Baby Evil Writers 101: On Publishing Wait Times

On Publishing Wait Times

Julie Butcher

Stop.

Before you hit send on that manuscript submission or query letter, realize what you're getting yourself into. Because the honest truth is that you're going to need the patience and restraint of a saint. When you're evil this can be the most difficult part of the publishing process.

Not kidding, guys.

Whatever reply scenario you see on a website's guidelines is the fastest possible reply time. It can be longer. In most cases, it will be longer. That said you'll get rejections at an amazingly fast pace. It's always seemed to me that the no comes much more quickly than the yes.

In my own experience, it took sixteen months from querying my agent to an offer of representation.  I know of writers who had an offer on a book as long as two years after they sent the full manuscript. That said, it probably isn't a good idea to poke at people who have only had your work for a couple of weeks.

Learning to wait is part of the process. You'll wait to get an agent or editor. Then you'll wait for them to find the time to read your work and give you notes. After you write like a fury on the revisions, you'll have to wait some more. Then you'll wait to get a publishing date, and wait for the longed for day.

Seriously. You will wait until every nerve in you body screams for it to be over. Then, when you're at the breaking point, YOU WAIT MORE.

The easiest way to deal is to not worry until at least six months after you've sent your work out there. Then, you can email and ask. Then, wait another six months. Find something to do instead of clicking your email every six seconds. Start another project. Write a different story. Go outside and soak up some sun.

This will take a while.

Things you can learn to make waiting easier:

1. Stand on you head in a corner and spit nickels.
2. Make Latin an undead language and chat with your friends.
3. Invent a hover board. (Marty McFly has obviously fallen down on the job.)
4. Tibetan throat singing/ make it to the international contest.

Any more ideas? 

Why I Won’t Read Your Half-finished Novel

I should call this post, Why I Say No a Lot and All My Friends Think I’m a Colossal Bitch, but that’s a mouthful and they’d like it way too much.  But it’s true.

For whatever reason, I get a lot of people asking me to read something they’ve written, and more times than I like to think about, it’s something unfinished. My answer? Not a chance. I am happy to read it when it’s done. It’s okay, I’ll wait.

I understand the urge to get feedback before you’ve finished something. I get it too. Usually I try to rapidly squash it with a hammer…or the nearest door, and I recommend that you try the same. It’s natural to want to share your words as soon as possible but, if those words are still pouring out, it’s a terrible, horrible, awful bad idea. 

Why? Because despite our surface level intentions, when we get absolutely brutally honest about it, the motivation for wanting to share at this stage is most likely to get praise. What we usually really want is a big ol round of, Oh My God, This Is The Most Brilliant Thing Ever Written. We want to hear that we are not writing in vain, that our words are golden and that, once we buck up and finish the grueling task of getting this story down, it will be perfect, shiny, splendid, and we will never have to work on it again.

Ha, I say. Ha! You just made me laugh so hard that I snorted my coffee.

Just for a second let’s pretend I’m not a bitch and I don’t enjoy trashing other people’s work. Let’s pretend, in fact, that I love to encourage new writers, that I’m absolutely passionate about it. I’m still going to be honest about someone's writing. If they trusts me enough to ask for feedback, I feel like I owe them that, and even if I love the book. Love love love it, I’m going to find something to mention that isn’t 100% glowy praise. Also, never has a first draft been written that didn’t need editing, lots and lots of editing. I believe that. So if you think you can get around that stage, I’m totally the wrong person to come talk to.

I will laugh shamelessly at you.

Okay, that’s out of the way. Now, what are the main reasons I hate to read unfinished books from, well, anyone? First off, one comment said casually could be taken the wrong way, could be seen as the crushing evidence that they should never write another word, that they should at least scrap this novel and start a different one, that they should never finish this story. That is one huge ass risk, and I refuse to take it on. I will not be responsible for a story not getting told. In fact, I have nightmares about that very thing. It’s probably something I should discuss with a therapist and not here.

