Trends, all of them. They came and they went.

This too shall pass. Jersey Shore has finally been cancelled (but not before one of the, uh, "celebrities" got a book deal) but has been replaced, regrettably, by Honey Boo Boo (just when I thought television could sink no lower). Twilight is finally sinking into obscurity (please, please, please).

And why is all this happening?

Because it's what people want right now. People want to watch "reality" television and eat junk food. Sure, there are several people who want to watch other things (or nothing at all) and eat better stuff, but the majority don't. And therein lies the problem. It's all about what sells (you know, money), and ice cream sells way better than frozen yogurt. In a battle between Cheetos and carrot sticks, guess which one most people are going to choose?

Consumers set trends, and what the consumers want right now is the literary equivalent of a sheet cake. (Mini rant: DEAR ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY: STOP ENCOURAGING HORRIBLE CHOICES BY MAKING THEM SEEM "ACCEPTABLE!" STOP IT! NO MORE TRAIN-WRECK TELEVISION OR BULLSHIT "BOOK" DEALS, DAMN IT! THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE NOT ONLY CAPABLE OF BUT WILL INDEED LIVE UP TO EXPECTATIONS GIVEN TO THEM AND YOU'RE GLAMORIZING IDIOCY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR! STOP IT! /rant) Pretty soon, though, they'll get tired of the frosting and want something that actually satisfies more than their sweet tooth. You can't eat cake forever (it's not like PIE!). Eventually consumers (readers) are going to want something more, and when they do, you need to be ready.

Someone awesome once said to me, "There's always going to be an audience for penny dreadfuls. It doesn't negate the need for good stuff."

I couldn't agree more. So don't pay attention to trends. And don't stop growing your carrots because people want Cheetos. There are always people who want carrots, even if it's just to make carrot cake.

And now I'm hungry.