So! The next reason…If you haven’t told your whole, entire story to its finish, then something I say might change its trajectory. In fact, you might not end up writing the same story you intended to write at all. In the editing phase, it’s all about taking feedback, but while you are still writing, I think you have to get your story down. The one you are meant to write. Alone. Write the story you want to tell, your way, all the way to the end first. Then go looking for help with sorting it out.

All this stuff aside, my final reason is where the real issue comes to the surface. You see, if they haven’t finished this thing, how do I know they ever will? The majority of would be authors don’t finish. Never do. That’s not really my problem, until they ask me to devote time and effort to read it and give them feedback. Now it is my problem, because like it or not I don’t want to invest a lot of time and effort (and I do put a lot of effort into beta reads and such) if I’m not even sure they’ll finish the story…ever, no matter what I say.

The bitchy part is that makes me feel like they’re wasting my time. I believe that finishing what you write is the hardest part of writing. It’s the one and only thing that separates a want-to-be author from an author in my book. It’s the thing. Finishing is bigger than starting, more important than all the writing they’ve done so far and scarier than the editing they are imagining at the end of the tunnel will ever be. It’s also the one thing they have to do if any of the other stuff is even going to matter. Finishing. Getting to the end.

Please don’t risk not making it by asking for my feedback prematurely. I won’t be one more thing in a long list of excuses you’ve collected for not reaching the end. It wouldn’t help you one bit if I was.

Finish it first. Prove that you can. 

The proof is in the pudding, you see. I have author friends who I know can finish things, friends who churn out finished projects on a regular basis. Should any of them come asking for feedback in the middle of a project (most of them are smart enough not to) I will consider it. Maybe. Depending on the circumstances and the individual, how busy I am or how pissy I feel that day. Anyway, I’ll probably still say no, but the point is a lot of my hesitation would be gone simply because I could trust that I won’t kill their story completely with one comment. Some of them, I I’d probably only make so mad they’d have to finish just to prove me wrong. . .

But that’s a whole different topic, and I’m riled up enough as it is.

Finish your book before you let anyone see it. 

Series Post: Ask Dr. Dina - Loss of Consciousness

DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I do not hold a current medical license or certification (I let them lapse because I no longer work in the medical field and don't intend to ever again). What I do have is an extensive medical background in various fields. Everything you read here is the result of either education, training, research and interpretation, or personal experience. The information in this post is not to be taken as a substitute for professional medical advice or examination. Seriously, if you're having an immediate medical problem and you're reading this blog for help, get off the damned computer and call an ambulance! That being said, let us continue.

Today I begin a series of ELEW blog posts inspired by our lovely Bitchstress Dreamkiller called "Ask Dr. Dina."

As the above disclaimer states, I'm not really a doctor, nor have I ever been. I have worked in the medical field in various settings and have an extensive and varied medical background. These posts will all focus on how medicine applies to your writing.

We’re going to start this series off talking about fainting. In the medical field, this is called "syncope" or "sudden loss of consciousness" (not to be confused with "altered level of consciousness" which is a separate issue I will address in another post). Both are written as LOC in medical charts.

Writer Andrew Jack has done an excellent series of posts involving fighting, and he addresses some fantastic points about what it's actually like to lose consciousness and the repercussions involved.

Let's bring up some of the names people call LOC, shall we? "Fainting," "passing out," "blacking out," "knocked out," "unconscious," etc. They all mean the same thing. They might not all have the same cause (because there are a lot of reasons LOC happens), but they all mean the same thing. Your character is non-responsive.

As Andrew up there says, LOC isn't a quick thing to recover from. You don’t just pass out, then when you "come to" get up and are your old self again. Depending on the cause of the LOC, there are going to be problems – disorientation at the very least. If you've ever been knocked out – and I have – you're going to have a headache. How long and how bad it is depends on what happened. Even something as simple as a sudden change in blood pressure can cause LOC, and when consciousness is restored, your head will pound.

There are various stages of consciousness (the altered states I'll talk about in another post), ranging from mild WTFery to coma. "Coma" or "comatose" means you're not able to be roused by any means (and there are lots of ways to try and bring someone around, and most of them aren't pleasant). You're unconscious. This can last minutes, hours, days, or longer. Sometimes you never regain consciousness, but that's another post.

If you've ever called an ambulance or been in the emergency room and been asked what you thought were silly questions, there's a reason for it. They're trying to determine your mental status. If you don't know your name or what day of the week it is or who the President is or how you got where you are (or don't know where you are at all), it tells the health care professional a lot of things. Your answers determine your LOC and by proxy what needs to be done to help you/what part of your brain is affected.

When they shine a light in your eyes one at a time or put their hand in front of your eye and pull it away again, they're looking for a reaction in your pupils. Your pupils can tell a lot about your LOC (which is why a policeman will shine his flashlight in your eyes at night when he pulls you over – if you're stoned, your pupils won't constrict like they're supposed to. They'll remain dilated thanks to the high you're riding). It's called PERRLA – "pupils equal, round, react to light, accommodation." If any one of those things is off, there's a problem. If you ever see someone with one pupil bigger than the other (and believe me, this is noticeable), it's called a "blown pupil" (mydriasis) and generally (but not always) indicates stroke or other intracranial pressure issues.

As I said, a lot of things can cause LOC, and those things have consequences. If your character is knocked unconscious by a boot to the head, how long they're out and how they behave when (if) they regain their senses depends on you.

And therein lies the problem.

You need to know, as a writer, if their reaction to their change in LOC is realistic enough FOR YOUR WORLD. If your charrie is superhuman or not human at all or has special abilities and can take a blow to the head and be fine, all right. Great. But justify that. If they're just a regular person, be sure and add consequences to being knocked out or even just beaten up.

If possible somewhere in your story, have them checked out by a medical professional. It's the least you can do.

 Questions about medical issues with your writing? Leave them in the comments below and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. (THESE MUST APPLY TO FICTIONAL SITUATIONS ONLY. I AM NOT YOUR DOCTOR, NOR A SUBSTITUTE FOR ONE.)

Selling yourself

I'm trying to sell my car (because I'm getting a new awesome one!) and it's made me think about marketing yourself, which is applicable here.

Promotion is a pain. It is also, unfortunately, how you sell books. While it would be delightful to write a book and then never do anything again and have it sell millions of copies, that's just not how it works. Promotion and marketing are especially important if you're published with a small press or self-published. The big publishers will do more to promote your books, but unless you're one of their best sellers, you can still be doing more.

You can always do more.

But, don't be obnoxious about it. That's your basic rule of thumb, I think. Like anything, promotion is good in reasonable quantities. If you overdo it, people will want to hit you. Trust me, I will.

I love Twitter. I think it's a fabulous way to connect with people, see what people are up to, and it's especially great in the writer community. But there are inevitably those people who sign up for an account and then spam-blast their 2 followers every hour on the hour with promotional tweets. Uh, no. That's not why ANYONE followed you. Same goes for Facebook. The people who follow you or like you or are friends with you are there because they're interested in you. In your books too, sure, but you as a person more. So go ahead and promote yourself on Twitter or Facebook or other social networking sites, but don't let that be the only thing you do.

Be personal, let people into your life a little bit. I'm not saying show them pictures of where you sleep, but let them get to know you. Whether that's funny stories about how your writing was going, typos that made you giggle, or whatever, but don't make it all promotion. Because I (and most of the rest of the universe) are likely to unfollow you as fast as possible and possibly report you for spam.

Most people seem to have gotten the hang of social networking these days, fortunately. But word to the wise, real life is like that too. (What? Life is like the internet? No way! It's true. Fewer cats, probably. I digress). Asking your friends and family to buy your book is great. Please do not badger them about it. People have a variety of reasons for not being able to purchase a book. I'm pretty sure your Uncle George is not the reason you didn't make it on the New York Times bestseller list.

There you have it. Promote, but not too much. Just don't be obnoxious.

Words to live by  :)

Skye

What I'm Not Doing on My Vacation

Seleste here, and I'm on vacation this week. You know, one of those things I mentioned in my last post that are good for authors to do sometimes? Yeah. Doing it, plus it's my birthday week, and according to some people's definition, I'm officially old now. Obviously I need a break.

During this time, there are several things I'm not doing.

• I'm not answering email. Internet costs a ridiculous amount, so it's not happening. I figure if someone really needs me right now, they'll call. (Especially since all my editors with projects currently in the works know I'm gone.)
• I'm not reading books to review. That's not to say I definitely won't review what I'm reading, only that I'm not reading with that in mind. It's my vacation. I read what I want.
• I'm not making myself hit a daily word count. Yes, I have projects I should be working on. Yes, I like to stay consistent. Yes, I normally write on vacation. I'm just not going to beat myself up about it. 

What I am doing is:

• Recharging. The holidays are an incredibly stressful time for me and this year was no different.
• Reconnecting with my kids and husband. I love my internet relationships, but I want more with my family than the couple hours between the end of school/work and bedtime.
• Reading. Without the internet distracting me, I'm hoping to get a lot of solid, happy reading in. <3
• Recon. We're going to places I used in a book that is with one of my publishers right now. I'll be making sure I got things right and taking notes on what I didn't but I'm leaving anyway (more on this in a different post sometime.)
• Writing (I know it doesn't start with Re-, get over it). See where I mentioned word counts? I stand by that, but I know me, I will write. It just might not be on what I'm supposed to work on. *shrug*

The hope is when I get back, I'm all re-invigorated and ready to put back on my snarky pants and post something fantastically ranty. For today, I'm just going to kick back, soak up the sun, hang with my family, and remember why I do all that other stuff.

Happy Birthday, Seleste!

Today is an auspicious day. It is the anniversary of the birth of our Blasphemous Dispensator of Expenditures, Seleste deLaney!

Seleste is smarter than you, handles a lot more shit than you do, and is just generally better than you. Also, she looks FANTASTIC in a corset. If you don't believe me, check out her site and see for yourself.

Additionally, she shares this day of natality with none other than Buffy the Vampire Slayer (shut up, I have this on good authority from someone who knows the 'verse canon, so I don't want to hear ANY ARGUING). That adds many, many points to her Evil Cred. She is truly a valuable and outstanding member of the Evil League of Evil Writers, and we're very pleased to count her among us.

Happy birthday, Seleste! May you enjoy your day in the manner which most pleases you, drinks borne to you buy scantily-clad members of your preferred gender, and booze-filled cupcakes.

Evil hugs,
The ELEW

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Baby Evil Writers 101: On New Year’s Resolutions

Julie Butcher

So, I have been watching everyone on Twitter and Facebook make their choices about what they’ll try to achieve in 2013. The thing about resolutions is that you’re supposed to actually do them. You’re making a promise to yourself that you will accomplish these goals. You might want to think twice about a few I have heard.

  I will get an agent/editor.  ßBAD IDEA

Ummm…no. First of all, the agent or editor chooses you. You pick who to query with your work but after that, the words are all you have. Also, you don’t get them. You work together as a team. The better goal would be to say, I will send out 100 polished, edited, queries in 2013. You can control this resolution while the first is really up to fate.

  I will get a book deal.  ß BAD IDEA

Once again, this isn't within your control. You cannot force anyone’s hand. You cannot make a deal—unless, of course, you make your own fake publishing company and self-publish your story. If all you want is to see your words in print, then go ahead. But don’t expect Goofball and the Amazing Muse to sell like Fifty Shades of Grey. You have a better chance of winning the lotto.

  I will make a bestseller list.  ßBAD IDEA

Of course we would all like to see our book in the top ten lists of The New Your Times. I’m happy for every single writer who is on that list. But, once again, you have no control over whether you make a list or not. All you can control is your writing. You can make yourself sit at the keyboard. You can make yourself outline and write a killer synopsis. You can’t make the faceless masses buy your book. There are names for people who try to force others to do things. Most of them I wouldn't use in public.

   I will write like it is my job.  ßGOOD IDEA

If you have the goal of writing, and actually making green money from your books, you’d better get in the habit of making it your work. This is a resolution that, for the most part, you can control. Of course, if an airplane crashes into your house, you get a free pass and a do-over.

   I will think before I hit SEND on an email. ßEVEN BETTER IDEA

I firmly believe that most writers shoot themselves in the foot agent-wise. They get a form rejection, and fire off an email quicker than snap. A rejection is only that. Your work isn't ready, or it isn't a story that the agent/editor loves. It isn't a reflection on you, your brain, your heart, or your children. Until you click send, the door to that particular agent/editor is open. The very second you pop off that blistering tirade, the door closes forever.

  I will edit the literal crap out of my work to the best of my ability.  ßBEST IDEA EVER!

Editing your own work is difficult, but not impossible. You definitely need a group of beta readers to help you find where what was in your mind didn’t land on the page. You can see your characters like they’re standing in the room. They’re ingrained in your imagination so well that unless you put your work away for weeks (and possibly months if your memory is good), you literally cannot find the mistakes. Editing makes the difference between getting an agent/editor, and singing the blues.

But no matter what you said on January first, give your resolutions a good think, and change them if you need to. Unrealistic goals set you up to fail, and no one needs that, right?

Does the Dark side really have Cookies?

I get the feeling I’m about to find out. 

When the invitation came through to join the Evil League of Evil Writers, I was thrilled. I’ve guest blogged on the site, and I agree wholeheartedly with their mission of evil. That won’t surprise a lot of people.

I jumped at the chance, primarily, because the rest of the members all pretty much rock, but also because the very idea of an evil league is pretty damn cool.  I watched the League theme song video with a delighted cackle on my lips and, like a mad scientist, began to analyze just why the Dark side was so appealing. Do they have cookies, and if so, are there any white-chocolate, macadamia nut goodies left for me?

Villains are cool. My villains, your villains, anyone’s villains. Personally, I trace the phenomenon to its origin, somewhere between David Bowie’s goblin king and Dragonlance’s evil, wizard twin, Raistlin. I fell for the dark side somewhere between Maleficent and Mad Madam Mim. (Disney really does the evil sorceress best) I’m sure everyone else has their own favorites, but why do so many of us just love that bad guy? It just might be because the dark side actually does have much more to offer…

Points in favor of villainy (the cookies)

Power: The dark side has better magic. It’s true. No matter how many sparkly, swish-and-flick spells the good guys have at their disposal, the other side’s are always bigger, more dramatic and far more powerful.

Spontaneity: You never know what the dark side will do next! The villain can be counted on to shake things up whenever boredom threatens. They are the unpredictable element, the spooky excitement of the unknown.

Underdog value: If good always triumphs, then you can’t find a better underdog than a villain. They try so hard, and yet, you’re pretty sure they’re going to eff it up in the end.  

Style: (it’s all about the clothes) The dark side often has better costumes. (Certain superhero franchises aside.) Evil couture is sexier. So are black horses, evil cars, villainous hairstyles, dragons and most evil spaceships. Evil pets are definitely cooler. Case in point:

They will get you...just as soon as they wake up.

Theme songs: The dark side gets the best music nine times out of ten. (I just made that up.)

Infamy: Way harder to earn than fame. Anyone can be famous, but to become infamous takes something really, globally, immensely huge.

Underlings: Minions are terribly useful when moving…or you know, whatever you’re doing.

Truth: The dark side is honest. Seriously. Not in a goofy, heroic, honor and chivalry kind of way. I mean in the straight up, “Hey, that’s not mine, but it’s shiny and I want it,” sort of way. You’ll never know what your good friend is really thinking. They HAVE to act nice. Your evil friend won’t bother with false, goody-goody rubbish. If you have something they want, they’ll simply announce it directly and get on with plotting your demise.

That’s the real gem, if you ask me. Not the demise part, perhaps, but the straight up bit. I want a friend who’ll tell me this dress does make my ass look huge, and then make me go change before we go out in public.  Whether you know it or not, so do you.

You want someone to tell you, “Hey, your plot has a galactic hole in it.” You do. It will sting a bit, because no one likes to hear the truth about their ass…or their book. But it’s good to know it, just the same. We need our evil friends to save us from public embarrassment. Thankfully, in this industry, we have critique partners, beta readers, editors and reviewers who will happily lend an honest opinion.

Love them. Embrace the evil. Once the stinging stops, you can probably have a cookie. But hands off the white chocolate chips. They’re for me.

~ Frances